Am I being Petty with my boundaries after betrayal?

am I petty with my boundaries after betrayal brandon what’s going on man uhnot much i uh uh yeah I was going to ask you about something uhoh um well you know I’m having a I’m having a pretty good hair day today likegot a lot of you know body in my hair and you’ve always had the best hair in the familynot no I would say Casey wins that and Lindsay actually our two sistersbeautiful hair um but uh um yeah how’syour hair doing i I know I know where you’re goingwith this i mean but so for anybody who’s watchinglive um or watching this video you can probably see that the front of my hair is even I’m already kind of going baldup front but it’s even less full than normal and the reason why is because Brandon actually came and we up and hungout with me over the weekend we were around a really big campfire and I leaned over the campfire not knowing howhot it was and it singed the whole front of my face so and and and like all of

What is Betrayal?

his hair in the front like it was all like curled up and I’m lucky to still have eyebrows that’s just Could youimagine if you if you put your head that close to the fire and you had like that head of hair oh man bob that’s He’sputting up a picture of Bob Ross right now bob Ross that would have been just like uh that would have been like a firestarter like kindling oh yeah that would have been like the the LA fire thank goodness I don’t have any hair up frontum yeah so yeah you’re you’re looking good though like always you’re looking good oh thanks man thanks like totalbackhanded compliment there yeah um well let’s dive in uh with our guest today sowe have Maryanne back on the show today maryannne welcome back maryannne was just on the show just uh a couple weeksago actually with her partner so she’s here alone today yeah so Maryanne just tell us a littlebit i mean you’re here by yourself which is awesome because it it’s interestingTyler when we do therapy with people you know sometimes in couple sessions you have to kind of work around things andyou know and then with an individual you can kind of get down to it um a little faster sometimes so um Maryanne justtell us tell us why you wanted to come talk to us alone and and ask us questions and any questions that youhave so again thank you guys for having me i appreciate everything that you do um myhusband and I um been married almost 30 years together for probably 33 34 yearsum we had um I think over the course of ourmarriage got grown more and more disconnected but um found out kind ofearly in our marriage that there was uh porn used porn addiction and he seemedto be handling it at first but then um there were just things I discovered or at least two things that I just twotimes I discovered that it was beyond just kind of porn use but really kind ofconnecting with other women um kind of blew up my world each each time um andthen just maybe about a month ago I just found out um he did disclose this one

Why Boundaries Matter

that there was um an actual he didn’t go into detail but there was something thathappened with somebody that he worked with um so that was um three and therewas actually some another um situation that happened before we got married um so this is like four blow up um ofthings and um I did move out of the house last year for a little bit i had to move back in because um theorganization I work for um shut down so I’m in the process now finally employedI think knock on wood and um can move back out i just feel like I need thatspace to be able to think through and make decisions butkind of where I am right now is um I still feel very triggered when he wantsphysical affection he that’s something that he has always craved even more so than I do um we’ve kind of already kindof attributed to the fact that I had I had four brothers grew up with four brothers didn’t have any sisters um sowe did not do a whole lot of hug and touch to it was you know understood youknow that we love and care we do more now that we’re adults but we just aren’t average overly affectionate um that’ssomething that he’s needed and then it just feels to me every time you know it just because I know there were timeswhen we were being intimate or even just hugging where he was at the same time ina full-blown emotional affair with another woman that it just does not I it’s hardfor me to really lean into that and relax into that so I struggle with thatum and then especially with this new information I feel I’m tending to instead of trying to look at this oneincident I kind of expand it and I’m looking at the entirety of the incidentsthat we’ve had over the course of our marriage and kind of looking at it holistically and like as I’m movingforward um so that’s another qu like is that fair to do um and

Am I Being Petty?

