Why Is My Wife REFUSING Intimacy With Me

In this episode, Tyler and Brannon talks about the complex emotional and psychological factors that can lead to a lack of intimacy in a marriage. They discuss common reasons such as stress, unresolved conflicts, and differing needs, emphasizing the importance of open communication between partners. The video encourages viewers to approach the situation with empathy and understanding, highlighting that addressing underlying issues can help rebuild intimacy in the relationship.

Transcipt (Tap to Toggle)
why is my wife refusing intimacy with me R I know I say this a lot this is
this will be a good one today I I love when you say that I think
I think I think this question is probably for for probably especially the
men that are listening right now um you know spouse like probably 90% of them
are wondering this question well get ready cuz we got some answers for you um you might not like the answers but we
got answers for it’s probably not going to go as well as you hoped for when you’re listening to this yeah we have thoughts and ideas
actually actually you apply the things that we talk about today and it might go the way you want it to yeah actually I I
think we do have some answers to this probably every Situation’s a little bit different but we’ll get into it in a
minute here yeah but before we do Tyler we want to invite couples on um you know
if you’re a couple and you’re in limbo land and you’re stagnating and you’re just surviving your roommates maybe
you’re working recovery but you’ve gotten so far and it’s like is this it is that as far as that goes um we want
to we want to do some episodes on that limbo land we want to do episodes on
What is Intimacy?
helping couples move further to go deeper um to push past some fear to
create different outcomes in their relationship so we want to invite you on um Ty how do they come on to the show
how do they sign up yeah I mean we love to talk to anybody who’s got a question so if you have a question in you and don’t fall in that category feel free to
come too but uh therapy brothers. org right on the very front page you click
the button that says talk to the brothers or ask a question come on the show and then it’s really simple after
that you sign up and you find a time slot that we have open and we’d love to have a conversation with you it’s so fun
it’s so fun when we get guests on especially cuz they’re now they’re starting to kind of come from all over the world a little bit so it feels it’s
really cool to just see the common Humanity that from even all over the world we as human beings have the same
questions the same issues and then for us it’s a treat because we get to meet so many new people amazing people too
courageous people come on our show so come and be one of those courageous people because we we would love to get
to know you and help you in any way that we can so um Tyler before we we dive
into this um there I do want to give the little caveat that you know we’re we’re
Reasons for Refusal
going to talk more more specifically about a husband who is
wondering how to have more intimacy with his wife and this is a triggering topic
um but um a breakdown in intimacy happens in all directions uh this isn’t
just a my wife won’t give me more sex thing um I think more more common than
some know is is the the the other way where um the wife is wondering how do we
how do he never wants intimacy um he’s pushing me away and so I just when you
say when you say Intimacy in that sense Brandon it’s more than sex yeah yeah sex is a a part of that um
but but even that like even the sex part like the woman is wondering go we were
never having sex in our relationship so so I just want to acknowledge that this goes both directions and I think that we
could do a separate episode about the opposite way um and but
but one thing that I’ve seen a lot and I’ve talked to actually some sex
therapists a very common thing that happens is a couple sits down in a therapy session and the the therapist
says well why are you here what’s going on and he says something to the effect
Emotional Factors
of you know we’re not having enough sex like you know there’s something wrong
with her basically um and I’m unhappy I’m unsatisfied things are not okay
because we need to have more sex um quite common right Tyler yeah I mean
yeah that happens frequently um and and so when that
happens when someone comes in Tyler where do you begin well it’s it’s interesting because if you if you dig a
little bit deeper and you then ask her you know why did she come her answer
isn’t usually like well because I want to have more sex her answer usually has
something to do with something else that’s broken in the relationship that is kind of contributing to a lack of
desire to want to be intimate yeah yep
and that that’s a good point Tyler because when sex ual intimacy breaks
down in a relationship it usually has not much to do about sex
itself um it’s about something different it’s more of an outcome than it is the
issue and so when you dig in and she says well I want something different I’m you know it it’s funny because if he’s
in there complaining that they’re not having enough sex um he’s showing up entitled he’s showing up pressy he’s
showing up all those ways which you know what he’s doing he’s actually inviting less sex yeah
