Are Daily Checkins Good or Bad for a Relationship

are daily check-ins good or bad for a relationshiptyler what’s going on b not much what’s uh what’s one new thing you’re doingthis week um one new thing actually I got a kind of a cool thing um you uhSunday dinner i didn’t get to go to Sunday dinner last night but my daughter was down there and I had a a friend ofmine he um he had a he had a firearm that was kind of came up through hisfamily like his grandfather passed it down to his father passed it down to him and nobody in his family has muchinterest in firearms so he sent it to me and he he actually got it to you firstand then you gave it to my daughter and uh we opened it up last night and um formy daughter you know cuz she likes to go out and do those things with me and he wanted to pass it on to somebody he justfroze on me tyler you just froze i I’ve got youtyler are you there sorry I was totally like frozen out there for Are you backso anyways are you back i think we’re back we’re back so you were talkingabout this gun yeah the gun i don’t I don’t know how far I got into the story but basically a friend of mine wanted to

What Are Daily Check-ins?

pass it down to somebody who’d continue to pass down tradition with this with this thing and so we opened it up lastnight and so my daughter is all excited about it we’re going to go out this week probably and actually see how it shootsand try to sight it in and and get the scope working right and so that’ll be the thing we’re doing this week nicethat I mean how nice is that so so awesome you know people people are soincredible that way he’s and I was like well what what what’s going on and you know he was just kind of like I just want to all I really want is I want tohear about what it’s like the first time you shoot it and the first time you hunt with it and the first time he’s like I just want to I just want to stayconnected to the story of the gun that is so cool you know it’s awesome so so Iwant to hear how you’re going to pay it forward i know i know i just Someone just gave you a gun guns are things yougive to your kids and they give to their kids and they they last forever somehow somehow I just got looped into thefamily generations of that other friend yeah you got to pay it forward big time all I don’t know what you’re going to dobut still karma a debt now you know there’s something I got to go find somebody elseto pass something along to i’m not saying you have to i shouldn’t I shouldn’t overstate my balance no it’s true though that’s that’s the way I feel

Benefits of Daily Check-ins

about it there’s a whole bunch of gratitude in there about like man I’ I’d love to be able to do something of thesame equivalent for somebody else so absolutely yeah that’s really cool of him and I know who gave it to you andhe’s he’s the man and uh just want to shout out to him so that’s awesome umall right should we uh get right back into this check-ins thing yeah let’s go for it man um maybe we could back upjust a little bit Tyler you know um you know back in my Jodie days and way backwhen I started uh years ago um I you know I I was just kind of watching thetype of therapy that was going on and one thing that uh a lot of the therapists were doing they were helpingcouples set up these check-ins at night and what these check-ins were were umyou know the usually this was the case the husband was pretty religious guy umgot caught or ca came out with an issue with pornography um the wife is freaked outdoesn’t know what to do devastated um different levels of umtaking it personal um trauma trauma sometimes pretty intensely sometimes notso much but what would happen is the the

Potential Drawbacks

therapist would and the couple would set up this system where they do a check-inabout his sobriety every day um and he checks in and talks about his lusttriggers talks about whether he had any relapses or slips um goes through thelist of basically how good a boy he’s been for the day um with with hissexuality and um what do you know Tyler uh this didn’t yield very good resultsuh that I that I saw um it would amplify anxiety it would set the fear cycle onfire um it would trigger shame um fromthe the guy and just like he had zero masculinity in the whole thing andultimately for the relationship it destroyed safety it was counterproductive to what they wereactually trying to rebuild and trying to create yeah i think I think Brandonthere were some principles behind that that were good principles but then theykind of got twisted into reinforcing the wrong patterns rather than the thehealthy patterns that they were trying to grow into so the reason why couples would set up a check-in would be numberone we’re trying to rebuild trust and so one way that we can be re rebuild trust is through practicing honesty and if ifone or both partners has lived a life where they’ve learned to be dishonest to get through life the practice of honestywould be theoretically be a good thing right so that’s one reason why those check-ins were there the other thoughtwas is that when couples check in and there’s honesty that will rebuild trust that would also maybe potentially help