then there’s also so the episode from LA I think it was last week about the one up one down we had a kind of a littlebit discussion about that um whether or not I’m doing that and thething is I really feel I feel an earnestness to anything that’s unhealthy the thoughtpatterns the activity that I’m doing I really want to root out and be rid of for number of reasons is one I just feellike you know we haven’t had a history of healthy marriages in our family and I feel like we can kind of keep gettingbetter if I’m learning and passing that we have adult children that I can kind of give real um healthy advice to so Iwant to kind of do this right and be healthy about it as I um as we move forward if that makes sensetyler do you want to start so yeah so there’s I mean there’s three three kind of things that you said thereum do any of those feel more important than others right now to you Marian um Ithink probably the more the the physical intimacy and the making decisions likelooking you know how to fairly you know process and not be petty aboutnitpicking all these things and bringing that into my decisions are you are you feeling like you’re Are you feeling likeyou’re being petty or are you being told that you’re being petty i’m being told I’m being petty like that that I’mholding things against I’m not being forgiving and that um it’ll always beheld against him that he won’t you know it doesn’t you know he’s never going tobe able to get out from that okay so it actually is what you’re whatyou just said is all three are tied together then because there’s the one up one down there’s the being petty part and then there’s a what what do I needto do to set a good example for my kids as I move forward and right um and and help them learn what healthyrelationships can look like um and what you’re saying is okay I’m feeling this need and the way that you said it isalready telling me that you know the energy that I’m getting from you at least in the description is is that you’re saying this from a pretty

My Betrayal Story

grounded place that I realize I need a little bit of space and time to really get my feet planted here i’ve got allthis information now that is I don’t even know how to parse out making my decisions and in the meantime becauseI’m needing some space and time I’m being told that I’m being like controlling and petty withholding myphysical intimacy okay and the answer to that question isgoing to be a big it depends you know if it’s if the decisions thatyou’re that are that you’re making are coming from a place of your own valuescoming from a place of like managing for your own health and your own well-beingand managing from a place of seeing yourself and your partner as equals then what you’re doing isprobably going to be just fine if it’s if you’re if it’s honestly coming from a place of control coercion manipulationrevenge resentment then those things probably are a little petty or theycould be right so we want to try to figure out like how do you how do you cultivate your heart in a way where youcan then stay firm in whatever you decisions you make because you’re coming to it to from a place of peace andauthenticity right marian help me and this goes along with what Tyler wasdoing of trying to flush out are you are you being petty or not but what likelet’s help me understand what that means like what does it mean to be pettyit means um it’s not my decisions aren’t coming from a healthy place it’s moreresentment it’s um revenge um okay notauthentic it’s more uh yeah more I guess ill intent ill intentioned um do you doyou have resentment and some maybe anger or frustration orI have some frustration more so with I think I I andI do have some anger more at the last event just because I I just found it out

Evaluating Emotions

and I feel like I’m still processing it’s still feels very fairly new to meum that one is feels very very um yeah that’s the worst one right now of coursethe other the others just more just make me sad than anything it’s justlike just feels like it’s too bad it’s and it it’s hurtful but umthere’s I understand that this is something that started before he even met me this is decades and decades ofbehavior that he needs to work on and deal with soI I kind of look at it from that perspective too like it’s it affects mebut it’s not about me so those other events don’t trigger me don’t upset meother than with the physical intimacy that’s the only kind of place I feel like it comes into play okay what I feelyeah oh I I I heard you say you know with this recent one you’re feeling someit’s really raw and there’s some anger or but in the past you look back and there’s sadness um the the question Ihave for you is you is you feeling sadness or even if it’s anger is thatpetty would you call those feelings petty like shouldn’t you I say this injustest but shouldn’t you just get over that and smile and forgive and love wellit is sad it’s really sad you know especially like I said and from our lastthing like he’s awesome you know he’s he’s justum he’s a he’s uh I could not ask in a lot of way for amore perfect mate um but I can’t share him like this and I can’t keep having mylife blown up like this um so I think it’s sad that the two ofus as because we can get together we can hang out we can do things we can have