into his life yeah he doesn’t even know it he he thinks he’s trying to help solve the problem because in his mind
he’s focusing on a certain thing and the outcome it’s what sex represents to him and a lot of times sex and the frequency
Stress Impact
of sex is associated with the the nature of the relationship and the the state of the relationship for him yep and and
then when he goes and tries to chase that down over and over again it actually does the exact opposite thing
that he is hoping that it will do right it pushes her further away it’s not um
it’s not exciting or fun to be forced or pressured in any way and a woman a
natural thing for women is that they want to feel cared for they want to feel seen they want to feel valued and
accepted right where they’re at and to them when they feel that it then invites an opportunity to surrender and be
vulnerable and so when um Along Comes husband and he’s like Hey where’s my sex like what
the heck where is it um that’s the opposite of that and it really destroys
that and undermines it um let’s talk about some other things that destroy it and undermine it Tyler
because there’s other things as well um and I’m sure you have a long list here
and we could probably go on for days um but things like um broken
trust um things like using sex um to
manage things out of fear over time will destroy a sex life what explain that a
Communication Issues
little bit further like manage things out of fear well like let’s let’s take this example let’s say a wife is um
engaging sexually because she feels like her husband H well she knows her husband
has cheated on her in the past or she feels like he could be um or he could be acting out with porn or masturbation or
whatever way and she’s just like I just want him to want me so then I engage in sex hoping to hold on to him I’ll
initiate uh and I’ll do things that are out of my comfort zone just to be enough
for him and just to be wanted and and so
that isn’t intimacy um that is
sex um being used out of fear and and so longterm and and and by
the way Tyler with that one it’s both people’s work to fix that yeah well and
there’s another side of that with the husband that’s pursuing sometimes the pursuit is out of a place of fear
because they’re using sex sometimes as the medicine to be reassured that everything’s okay in the
relationship yeah and I think that’s I think that’s quite common um especially
I think for for men it’s like well if I can get her to have sex with me then we’re good like everything’s okay now
and then everything’s fine and you know um but that is again sex being used as a
Unresolved Conflicts
place of fear uh yeah from a place of fear yeah um which will undermine safety
which will undermine healthy sex in the relation relationship yeah so you have any others
yeah no so so you were talking about the things that are that are that break it down MH um
sex it feels it breaks down when it feels like a commodity it feels it breaks down when
there’s it’s emotionally distant and it lacks emotional intimacy so say more
commodity about that one it’s almost like one partner becomes a consumer of
the other person um it’s almost uh it’s it feel
the energy is is that I’m coming and taking from you rather than offering and receiving from
you you know it’s like I’m coming and I’m going to you know the daily Quest we talk about on our podcast I’m going to
wake up I’m going to make sure I go to work when I come home I’m going to make sure I do the dishes and I mop the floor
and then I take the kids and you know to McDonald’s and play at the park and then I come home and put them to bed and the
only Reas do all those things is so that we have sex tonight that’s a commodity
based system of sex inside of a relationship yeah um yeah you owe me
where is it and if I don’t get it I pout and I I think well I earn this right
Differing Needs
yeah yeah um I think you know I think I said it can be like emotionally distant
that breaks that breaks it down sometimes that’s where people have something we call sealed off sex where it becomes only about the
physical and the the whole goal is to make sure there’s climax rather than the
experience together um that sometimes can can break it down over time sex is degrading if
it’s degrading to one partner or the other it might be fun in the moment but it breaks it down over time can I Tyler
can I just comment to like a mix of all three of these that you’ve mentioned is
like it it really it really shows itself in the bedroom and not not to get into too many
details um but when when sex is about a transaction so that I can feel
good and and this gets confusing because you sometimes you think well you know
that that means the man is just out to orgasm and once that happens then everything’s good but it’s not just that
sometimes the commodity is I help you feel pleasure and then I feel good that
means I’m good enough yeah so so I’ve still used sex as a commodity even though you’re the one getting the
pleasure but I’m getting the like a lot of pleasure from you getting the pleasure um I’m getting my I’m getting
Trust Issues
my value as a person because there’s nothing wrong with me offering that and loving you and wanting you to experience
that because I care about you and I want you to have that and the byproduct is that that’s that is gratifying to me CU
that’s when we serve people when we offer ourselves the natural byproduct is that it feels good but when I have to do
