How Can I Trust God When He Put Me In A Bad Relationship?

how can I trust God when he put me in a badrelationship what is going on you guys Tyler again I’m on my own again today uhBrandon is traveling home uh and he wasn’t quite able to makeit in time from going to support a friend who is getting married so hopefully he had an awesome weekend he’sa good friend he traveled from where we live in Utah down to I think it was Arizona so pretty dedicated friend thereand hopefully he’ll be back with us on Wednesday so a couple of things just tomention really quickly uh number one thank you to those of you who give usreviews and subscribe we are able to reach more people as a result of those things andwe really appreciate your support in doing those things and so if you feel inclined the ways that you can help usthat are no cost to you is to just either write us a review wherever you listen or if you’re on YouTube with ussub subscribe and if you happen to be on the live chat you’re we would love to have your participation I need toapologize to there was a commenter last week I was by myself and we had acommenter I think the title was Flo Morgan and you asked a question and I

The Struggle

was kind of lost doing this thing all by myself and I didn’t see all of your stuff until it was right towards the endof the episode and so Flo Morgan Morgan I did copy your question and on one ofthe next um episodes that we have where we don’t have an actual caller we’llwe’ll get to your question so hopefully that’ll still be pertinent to you when we get to that and thank you for yourquestion so today we have a caller I’m excited to have on we have Louise withus Louise welcome hi thank you glad you’re here with us why don’t you justtell us a little bit about you your situation and then ask your question okay so um background wise I grew up infoster but it wasn’t a traditional foster care situation I actually grew up in a Convent so my parents were nuns umand there were two main nuns that took care of me so I I didn’t have a goodexample of like an actual relationship between a man and a woman like a healthy romantic relationship right I sawfriendship I saw all of this stuff um how to be a parent things like that but I never saw an intimate relationshipbetween two individuals um fast forward I’m now married two kidsum been married for almost three years and we will have been together for 10years in July um and you know at thispoint um it is my relationship with my husband is not great um it he is not a badperson by any means um and I am not a Flawless person by any means right so wewe want to make that very clear that I have made a lot of mistakes in the 10 years right I met him in my early 20s sothere was a lot of things that I was still learning like how to be a human um and you know how to associate myself ina world that was not necessarily made for someone like me um and the same thing for my husband right like he came from a similarly tumultuous backgroundso he had a lot of ways to learn how to navigate the world but now we’re we’re a lot older we’re decade in and we’rehaving this issue where I have you know I’m trying to say this in a nice

Relationship Nature

way but um surpassed him career-wise right so I make more money um I havehigher level certification and it has caused tensionbecause now I’m the main bread winner I’m the only bread winner um he does not work he has he seems to be in this likeweird depression but when we talk about it he he feel he sounds very positive but no changes are made um and and Ibecause of my background and how I grew up I have a very intimate relationship with God right and um I I believe thatyou know you live life as a walking prayer and I and I have daily constant conversation and for me a lot of it isjust to ground myself and keep myself in reality right because of my background I do have PTSD um so I do get in incomplex PTSD so I get triggered by random stuff that doesn’t make sense um and I and I don’t take medication for itI’ve been in therapy since I was too so it’s a whole thing but um I I’m very self-aware of who I am and how I reactto things because I don’t want to react to poorly um and and I often look fordirection and and I seek for direction and because I don’t have family I don’t get a lot of Direction um and so then alot of my concern is directed towards God right and uh it it turns and I’vedone lots of therapy but it doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere and then so then I I see myself becoming angrier andangrier with God about how did I end up here right like I have already beat somany odds and yet here I am recreating this this generational curse of of badmarriages right which was never my intention I do not believe in divorce I don’t believe in you know anything otherthan once you get married that is your partner and you stick to it and you work it out um but it there you three timeswe’ve been to coup’s therapy and there’s nothing right no no meaningful change and you know so now I’m just I feelbitter and angry and you know the resentment isn’t towards my husband it’s almost towards God because I trustedthat God would put me in a loving you know him centered relationship and it