Healthy Boundaries

fun like all day long um but there’s no depth there’s no intimacy there’s nolike um so it makes me sad yeah makes me sadthat those things are happening in our happened in our marriage is that sadness like not based in reality isthat sadness not valid it is based in reality yeah yeah and and your yourfeelings of these emotions that you’re you’ve had and are having and are stillin you they’re like they’re not bad they’re not they’re not in you becauseyou’re petty they’re in you because they’re protecting you and they’re important and before we go to “HeyMaryanne just get over it.” like get over it and love him um we need to stop for a minute and you need to giveyourself some permission to feel the feels and to love yourself in thosethose feelings and there like the the things that you’re feeling are stepping up foryou and that’s where we need to start brandon go ahead Tyler i just want toask you with go back about 60 seconds ago when she was saying what she just saidum not just the words that she spoke but the emotion that she was sharing andshowing what did you get from her Brandon like what what did you feel from her you know it’s it’s interesting likeI I feel like you really love him um and I feel like you want to be close to himlike with all your heart and you just like wish that these things weren’t inthe way right and so there’s this this grappling with reality there’s thisgrief that you’re in around it um that that’s what I feltfrom you Mary i I did too Brandon i I think the reason I wanted to point this out is because so many of our listenersare going to relate to this and you just gave in your response to Brandon youjust gave a big answer to your own question um and you and it was the wayof being where you were able to be in a spot where you’re like I love him he’s a

Communicating Boundaries

good man in so many different ways and in good conscience i can’t continue withthings as they are and that’s why I’m doing the things that I’m doing and youcould feel it there was a feeling of we’re equals as human beings he’slovable and so am I i can acknowledge that he’s got weaknesses that go beyondour relationship that were there before we even got together and I can’t do thisi’m not going to do it the way that we’re going to keep doing it to me you just answered your own question andyou’re not being petty you’re in a state of grief you’re in a state of trying tofight for your values and uh and at least in this very moment your heart’s at peacewith not being one up and one down you’re being convicted into adecision that you don’t even really want to make i think there’s another way to look atit and it’s it’s really tricky marianne is you knowhis if we look at this as he’s struggling with a mental illness he’sstruggling with and I know like when it’s betrayal and things like that it’s like really like we’re going to blame it on a mental illness that’s not what I’mtrying to do but if if we look at the compulsive behavior over the years and the consistent behaviors that and theattachment disorder that he has there is something broken here right somethingbroken right and you think if if like I was married to a partner who couldn’twalk um it would be sad that I couldn’t go run in the park with her that I couldn’tgo like that would that would be hard for me right right um and that would bean adjustment for me now when it’s a mental illness we look at this and wesay “Dang it.” Like why are you this way knock it off like come on like nowhere’s the thing i got to finish this whole thought because I believe inrecovery i believe that he can go rehab um but the rehabilitation process isreally painful and we talked about this with him of like dude like I I would

The Forgiveness Factor

guess Maryanne that um whether he got like completely allbetter from this or not if he just had some initiative on his own and somecourage to step into some of the hardest things that would like change everythingfor you right we don’t need him to be perfect right but just just that he hasa desire to work on it now there’s an issue you it’s clear there’s an issue with him right um so what do you thinkabout that Maryanne I mean that that makes sense and that’s that is exactlyhow I I feel he he has like after the episode that he was on he did make anappointment um to see a therapist um soI I I’m I’m cautiously optimistic I youknow there’s definitely the part of me like we kind of started talking or I started talking more fervently aboutthis about two and a half years ago would have been great if it could have happened a little earlier but I mean Iam I am thankful and I’m hopeful um thatthat continues if he listens to this I just want to say to him the side notehere um go sign up for Tyler’s group um work with your therapist work with yourtherapist but get your butt in Tyler’s group like go through that process because it will take you through adeeper um change inside of you and it’s scary and it’s hard and it’s amazing umso I would just tell him hey put push yourself even a little furtherso yeah um well and I think this kind of ties in a little bit to your otherquestion about like sexual intimacy and engaging there and that they’re they’re all they’re all tied together here rightso there might be differences in like the way you guys interact with each other personal bubbles he likes intimacyphysically more than you do maybe that’s that’s maybe a base level thing in any relationship but that’s not what we’retalking about here right like what we’re talking about here is is he’s saying this is so it’s so so