that in order to then prove to myself that I’m a good enough person then that becomes a commodity yeah yeah exactly
and all the other things you’re talking about it’s degrading um you know it yeah it’s it’s
used in all the wrong ways yeah and I I think a lot of times with husbands that are asking this
question they don’t really know what they’re asking for because they think the
solution is the the amount the frequency the intensity of the sex when in reality they have a meaning that’s associated
with sex that doesn’t ever really get communicated because it’s the topic of we don’t have enough sex rather than hey
this is a way for me to connect with you this is a way for me I want to make sure that there’s a certain set of conditions
that are in place where I want a willing partner you know how many how many men of you talked to in the past Brandon
that that if they’re being honest with you of course there’s a part of them that physically just wants the physical sort of like sexual response to happen
Professional Help
cuz that physically is pleasurable and it feels good but then they do that with their partner without having other
conditions underneath it like safety and trust and especially their partner’s full engagement that they get done with
that and they’re like oh I feel empty it didn’t quite all the time like it didn’t really that’s not what I was going for
what I was going for was my partner’s engagement like yeah love connection intimacy yeah so then but then they
double down and think it needs more sex to then feel that way rather than going into the other parts of the relationship
and saying I got to figure out how to help create safety and trust and other forms of intimacy so there is engagement
because that engagement really matters it’s a losing game to to try to just you know because I think all the chemicals
that get released in the brain after sex it’s like oh this just feels good this is this is great and so and I especially
I think a lot of times in a man’s brain it’s like the world is right like we just had sex right but but then
afterwards you’re right like it’s like yeah but like it still feels yuck it’s still like doesn’t feel great and um
there’s still a void between us there’s still a lack of intimacy um you know it’s interesting
Tyler if you were to think about let’s say that every time you have sex it’s a drop in the bucket that’s
like oh that’s good that feels good in the relationship yay we had sex that feels good you know and a lot of times
Rebuilding Intimacy
the partner’s sitting there and saying we’re not putting very many drops in that bucket of Feelgood like that why
don’t we do that more let’s do that more let’s say there’s another bucket and that bucket is emotional connection and
or spiritual connection and you sit down in a therapy session or whatever and you say well
like there’s like if if we were able to count emotional connection the way we’re
able to count the frequency of sex maybe it’d be a different story because we can
see that there is a void there there’s a big void there and it’s easy to sit here
and talk about how we haven’t had sex in two weeks versus you know what we
haven’t even laughed with each other in two weeks we haven’t prayed together in two weeks we haven’t had other
connections where we’ve empathized with each other in two weeks uh why don’t we talk about those things because those
things if you do those things consistently what happens yeah I mean that leads to an
over arching more connection and Intimacy in the relationship which then
makes it those are some of the conditions that set the stage for the best kind of
sexual intimacy right right Brandon I’m having this image in my mind just as you’re
talking I want to just actually expand this for a second that maybe there’s maybe there’s 20 buckets that are all on
the same scale let’s say mhm and the goal is to overall have the the largest
Real Examples
amount of water on the scale across all of the buckets and so if you have emotional
intimacy you have spirituality you have respect nurturing trust genuine connection trust especially trust is a
massive one self-esteem healthy boundaries if you have a whole bunch of those different
buckets it’s kind of it’s kind of like defeating the purpose if you draw from
one bucket to try to put it in the sex bucket right so so the more the more
buckets that you can put a drop in at the same time the better the overall experience for both Partners yes so if
I’m having a sexual experience with my partner and they’re happens to be emotional connection maybe occasionally
there’s even a spiritual kind of connection or there’s some kind of respect boundaries trust there’s all of
those drops getting put into all of those buckets that’s a much more enriching experience than me having to
draw from the trust bucket or Draw from the emotional bucket in order to get the sexual bucket
filled explain that draw from the trust bucket draw from the emotional bucket what do you mean well if I have a
partner who is feeling used then I get my sex CU she engages
with me but I had to draw from the emotional and the intimacy and the safety bucket and now I’m dealing with
resentment from her emptiness because the experience wasn’t quite as good but I got the sex bucket field
right so it’s like she’s guilt tripped into having sex she gives it to you