Communication Styles

rebuild intimacy and connection um and so so there’s some level ofvulnerability that’s also in play inside of that check-in and theoretically that would be a great thing for arelationship where where it seemed to go wrong is that it more often turned intoa perpetuation of the fear and shame cycles because it turned into like aprobation check-in report on myself for all the things I did wrong today and howbad it was rather than for the intended purposes originally right because thefocus became so so fully focused on sobriety and your recovery work andeverything else and it didn’t include so many other parts so many other parts ofwhat actually really does work for couples when they do check-insproperly right so it it’s interesting you you bring uphonesty and vulnerability because a lot of the time it was intended for that and it createdthe opposite um and what I mean by that is like like I’ll give you some extremeexamples um you know like I remember one couple

Impact on Intimacy

he would ride the bus home from work and she would ask “Tell me about all thewomen that were on your bus today.” Right and so in honesty andvulnerability and I put that in quotation marks he’d say ‘Well there was this one woman in a red dress that wastoward the front there was another woman you know wearing a green shirt in the back like so soand then as he reports that he’s doing cuz he doesn’t want to be in trouble yeah he’s hearing that she’s beingcrushed that he noticed all those women a and when think what happens when he gets on thatbus he’s hyperfocused on who he’s not supposed to notice so what is hedoing noticing them so but but here’s the here’s the honesty piece that I’mtalking about when he gets to that interaction with his wife and let’s say she’s saying “Hey the therapist said “Ineed to know about all your lust triggers so who was on your bus?” What would honesty look likei think honesty might even start with a curious question back thereokay um why do you want to know it’s like yeah how is this going to help yeah wellthe therapist told us that what do you need what are you really looking for here we’re just making sure you’re not slipping

Avoiding Overwhelm

we’re making sure you’re not slipping so that’s what we’re doing right now so I’m hearing that you’re feeling fearfulabout me slipping that’s what you’re worried about well I’m worried about it because of Imean it makes total sense the issue yeah 100% that makes sense to me i can onlyimagine what it’s like to hold on to that fear so who was on the bus i guess I’m just wondering before we talk aboutthat how that’s going to help your fear because then I’ll know what like whatyou’re actually doing you’ve hidden it for years so I want I need honesty from you so I need honesty from you so that’swhy we need to talk about this okay and then at that point what I would probably do Brandon is I would say “Okay I’m notsure this is going to be helpful but yeah let’s go.” I wouldn’t I think wediffer and the reason I would maybe in that scenario is because at that pointI’m feeling like my partner is going to have to have to have some experience and do some learning to realize that thatconversation isn’t the actual conversation that’s going to help us yeah i mean I I would say somethinglike “I can assure you I didn’t have any issues with lust today but I’m not willing to go through this process withyou that doesn’t that’s honest as well that doesn’t work for me.” And she might come back with “Well the therapist saidwe should but that’s honest.” Like if it really doesn’t work for you that’s

Finding the Right Balance

honest right um or uh you know what i’dlike to talk about this in our next therapy session that’s always somethinglike that but to cave in that moment and be like “Okay I’m going to do something that I don’t feel good about you arebecoming Mr nice Guy and manipulating the situation to then try to createsafety and you’re actually destroying it.” It depends on your motive like if my motive is to actuallysay “Okay I we’re going to go through this experience so that there can be some learning that this isn’t the right conversation,” then that’s okay tootrue as long as you’re like honest about that it’s happened it’s happened a thousand times before i mean even frommy own personal experience I’ve had the conscious thought of like man this isn’t going to work but but when it gets sorooted in so far it’s like well I deserve honesty i deserve honest it’s like um I don’t think this is going tobe very helpful well I I Okay here we go and then right afterwards it’s like ah Ishouldn’t have asked that i didn’t need to know that it’s like okay so then the next time the conversation comes up say”I told you so.” No I’m just kidding well yeah you don’t you definitely don’t do that um but but the next time thatthat conversation comes up then you go “Hey is this one of those moments like this or or should we talk about something different?” Cuz I can tell

Real-Life Examples

you’re hurting and you’re scared and you’re worried and I can assure you that I’m doing my work and here’s how I’m doing my work i don’t think that thisdetailed conversation is going to be helpful right right um but I’m hereright you know but to some degree a boundary is important like absolutely ifif there’s always always a okay I can break you down i will break you down ican and I will that’s a problem and the honesty sometimes is sitting in thatspace with your partner of discomfort in a loving way of like I I know this isn’twhat you want to hear i know this is the hard thing i’m trying my best to create trust and safety with youum and I need to be honest with you this isn’t working for me i can’t fix thisissue right now for you but I but I’m here for you if you want to talk about it you want to talk about how you feeland where you’re at I’m here for you um but so so yeah let’s let’s rewindback to these check-ins Tyler there’s a there’s another another point that I want to look at if if you don’t mind and