Boundaries vs. Walls

weird he’s saying um you’re being withholding or you’re being petty or you’re this or you’re that so you betterhurry and come and engage right after you just found out about all my betrayals better hurry and make me feel better by being physical with meand just by nature of showing up that way it’s going it’s going to be lessattractive to you to even want to engage in that yeah because that’s a that’s a kind of consuming sort of uh almostlike it’s like it it feels it almost feels weakand so now if you go it feels like you’re betraying your own values because you’re not like stepping into the relationship to kind of share anexperience you’re stepping in the relationship to manage his feelings for him right yeah and then that’s going tobe less that you’re that that’s for anybody in a situation like that they’re going to be less attracted to wanting todo those things maryanne are you obligated to give himthat to give him physical touch is it your duty as his wifei feel like I should okay that’s my least that’s my least favorite word you just saidi I I let me I want to be I want to do that i want to be able to like holdhands and snuggle and cuddle and and if it leads to anything whatever but I would love to have that kind of physicalaffection so does that mean you force yourself to to get there like you likethis is on you you should push through andI feel like that’s the expectation right but you can see where I’m getting here right what am I trying to get at herethat it’s it’s it’s not an I’m not obligated to to givethis to this to to him umthat obligation especially for a woman umthat obligation will will make you at times you know do it but o overall

Getting Support

destroy the desire to do it yes right yeah absolutely right and so it’s thiscatch 22 where you need to know that you’re not forced to do it you need to know that there’s no pressure thatthere’s no duty there’s no obligation whatsoever and that itnaturally and I was going to use should it naturally can start to happen rightum natur but but the key is is naturally now how does it naturally start to happen um it we don’t start withMaryanne um betraying her own feelings that are protecting her we don’t start with thatstart with something very different and what what it is is you first check inwith your feelings see where those are all coming from and why now when you list off all the things that have goneon in your relationship and even recently there’s good reason why you want an arms length with him right nowthere’s good reason so let’s trust your intuition and listen to that okay um soyou check now now if there was if he was in full-blown recovery and he was just like safe as can be trustworthy man andyou’re still holding back then we got to look at okay what kind of work does Maryanne need to do to be able to stepinto some vulnerability with a man who’s safe and trustworthy um but that’s not