Conclusion
because she feels so guilty and and you take she’s supposed to or because I’ve demanded it or whatever else you take it
and then it’s like hey you you withdrew from safety you withdrew from trust I
withdrew from all of the goodness that we’re that I’m trying to build in order to have this moment because I think I
needed to feel that bucket yeah yeah yep you’re absolutely right um and but but
it feels it’s kind of Tyler what we’re talking about is like you know do you
take the the bird in your hand or the one in the bush or two in the bush or you know sure and and and that’s kind of
the the feeling a lot of times like I’ll take the one in my hand I’ll have the sex right now at the cost of these other
things I’ll have the unhealthy sex at the cost of these other things because at least right now I know I can have it
I’m desperate and I’ll take it and so I’ll versus like let’s say your partner’s not there with you they’re not
connected they’re not in the mood they don’t want to have sex but they’re like fine like yeah okay you’ve broken me
down think think what it would be like to say you know what I’m going to be patient and wait for the two birds in
the bush so to speak I’m going to care about you I’m going to understand where you’re at and you know what I’m going to
like handle my sexuality here and show
that I’m okay um and that it’s not about this right now well and and to show that
I want I want a different kind of experience than just the consumption of your body I’m I’d rather wait until the
conditions are right that we can both mutually enjoy this but here’s the Catch 22 Tyler is it still okay to hope for
sex of course yeah to want it every single day so that’s the Catch 22 here
that’s the there’s a paradox inside of this yeah like you can hope for sexual intimacy that’s absolutely healthy
and you can be okay with not getting it you can hope for it you can actually pursue it and you can create space where
it’s okay for your partner to say no yeah and no is always the right answer and that’s okay that’s okay and and I
can be okay with that but I also don’t need to shut down my own sexuality or my own drives and in in some ways like you
know a lot of I think a lot of people would relate to this my wife likes to know that that I’m attracted to her she
likes to be pursued and she also likes to know that she doesn’t have to do it every time I pursue her exactly right
that’s kind of the that’s kind of the the right place of like okay I want
Pursuit from you but I don’t want I don’t want Force I don’t want Guild trip I don’t want I I wanture want pressure I
want love I want you to meet me where I’m at I want to be chosen yeah and so then there’s this
place of like this may lead to sexual intimacy it could lead there
but it could also lead to to like you crying in my arms and me holding you and you having
no desire for sex but I love that intimacy too well let’s take that right
um but the underlying principles here Tyler are healthy
sexuality is about in many ways um presence and mindfulness and
connection with your partner in a selfless way um and so if you’re
selfless but you’re connected to them um that opens up real opportunities for
some good intimacy um but in order to get to that place you really have to be out of your
fear and a lot of in a lot of ways out of your ego so that you can be there with them to create that space with them
um and so you throw things in like past trauma and betrayal and broken trust and
those type of things and it’s really difficult sometimes to create that healthy environment to Foster healthy
sexuality and a relationship because there’s so many complex things that have gone
on absolutely you know I’m I’m think I say this to people a lot when they ask this question and I think it’s they come
in asking the question like how do we have more sex or how do we have better sex and they’re looking for like they’re
always looking for the the outcome tool of like Hey try this thing or do that thing or when in reality that it’s a
principle based answer to this question all the time which is if you want better and more
sex figure out your own shame resiliency figure out your integrity
create safety choose to see the other person and cultivate the whole
relationship and if you start doing those things that’s and there’s some
there’s some research on this actually that couples who have been together for a long time and they have sort of like a
a committed relationship with each other they actually report having the best sex
which is which goes totally against what society says society says go out and have a bunch of different partners and
people who have a safe place who know their chosen who have who are respectful
with one another that actually gives permission especially if there’s shame resiliency to then go and have
experience together that is creative like sex sex in and of itself is a messy process it’s a messy process emotionally
it’s a messy process spiritually it’s a messy process physically like there needs to be the practice of
vulnerability and in order to have that there needs to be safety and Trust yeah
yep I I Tyler I do want to this is kind of a a side note maybe different uh almost different topic but sometimes um
there are cases where um you know not by the fault of anybody but sex is