Expert Opinions

it’s this thing about um healthy attachment when it comes to sexuality in arelationship um should I know everything that my wifethinks and does as a sexual being my spouse my partner should I knoweverything um I don’t think if I’m in your shoes I I don’t know that I’d want that personally why well just because itwould just be There’s so much There’s so much that is just passing fleeting thoughts that’s just kind of like noiseright i don’t know that I want all the noise don’t I have a right to it thougha right yeah as her partner I’ve you know her I would sexuality her fidelityis all about me right i’d love to be in a relationship with someone where we both have the understanding that thatthere would be complete openness but we both understand that there’s certain things that aren’t effective right Tylerright there is is so important what you just said so like explain that anunderstanding a willingness if if if if two partners are in a relationship wherethey’re both willing to be fully open and exposed to each other but they also understand that there’s certain thingsthat just aren’t going to be effective that’s a that’s the right relationship to be in what you don’t want to be inwith with a relationship with somebody who’s unwilling to be that open because they’re wrapped up in their shame and

Tips for Effective Check-ins

their trauma and their own self-p protections and that’s where you’re going to feel that wall of disconnection inside therelationship right it’s the unwillingness that is actually the problem it’s not the actual sharing allthe time right so like because like I’veseen plenty of times where the one partner goes out of their way to gooverboard to disclose as much as they possibly can because they’re worried that they’re not being an honest partnerand then it crushes the other partner and they’re stuck in this like heavy burden of having to sort througheverything all the time right even though there was possibly safety alreadyin the relationship because the person who’s disclosing has actually gotten really good at managing and letting goof whatever those thoughts were we we we we got to build a matrixworksheet Tyler like here because it’s like what we’re saying is like if I’munwilling to disclose anything it doesn’t create safety if I’m trying todisclose everything because I want to make sure that I’m an honest person that doesn’t build build safety in arelationship neither one do right mhm but if we’re both willing and we’reboundaried and we understand that and we feel that from one another that’s where safety andtrust are right it’s like you know my spouse I’m just as as an example my

Conclusion

spouse can have her sexual thoughts feelings whatever that’s great i trusther that she’s not going to go out and really hurt me and do thingsum therefore I don’t need to ask everything right and I think this is where when betrayal comes into the thepicture it throws this whole dynamic offkilter where where it’s like okaythis is great in a trusting relationship where we can each have our autonomous sexuality and openness about that

Audience Q&A

sexuality so that we know each other that’s beautiful it’s wonderful but youthrow betrayal in the mix and then it’s like okay autonomous sexuality what like that’s just one big trigger here wellit’s just scary it makes it really scary right and that’s where these check-ins then come into place where it’s likeokay okay like we can’t have that and so it’s really hard for a couple I think toback up and be like let’s practice what healthy attachment actually looks likelet’s have boundaries with each other let’s talk it out if we get really triggered as we practice this healthyattachment and start to move toward real trust and safety in the relationshipthat’s right um maybe we could talk a little bit about what a good check-in wouldentail uh is that all right Brandon uh yeah okay i know you and I havedifferent feelings on check-ins but you know there’s different I don’t think too too different actually okay um I don’t Idon’t think there’s anything wrong with regular check-ins i think it’s setting the intentions for the check-ins and being very very boundaried about what