Wrap-Up

the case that’s not what’s happening right now um a different way of sayingthat Brandon is to in those moments to check the facts of the situation and if the facts of the situation are whatyou’re describing to us then your distance is appropriate because the facts would warrant the distance if thefacts come back around and it’s like man he’s in full recovery he’s being humble he’s showing up with empathy i I’vecatch him being honest in other places and and I’m just really really scared okay now I get to go into myself andunderstand what do those fears need in order for me to then choose to start leaning in and that will still be anexercise and a little bit scary but I can do it because the conditions to do so would warrant that response so let’stalk about those conditions because I think that’s really important for like cuz cuz you want to kind of checkyourself and be like “Okay is this me or is it really actually safe to engagewith him or not?” and and um you you canactually see it um you can define it but more than anything you can feel it uhwhen the conditions are safe and but Tyler and I will give you some things that you can actually sit and watch andlook for and I’ll tell you this right now Maryanne talking to him a few weeks ago he’s not creating those conditionsand he is a good guy but he’s not creating those conditions for you um and just because he talked to us hecan’t we can’t we don’t flip a switch and in a day all of a sudden you’re ready to be vulnerable the recovery isthere it doesn’t hap it’s a process that takes place um over time but these aresome of the things that we look for um one is he shifts from being a personwho is in self-preservation and like trying to hide ormanipulate situations to not be seen to not get in trouble into a person who iscourageous enough and strong enough to face reality as it is and to be rigorouslyhonest um like just own it accountableown it know that he’s not perfect going to make mistakes but he’s rigorouslyhonest despite the consequences um that has to start to to happen now thinkabout it like how are you going to have trust without honesty right it just it’s not h not happeningnot happening and and he’s been lying to you quite a bit recently right sowithout honesty there’s no trust without trust there’s no desire for Maryanne to go hug and love him right right you seewhat I’m saying um so you got to start with that now forhim it’s like oh yeah be honest there’s a and this is what I what I mean he needs to go to Tyler’s group because heneeds to deal with his deepest darkest demons that are pushing him to hide tobe dishonest it’s not just all of a sudden you know it comes easy right butif he deals with those things then it’s like okay like I’m strong enough that I can face what is and I can be anauthentic human being and create that trust um so that’s one condition you’rekind of watching like how on how much does he manipulate how much does he shut down how much does he omit i’m just kindof paying attention now you’re probably already doing that naturally Maryanne umTyler do you want to give another one yeah second one is um and this ties into the honesty but it’s broader than justthe honesty is the word is proactive there’s there’s a proactivekind of an honesty and then there’s a beat it out of you kind of an honesty and you want proactive honesty which isI’m taking the initiative to take ownership for my own life including my honesty and the proactive moves intoeffort i need to go and say start saying I’m gonna look myself in the mirror and start making some changes about the wayI’m showing up in my life and I’m gonna do that whether you tell me to or not and if you see somebody being proactivethen that’s going to over time that’s going to contribute some trust into the bucket to then want to say “Okay maybe Icould lean in a little bit more.” Oh it think about it like if he were a manthat would work his recovery even if you divorced him tomorrow um you you’d bemuch less likely to want to divorce him right yeah yeah no yeah that wouldn’t happen he’s on his own two feet and he’slike self-reflecting and he’s working his recovery and you know he self-determination is there inside ofthat man and he’s on fire in his recovery that’s attractive oh yes right yes yeah um but when when it’s you knowyou got to crack the whip um you got to beg him is he actually going to stepinto and this is what we talked about with him um last time like so thatproactivity Tyler’s talking about is really important here’s another one for you and this one is this one like comesover time and it starts to naturally happen um but at first it’s really hardand you don’t see it very much um he’s he’s patient and empathetic with yourpain and so so this is where the physical touch thing comes into play andit undermines this one in your relationship because like if if he comesdemanding it or expecting it or pouting because he’s not getting it what he’ssaying to you is I’m not I’m not connected to your discomfort here i’mnot connected to your pain and I want what I want um versus you know what likeI recently betrayed you and it’s absolutely okay if you don’t want totouch me like truly I want to touch you sure because I’m that’s where I’m at butI I’m not going to pressure you force you try to but I I’d love to listen about how hard it is for you to want tobe close to me right now i can hold that space that is very helpful right can yousee why that would be helpful yeah absolutely yeah so that’s that’s another one yeah i justask you like Maryanne if if you got two different responses the first one being what’s likely happening which is wellit’s a it’s a woman’s duty and you should do this and I this is my this is what my love language is and you need tospeak this even though I just lied to you last week like that’s how we’re going to hold our marriage together