difficult um when there’s physical pain oh sure um when there’s medical issues
and the reason I bring this up is because um it’s a natural like it’s
natural for us humans to want sex it’s it’s totally good and totally normal and
when that isn’t available in a in a relationship it does cause some some
tension strain some strain and sure and so when there’s things like the physical
stuff you can take it two directions this is a a great example you can take
it to resentment and um shame like taking it personally victim moping
around or you can meet your partner right where they’re at and you can say what can we do to work
together to have uh what what the healthiest sex life that we possibly can
have um what help do we need to get what guidance do we need what work we need to
do to do the best that we can and and maybe the best that we can is this and
we have to accept that that’s a reality of our situation um but at least we know we’re
both on the same page and working toward that and if you have a lot of the things that you talked about Tyler of the
principles behind it then it’s much easier to navigate something like that
together because you trust each other you feel safe with each other you feel seen um there’s not resent M and there’s
not anger and playing the victim there’s yeah exactly there’s yeah I like that
idea of blame and all of a sudden if you can do that so this is a tool called externalizing where you take whatever
the holdup is the problem let’s say there is one of those problems it might be a physical thing or it might even be an emotional or past trauma kind of a
thing and if you can come alongside your partner and externalize the problem to
be the thing that you guys are both looking at together then you can take a journey together and give yourself
permission to be in process to be learning to be growing together and there’s still an opportunity for
connection closeness intimacy even in that journey and maybe it gets to a certain point and that’s what you have
to accept as good enough or sometimes you give yourself permission to do both and be acceptant of where we’re at while
also hoping and still working towards something new and it’s totally okay to do that right right yeah exactly I I
love that and Tyler what you’re talking about is and I think this is so hard in
relationships but it’s not it it really is that interdependency of not taking
personally where the other person is at so whether it’s physical emotional whatever if it’s their past trauma it’s
I’m strong enough to let you be you I’m going to let you be you you can be and because of that I can be strong enough
to hold space for you um to be there for you and um to create trust with you um
that’s both directions in the relationship Brandon right absolutely so yeah so Tyler think if my worth is tied
to how often or how much you want to have sex with me then my codependency is going to
destroy it um and when my worth is not tied to that then our frequency of
sexual intimacy um the the weight of the world doesn’t depend on that and I can still
be honest about how often I want to have sex or whatever but it it’s not
everything dependent upon that exactly and doing that individual work
to separate my identity from the frequency of sex what it does by nature
is it puts you back in the place of having accountability to manage yourself and here’s the interesting thing about a
lot of relationships I would say most relationships is that a woman wants want to be chosen she wants to be cherished
she wants to know that she’s safe and she wants trust and a man wants to be
seen he wants to be respected he wants to be seen as like appreciated appreciated and and he wants to be seen
as valuable or good enough strong enough strong enough and the interesting thing
is if he goes to her to get that answered especially in those sexual ways it never will be answered and it
reinforces in her that she’s not being chosen but if he you know if he takes this thing so the man who asked the
question like how do I have more sex look yourself in the mirror go to work on your shame resiliency your integrity
your consistency and you will grow into the man that is now offering your
strength and choosing and cherishing your wife and as a result your wife will
actually want to lean more into you because that’s attractive to her yes like she she knows she’s being chosen
she knows that you have a strength she knows that you can stand in your own values now and not not flex and as a
result that opens her up to feeling like oh I’m safe enough to actually be myself
here too and of course she has to do her own work on that shame resiliency too and if
two people are doing that together then that makes the best opportunity to show up with each other
yep I I you know Sex Therapy is great and but a lot of times what happens is
it’s what you said Tyler it’s you you come on in to therapy and
what you realize is like look we got to we got to split up on this work that we’re doing here so that then we can
have good sexual intimacy in our relationship we got to go do our individual stuff we got to go work on
ourselves strengthen ourselves so then we can create healthy sexual intimacy
and stop beating our head against a wall and actually creating further damage by
being so focused on this thing that we got to fix you know and and uh let it
naturally happen focus on a process rather than the