Final Thoughts

those intentions are that will make them either effective or not effective right and there’s there’s lots of differentkinds of check-ins different people have made different sort of formulas like there’s one that’s really common rightnow called Thanos which is where each partner comes and they check in on their their core emotion for the day they talkabout like an affirmation or appreciation for the other person they express a need they share ownership foranything that they need to take ownership for and then they share any struggles that they’re currently having like that’s one format or that’sbeautiful the traditional way that uh we were taught was like we check inphysically emotional spiritual social sexual and we just kind of do a mindfulness check in and express thosethings to my partner so there’s lots of there’s lots of different ways to do it i think I think more important than theactual structure and like format is the is what you were saying Brandon earlierabout the boundaries around it so like with the the way that I kind of teach mycheck-ins with people is if they’re doing say the physical social spiritual emotional sexual check-ins there’s rulesand we we section time off and each partner is going to share so it’s not just a one-way street and the partnerwho’s sharing is going to try to do a mindful check-in and and they’re goingto try to go into a little bit of detail to practice sharing and the partner who’s receiving can only do a couple ofthings the partner who’s receiving can only practice empathy and ask clarifyingquestions they can’t solve a problem they can’t rebut things they can’t argueall they’re doing is trying to show empathy and ask clarifying questions and then that sounds so easy yeah yeah andthen the partnership switches but but when you actually practice those things now you’re practicing empathy you’repracticing boundaries you’re practicing some honesty and both partners are learning the skill of how to hold theother person without it becoming this like same old routine fight over well Idisagree with you on that or I don’t agree with you in this or you should have done that or or why didn’t you do this it’s more of like tell me more iwant to understand that more oh that you must have been feeling this or this or this or if I was in your shoes I’d beexperiencing that um so so you’re actually building in what is usually thelost part of communication for couples by the time they hit our office which is the empathy piece and the understandingpiece and you could do that you could do the same kinds of rules with the Thanos check-in if you wanted feelingsaffirmations needs ownership struggles yeah right you’ll notice the differencein energy behind the these so like what you just described Tyler with both ofthese techniques is about actual connectionand presence with each other it’s just holding space connecting seeing eachother validating understanding um which is way different than a check-in that isabout fear and control like let I’m afraid of you andwe’re we’re here to control something and so let’s check in because I’m in a lot of fear and and it’s almost twocompletely different things that we call it both a check-in but they’re twocompletely different things one of them destroys your relationship one of them actually starts to lay the groundworkum for the foundation of a relationship that is built on trust and safety that’sright and and the difference is and this is normal Brandon when there’s been some kind of a betrayal or a compulsivebehavior addiction and inside of a relationship relationships tend to moveto a you know to a power and control kind of design in the relationship becausethat’s how people try to stay safe and they move away from a connection-basedrelationship and so what you’re looking for the reason we got into relationships in the first place is to be in aconnection-based relationship and so if I’m going to stay in this relationship and work on this recovery that I’mworking on I want to be engaging in the check-in process in a way that’s goingto reinforce moving from power and control into connection and not the other way around because if I’mreinforcing power and control then I am reinforcing all those things that we’re that we were trying to climb out ofright and what we’re trying to move back towards is a connectionbased relationship which includes healthyboundaries both people knowing who they are being able to hold space for one another and there can still be thathonesty inside of that that check-in that then allows a partner who may might not be feeling safe to go “Ooh you knowlike if if I came home and and checked in on something and it was like eventhough during the check-ins I could hear it and hold space in the aftermath I’d have to come back and say that thatdidn’t sit real well with me and because of that I need to do X Y and Z right like when you said you sat and talkedfor 15 minutes to the girl next to you in the next cubicle over um that was alittle triggering for me and so I’m going to need a little bit of space to get my feet planted and decide what I want to do with that um right you knowbut but that’s that’s different than oh and what else what else what else what else right right um there’s there’sanother part to checkins you know in quotes that I think is helpful is thatoften times the partner feels like who’s been like betrayed feels like it’s theirduty to hold the space while the other person checks in on their honesty and alot of times that’s too overwhelming and there’s too much emotional swirling and they have their own kind of needs thatthey need to attend to emotionally to be the one to hold yeah all of the partner’s honesty and so I I alsorecommend that both partners actually have this is where group work comes inor a sponsor comes in they actually have another person where they do a lot oftheir actual recovery work and then they come and they