versus you know what Maryanne I’ve beenthinking about this and I realize that a lot through my own blindness and ignorance I have caused you a ton ofpain I put a lot of pressure on you and from today forward there is never an expectation for physical intimacy or sexlike I only want to engage in that when it’s right for you and for me together and I want I don’t ever want you to feelthat pressure again which one of those opens you up more uh two yeah it’s rightit’s like instant it’s a no-brainer for you yeah right you’re like “Oh okay.” You might even like in that moment belike “Uh I’m actually feeling pretty good right now let’s go.” Yeah yeah but but I got to say I got to say from hisside of things you know he might be thinking “G if I actually did that and I actually meant that then it would neverhappen.” You know I’d feel like go if I’m really saying I’m okay with no is always theright answer or it can be like then she would never initiate and I would walk these planes alone like you know hethinks he would die we’ve had those discussions those exact discussions but but here’s theattractive part to to a woman is when he legitimately can say like no I really amokay like I’m I’m okay like that’s where it becomes attractive that’s where it’s like whoa I can be vulnerable with youum and so it’s a risk it feels like this like stepping into the cave for him alittle bit to surrender over forcing physical intimacy with you um which hehas no right to do anyways so could I add one more to what we were talking about with being able to lean in andknowing what the what conditions are to lean in it’s a shift in energy um it’s kind ofthere’s a famous quote I think it’s JFK that said it that said “Ask not what your country can do for you but what youcan do for your country.” Um the same is true in relationship here when there’sbeen a betrayal and a breach when you start to feel the energy of your partner beingfor their beloved one being for the relationship rather than what can Iextract from you that shifts the chain that shifts the energy in therelationship and there’s some trust there that allows it to be easier to lean in yeah and um and so that thatenergy can only shift if the partner will go do their work on their shame resiliency because shame is the thingthat’s keeping them in self-preservation which is an extractive kind of a way in a relationship so the deeper work is tobe working on their shame resiliency so they can show up and say how’s your day been like I want toknow everything about your day and I want to know what your heart’s doing right now and you know rather than um Ineed you to tell me I’m good enough today uh and you feel that energy it’s differentright so what what do you think about all this Marian this is all very very helpful um I meanI feel lighter already honestly um I I appreciate it it’s been great i Yeah andMaryann you’re not crazy you’re not um You know you you got to get off your own back a little bit yeah and believe me Iwould tell you if you needed to like stop being so petty and we talked toplenty of partners that hold grudges for a long time and are unwilling to bevulnerable but but are also unwilling to leave the relationship and so it you know they just get stuck there foreverum but that’s not you right now it really isn’t um so but there is there isone more before we move on that’s that’s like I think it’s kind of like all the things we’ve talked about are awesomebut without this one component none of them work um and that is consistencytime yeah over time so um he’s not youyou know he’s not perfect but like you watch the process of himconsistently self-reflecting him consistently trying to figure out how to empathize him consistently trying to bean honest man and when he messes up and he’s not honest or he sucks at empathy he comes back again and he figures outwhy he wasn’t and he looks deep within himself and over that time period andthis is why like you say it was like a month ago that this betrayal came outright mhm so it’s I I think it’s kind of impossible for you to trust him rightnow just because we need time we need process we need we we need growth tohappen and he’s starting where he’s starting but you just want to watch thatover time so I think for both you and him to to like understand that and shiftyour perspective on it and then you get to you get to watch each other go through this process together is areally good thing um versus like I just want it fixed right now in our relationship soMarian are we are we speaking to the questions you ask today yes yes verymuch yeah good um is there anything else on your heart or mind right now that we haven’tspoken to yet um probably just kind of a kind of one thing that came to mind sothe therapist that he is seeing um is not like he’s just like a marriage andfamily um counselor in fact it’s the counselor that we have seen before as acouple a couple times in the past um he he doesn’tnecessarily deal with addiction or anything i mean he has experience in it but one of the things that I had askedmy husband for in the past was like a full disclosure at least kind of comeclean and and be honest about some things andI’m I’ve kind of gotten to the point thatum I’m okay without it if we aren’t going to ever kind of reconcile like I’mnot going to act you know push that but if if we’re going to work toward reconciling and being together that’ssomething that I would like but I don’t know how to do that with somebody whodoesn’t necess you know does that make sense if his therapist doesn’tnecessarily do that tyler you have thoughts yeah no I thinkif I I actually like where you’re at saying I’m not going to I don’t need to do that unless we’re actually serious about trying to figure out if we canwork um and I actually think it would be wise for you guys to probably do some kind of a disclosure process and if thattherapist