outcome like the out the outcomes will take care of yourself if the inputs to the process are the right
things yes um another thing just a another little pointer
is um approach your part partner with compassion and with the attitude that
they’re doing the best that they possibly can and if you approach them with you’re
failing me um what shut that down what have you done for me
lately um you’re ruining my life because you know I’m I’m dependent upon you for
my sex in my life we’re not equally yolked I’m putting more into this than you are any of that like meet them right
where they’re at with compassion and maybe they’re they’re broken maybe they have some things to work through and um
they’re really uh their protective parts are everywhere and and pushing against
you um your best bet to help them lower those protective Parts is by being a
safe person um and meeting them where they’re at and having them feel from you your
your compassion he’s your said than done and that’s that’s why that’s why the ability
to not take it personally really matters is because it offers you the the chance to put that energy towards those things
you just said Brandon instead of being in your own place of your own protective parts coming up and being like well you know
I’ve got to have this or this or this it’s like no no no I’m here and I am for my partner I see my partner I’m here for
the overall experience that we’re having together rather than just getting mine yep now I want to say something before
we wrap up Tyler and this is kind of if you’ve betrayed your partner and
you feel from them that they’re acting in in a fear cycle and giving you sex
because um because they’re afraid that you’re going to abandon and reject them
don’t take advantage of that oh man shut that down in fact like when you and
you’ll feel it you know shut that down and say look I I don’t want and and it’s
not that you’re rejecting sex from them but I am I am rejecting that type of sex
because I want to work on actual healing in our relationship um and and creating healthy
sex in our relationship yeah so when you say the fear cycle Brandon you’re talking about that way of like sometimes
it’s a partner’s natural tendency to want to try to fix the relationship or hold on to the relationship or feel like
they’re not good enough so they have to do X Y or Z so they’re doing it out of like compulsion and
fear um man this is really tough I I cringed when you said that random because my own Journey includes what you
just said and I’m like oh like that was you know um I I believed so deeply that
like sex was my biggest need that I would take any way that it came right if
it was offer if it was offered yes if it was offered and yet what I could have done to create way more safety and
healing a lot faster is is that in those moments when there was that fear or that compulsion ion if I would have had the
inner strength to say you know what of course I am deeply attracted to you of
course I would love to have sex but let’s let’s wait till the conditions are right right and if you could back up
Tyler and say something like I’m here I’m not going anywhere we don’t we don’t have to do this for you to know that I’m
still going to do the work and I’m here I’m here and and and I mean that like we really don’t have to do this like that
something like that is is way better then like like yeah giddy up here we go
this is great like it’s offered and you’re feeling all of the fear and the what makes me feel terrible Brandon is
like you know you think about that how many times have you been in the office especially maybe early on as a therapist
and you know the first meeting there’s all this betrayal and the very next meeting you have the guy come in and he’s
like holy cow like things have never been better like we’ve we’ve had so much
sex the last week like we and and back in the past year you know as a therapist not understanding that process of the
fear cycle you’re like oh cool you guys are figuring it out whereas now if someone comes into the office you’re like oh hold on a second hold on a
second you probably you think it’s way better but you are not tuned in to what her emotions are it’s it’s that’s why I
bring it up Tyler CU like it’s I see it all the time and it’s
uh you know on on one hand for the the wife it’s like I want them to to get
conscious and to realize look I’m not going to act out of my fear to try to save my marriage here um and I try to
help the the the husband realize that’s not healthy sex that’s not going to that
that actually is doing damage to the relationship in those moments if either partner is operating from a place of fear or compulsion it’s better to wait
till the conditions change exactly yeah yep um Tyler this has been a good
discussion yeah interesting it’ be interesting to see what kind of feedback we get on this one I’m sure there’s lots of uh feelings questions emotions that
are going through people who are listening right now we would love to hear from you if you have thoughts about this or if you want to continue the
discussion or if you even disagree with Brandon and I we’d love to have a conversation um but yeah we’re glad
you’re with us yep and you guys uh if th if this is helpful please share it and
until next time keep on keeping on

Why Is My Wife REFUSING Intimacy With Me

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