share with their partner the work that they’re doing rather than telling on themselves so if I cross someof my lines of defense today um my partner needs to know that becausethat’s a safety marker for her but she doesn’t need to be the one to to hash out what happened and what I’m doing toreset my lines of defense and everything else i’m going to do that with a group member or a therapist or something andreset my lines and then I’m going to come to my partner and in the check-in process and say “Hey I ran into a bottomline today um this is what happened this is who I talked to this is what Irealized this is my plan to move forward uh how are you feeling right instead oflike that partner then having to go do all of that work for you yeah in factlike disclosure should happen not because of a checkindisclosure should happen because you have gotten accountable with thosepeople supporting you and and you’ve gotten honest with yourself and so then you go disclose something that you knowyou need to in order to get back into your integrity right um which is way different than you knowevery day I’m just scared of myself and scared of you know that you might be madat me so let’s go through the whole you know day to make sure I’m not a bad boyum you look at it Tyler from the lens of attachment um anxious avoidant and secureum if you look at check-in through that lens anxious attachment is about sittingdown every night and going through all the details um avoidant is not havingcheck-ins because you’re scared to have connection at all and secure attachmentis coming together and being like “Hey I trust myself i I know you let’s talklet’s get present let’s get honest with who we are and and uh we can be boundaried where we need to.” And it’sbeautiful it works really well right when it’s when it’s done right when it’s done right and so it’s kind of a catch22 Tyler because uh when there’s things like sexaddiction going on you don’t snap your fingers and it’s like “Hey do a check-in where you’reboth you know insecure attachment when you do it.” Right right that’s that’s thechallenge and that’s I think what we’re trying to do is set the right parameters so there’s the practice of secureattachment in those check-ins because the truth is is one or both partners isn’t going to be coming to thosecheck-ins every day from a place of security right right but that’s the practice but the beauty of it and thisis what’s awesome about relationship is if let’s say one partner or the other comes with anxiety to the interactionthe other partner can help co-regulate um the the situation if they’re secure if onepartner is secure then that interaction between them won’t turn into anxiousunless they turn into anxious if they stay in that secure attachment thatother partner will probably come to them or the situation won’t happen or they’llend up with a timeout of some sort right because that secure person is strong enough to hold whatever is yeah iremember uh being in uh a training when I was in the drug courts and we were talking about attachment theory and thenwe were talking about the emotion focused couples stuff and he they did that infinity loop that’s an emotionfocused couples and he was training and he said you know everyone talks abouthow it takes two to tango or there’s always two story two parts to the story or whatever else you know and he saidthat’s true he’s like but it only takes one to break this cycle and his whole point was if youfocus focus on yourself and your part in the cycle you can actually break the wholecycle by just by just growing into a new space yourself right um because it itnaturally then invites a change to the whole system when you when you learn to do that so it only takes one to breakthe cycle i’m not going to dance with you in the unhealthiness and and here’s the trick Tyler a lot of times theperson with the anxiety or the unhealthy attachment is like the see you’re theworst you’re abandoning me that you’re like this is the like I knew this would happen and the person who’s who’s strongand healthy they can they can actually hang in there with that too where it’slike tell me how you’re feeling i’m here for it but otherwise that would be avoided if they’re like yep talked onthe hand i’m out of here yeah like see I am abandoning you boom right versus like I see your fear i see your anxiety i’mhere for you right um am I going to cave on things to go dance there with you noi’m going to have boundaries around certain things and if I do take some time away I’ll I’ll check back on youi’ll come back because I have the strength to do that um and I’ll I can show up um but I can show up in form ican show up as me with integrity and not have to capitulate to the situation inorder to in in order to try to be goodright right um so on both ends like I hope I hopeour audience can hear what we’re saying is we want you to check in absolutelyum but make those make those check-ins about love not fear check check in butmake sure that you’re clear on your on what you’re going for and if you’re going for a connection-basedrelationship then it needs to have certain structures and boundaries to practice connection-based relationshipsinstead of just defaulting to what is likely a power and control based relationship based off of the pain thatyou’ve been through together right um we’re trying to change that we don’t want to reinforce it and so if you findthat you’re wrangling with each other every night in check-ins that means that you haven’t created the right space topractice to practice that connection-based you know accountability humility empathy honesty andboundaries so Tyler what do I do if I suspect something so it’s like okay isthis my trigger is this like let’s let’s use your example from earlier like theytalk to this person at work for 15 minutes or whatever and I’m I’m suspecting there’s flirting going onthere’s some inappropriateness to their relationship