Red Flags

just seemingly didn’t happen got you so so help if you can youdon’t have to air too much dirty laundry if you don’t want to but what uh you obviously referenced the work differencediscrepancy the training discrepancy what else in your marriage is not working to the point that itfeels like a like a bad marriage um there there’s been a history of physicalviolence in the 10 years that’s happened um it’s a lot of like name calling fromhis part um that has gone down a lot um that was that was a big issue for a really long time it’s gone down a lotbut still happens um and then you know like housework you know I work full-timeum but I’m still the main house taker right like I I take care of the house umhe does like dishes every once in a while and mainly just does laundry and then keeps our youngest from destroyingthe house which I appreciate and don’t want to discredit at all because staying at home with a kid is very hard and I’m fully aware of that um but there’s alsothat give and take that isn’t happening got you is it pretty frequent with uhsome of these other things the the criticism name calling that kind of stuff yeah yeah umand and it’s to a point where you know you I get I don’t want I don’t want tobe involved right I don’t I don’t want to engage a lot of it is just like okay you know shutting down the conversationand and it’s almost unintentional but intentional stonewalling where I just have to you know I’m not engaging inthis because I already know what is where it’s going right and I’m not interested and sometimes I often I willsay that and it it doesn’t change anything right like I I’m very vocal umand and I set I I practiced my whole life right setting these boundaries andI said boundaries but it doesn’t matter very much a boundary Pusher where it’s like right but right and and then itbecomes more which I I often have to walk away got you so then so even though youknow you’re doing it you acknowledge that on your side of things almost as a

Faith in Hard Times

survival technique use Stonewall which then creates distancekind of in the relationship he probably feels like there’s nothing for him to come to or press against I don’t knowhe’s not here um but then that fuels more disconnection between the two ofyou and so now you’re basically two people living in the same home but notreally having any kind of real connection yeah yeah and and it’s it’s disheartening because it’s not that Idon’t love him right like I married him for a reason and I had children with him for a reason and um I I want to believethat there is a possibility that this will get better and maybe it’s you knowif it’s a matter of I need to continue to be self-aware and continue to make the the positive changes in my life tothen example the behavior right so hopefully that it will rub off off because you can lead a horse to waterbut you can’t get him to drink right and I feel like that’s a big you know pointin my relationship is that I can example all the behaviors but if he doesn’t want to doit right okay yeah so I have a couple of thoughts on that before I do that can you just tell me I mean you said youstill love him you obviously married him for a reason you chose to have children with him for areason what are some of those reasonskindness he was loving he was kind and he still is don’t get me wrong I say was but he still is he has this intenseability to be very loving and kind to me and very understanding and you know I uh I work in medicine so I I work a lot andI also unfortunately have very strange hours and he’s always supported that with me um the the home as far as likemy kids go they are they aren’t needing anything they don’t want for anything hehe’s very kind to them very aware of their needs so and and because of that II there was no question whether I was having KS with him right I knew he was going to be an attentive dad but Ididn’t understand the level of complexity that having a partner wouldwould be and I think that that’s where I’m very hung up because I never saw this level of partnership right so got