isn’t trained in that then you guys could find a different therapist that would help with that specificprocess um for sure and And you could do that you could do that through Brandon and Iwe could connect you brandon’s got some good therapists that know exactly how to do a good disclosure um so you guyscould do that in the context of marriage even though it’s really the disclosure process but while you both do your ownindividual work yeah um something else that’s just kind of pressing on my heart right now for you Marian is um you’veprobably heard it on like the ads before each episode and things but Brandon and I have created something called thehealing journey and we have a platform called reclaimyouheart.org and there’sdifferent tiers to it but there’s a tier where you can buy the actual healing journey course and work it with a groupand a therapist and um man it’s just screaming out at me that you and yourpartner are like you’re prime candidates for what we’ve developed over there umso that’s something else that I would just recommend you maybe consider and if he’s listening that he might considerthat he could do his individual therapy with that therapist but then he would also get like the the recovery processthrough the healing journey if he were to do something like that um so you wantto add anything Brandon yeah i just want to piggyback on that and just likeum I Maryanne it it’s a problemsometimes to go I say this hesitantly because I love marriage therapiststhey’re like courageous to do the work they do it’s hard hard work um and I andI work with a lot of people that specialize in couples work and things like that um but when when the issue andand I might sound crazy here but when the issue is not the relationship and you go to a couple’s therapist andthere’s a lot of focus on the pain points in the relationship you don’taddress the issue um and the relationship we’re seeing the painpoints we’re seeing the symptoms but that’s not the problem and so when a when you go to a couple’s therapist alot of times they’re looking through a lens of attachment they’re looking through a lens of emotionally focused couples therapy all good stuff but whenthey immediately try to go in that door but a lot of the things that Tyler and I talked about today aren’t happening umthen it’s like then you feel the partner often times feels more guilt of like well why shouldn’t I be closer whyshouldn’t I love them more why shouldn’t I and so it’s really important to go tosomeone who does understand addiction and someone who does understand betrayalum and go through programs like Tyler just talked about like our re our healing journey program um I I wouldyou’re saying I need a disclosure i can totally see why you want a disclosure and if you’re saying that the disclosureis for the partner it’s for you it’s not for the person giving it and it’s to help with discernment ofchoice you need to know what you what you you need to know what you need to heal from like you don’t even knoweverything so um but but you can’t just go to any anytherapist because they can mess up the that disclosure process um you want togo to someone who’s been trained and knows how to do it well and it will I ifit if it goes well it’ll be really painful and really uncomfortable but it’ll be a good steptoward healing for for you and so yeah I I wouldn’t like try to just force adisclosure with some therapist that’s like right so um and and like Tyler said if you want atherapist who’s trained to do disclosures me and Tyler we can hook you up with one um no problemso any other questions Maryannne no I think I mean this is this is extremelyhelpful um I feel much more confident kind of in what my next steps are and ofreally kind of leaning into taking the next step and really kind of unpacking just honestly unpacking thegrief i honestly as you guys were talking like I don’t think I really had spent the time to to really do that umyeah yeah and give yourself permission to do that and it’s going to take more than hey I’ve been trustworthy for 3weeks we should get back together and do everything we used to it’s like no this is going to be a process you’re going to have waves and those waves are okayyou’re going to have waves of hating him and that’s okay too like you just don’t want to get stuck there okay marian I ifI were you I would really get to know that inner uh voice inside of you thatthat part of you that that second guesses whether or not you’re likewhether or not you’re doing things right um second guess is like should shouldyou you know should you do this or should should you do that and just what I mean by get to know it is just see itlike oh like when you get off this call today and you’re talking to him tonight or whatever and you’re like oh man youknow I I felt empowered on that call and I felt like there was direction but like now I don’t know and am I am I theproblem and I just be like oh hey there you are yeah I see you okay like I Iknow you’re going to come up i’m going to I’m going to like you know love you and put you aside here you’ll feel adifferent energy and I think you’ve got to actually what you’ve got now is go back every time you start to hear andfeel that voice recognize it point it out and then go back to minute 11 of this episode and feel what yourselfactually feels like because yourself showed up in minute 11 12ishand remember those two different feelings all right okay maryanne um you’reawesome really appreciate you coming on um you you’ve done so much work and wejust appreciate people like you that are willing to to look within and to keep fighting the fight as long as it is anddifficult as it is so um keep going forward i really really appreciate youcoming on thank you yeah thank you thanks Maryanne and to to our listeners thank you for being here with us toohopefully this is helpful and until next