um I suspect those thingsbut I don’t really know right so how do I have a checkin and how do I addressthat well I think I think again if we’re looking at a kind of connectionbasedcheck-in it it there’s a different way to ask that question too or to approach that subject and one would be like hey II think you’re having an affair versus man when you said those things I had all of this stuff come income up inside of me and I felt really scared and insecure and maybe it’s some old stuff i don’t know if it’s old ornew stuff and I got to check in with you and just kind of I’m just wondering wasthere more to that conversation than what you’re leading on to okayand if there was so let’s say the partner says “Youknow what i I was flirting that hurts badlike I’m probably gonna I’m probably going to need to do something about that because I don’t feel that actually justconfirms to me that I’m not actually really safe right now is this a good thing for the relationship it dependsi actually think it is there’s there’s there’s honesty now in both in both waysthere’s the opportunity now for me if I’m playing this part to then go and actually set some boundaries that that Ican do to get myself grounded and planted emotionally again and figure out what my next steps of action are going to be based off of what what I was justgiven i think it’s important to understand Tyler like we really start to play thisthing with with couples to understand what are the lines that you want to know that that are important for fidelity inyour relationship define fidelity for your relationship how does that work umyou know if if you walk into work and you notice someone attractive um maybe it’s an important line to say”Look we don’t have to disclose those things.” But if I’m flirting for 15 minutes maybe that’s a line that I’vecrossed that is important for me to be honest with you about even if it really hurts you yeah those those are those arethe kinds of discussions that a lot of couples get uh confused about because one partner thinks that this level ofdisclosure is what we’ve agreed on and this level of disclosure is what I’m expecting and it’s crazy how couplesdon’t have conversations and define that for their relationship they never dothey just get in they get into the relationship and it’s like well I was taught this as a kid and you were taught that and so we’re just going to kind ofassume what fidelity is between the two of us and then they get in this like song and dance in the relationship oflike well I I don’t think I did anything wrong but did I and if if I’m anxious then I’ll be like let me tell youeverything if I’m avoidant I’ll be like yeah I I didn’t do anything but like Idid all this stuff but I’m not going to tell you because it’ll hurt you so I’m avoid and so you get on both sides ofthat versus like hey let’s get clear with each other about what our expectations are when it comes to oursexual fidelity like that that’s an adult conversation to have that is crazythat couples don’t have that conversation yeah right and then they’re living in the dark and then there’s aperception then when it does kind of start to come to light because it hasn’t been discussed beforehand that there’s been dishonesty when sometimes sometimesthere is dishonesty really and sometimes it’s just been I didn’t really think that that was important or that youwanted to know that right that they actually sincerely believe that that’snot something that I felt like but it’s hard because sometimes that’s also used in order to be dishonest you know rightso so it’s hard to sometimes it’s try to tease that out but if it’s talked about proactively beforehand then you have theparameters there’s that there’s a little bit more of a clearer picture for both partners and yeah there’s it’s easier tothen follow through with whatever was agreed upon and sometimes I’ve seen where partners come and they say “Ourfidelity is that you’re you just have attraction to me and that’s it.” And we got a a question recently about you knowlike I want my spouse to look down in public all the time you know and it’s like and at that point in thosediscussions don’t agree to things that you know you can’t fulfill yeah right and you and you got to thenhave hard conversations of like look this is what will work for me and what won’t i’m going to be honest with youabout who I am yeah um right now so that down the road when we’re dealing withthese situations that we may or may not have to check in on um you know where I stand yeah thatthat’s what you’re saying both partners need to be honest and not just in the disclosing way but in the boundary kind of wayabsolutely and and you might come up against some compatibility issues with thatyou know one one partner’s way over here and one partner’s way over here and it’s like okay how do we navigate this oneyep so Tyler has this been helpful talking aboutcheck-ins i hope we don’t leave people more confused than not so so really to encapsulate what we said it doesn’tmatter what structure you pick understand what you’re going for andthen set some boundaries around what you’re going for with whatever structure you pick and you want empathy you wantthe practice of empathy the practice of honesty the practice of holding space and presence and the practice of beingable to be like share who you really are with each other and if you’re if you’retriggered and turning to I I’m going to put a check in in order to feel safewatch out and you you might have to look within first to say “Okay I want to go use my tools my support systems regulatemyself so then I can have an actual good check-in with my partner.” And we mighttalk about some hard things but it’s not about fear and control it it leads tolove and connection tyler good talk yeah love to hear whatpeople think of this or how they react or respond um we love having you here with us thank you for your support forus and uh until next