Strength in Scripture

you okay so so I’m hearing maybe three things and maybe there’s more so help methe first one is is you’re saying a part of me just growing up acknowledges that I’ve never really had a gooddemonstration of what an actual good marriage would look like and so I’m trying to learn that I’m I’m open tolearning those things but I don’t know what I don’t know that’s part of ityou’re also feeling frustrated inside the relationship because it feels like for lack of a better term it feels liketo you there’s not an equal yoking in terms of what you’re both pouring intorelationship and then the third part is is that that then leads to you having a wrestle or a strain with yourrelationship with God which is typically a close relationship but right now you’re feeling some anger or someresentment yeah yeah that that’s a great summarization okay all right so we couldgo lots of different directions with this the first the first direction that I’m kind of thinking about and wondering about a little bit is just inside ofyour just inside of your marriage having not really experiencedit by watching it too much what are the ways that you’ve tried to learn about how to show up in a relationship andwhat to expect in a relationship that you would be in a married relationship books lots of books um youknow love language The Love Languages um I think it’s like the five rights or something like that um and there therewas a book called trust by Elan love and an um read that multiple times umYouTube videos um I’ve done lots of very extensive counseling like I said we’ve we’ve done three different types ofcouples counseling on top of that um so I you know as much as I can Gatheringresources yeah okay good and that that’s awesome and and I’ll I’ll mention a fewmore here for our listeners and also for you you can go back and listen I know you’re probably not in a spot to take notes right now but some of the onesthat we recommend frequently is of course this gets beat to death on our show but the anatomy of Peace by Thearbinger Institute is is a great book for relationships all relationships something like love sense

Personal Stories

by Susan Johnson would I think really speak to maybe some of the things you’re running into another book called Hold MeTight that she wrote as well could be helpful with that and then another one that I don’t always recommend but couldbe helpful in opening up some conversation with with your husband isone by last name Harley called his needs her needs and that might just open severalkinds of disc discs that you guys could could have together as it relates to that now what I what I wonder ishappening is when you have these kinds of like conversations with him or approach himabout the lack of effort in the relationship that you feel like you’re receiving or when you feel yourselfstarting to kind of shut down where do you turn where do yougo like internally externally or both umwell so I think that two different things happen because those are kind of like two differentreactions in myself so if I’m shutting down oftentimes there is no place that Igo per se it’s more just the acknowledging that like I am not going to exist here so then I either go intomy phone or I am you know I start cleaning start cooking you know busy mind stuff so that I don’t think aboutanything um but as far as like you know when I start really getting likefrustrated with my environment a lot of it is you know like one is is thiscorrect do I do I have the right to feel this upset in this right becausesometimes we can feel upset and it it’s not the situation it’s other things but um you know as the situation builds I’mlike okay yes this is this is what I’m feeling I’m acknowledging this I’m looking for things that are confirmingthis and I’m trying to be conscious of like confirmation bias yes right because I’m not trying to reconfirm somethingbad that’s happening if nothing bad is happening um and eventually though if Ifind enough confirmation that’s when I go to him right and I’m like okay you know this this we need to sit down andhave a conversation because this is out of control right yes and and then when you have that kind of conversation when

Prayer Guidance

you go to him if I was to be able to kind of watch that interplay like on a movie screen what would I see andhere so initially it’s it’s me just how I’m talking to you right like I’m goingto be a very upfront um and unfortunately because I have that like lack of inter personal like you knowmarriage relationship background I kind of sometimes treat things like businessum so I’m very much like hey you know this is what I’m seeing I do the sandwich you know I you’re really goodat this we’re really struggling right here right now I really need support with this because you know I forwhatever whatever but I’m really grateful that you’re doing this right and so I stand with that’s the firstattempt generally it takes two three four attempts before I’m being heard andby the time I’m at that fourth or fifth attempt now I’m inry right now I’m I don’t have that level of control that Ihad before because this is you know up to you know three four weeks later thatwe’re still having the same conversation um and and then you know ityou get tears you get uh potentially mean words right and from both sides andthen it’s a break out of communication we step away we try to have another conversation either it works or itdoesn’t gotcha okay and his response for all of this is just to respond kindly through all of that upuntil the third or fourth or fifth try or does he go into a shell does he get defensive like what happens a lot ofdefensiveness um and I I can say that even on both sides right like I there could be something in the house thatcould equally be my concern but for whatever reason I’ve assigned it to him right and so then I get angry becauseI’m like you didn’t you know do this and then he’s like well why didn’t you and I’m like well how dare you assume that I would be doing that right so thisdefensiveness can come from both sides um but I think the biggest one for himis he shuts down eventually because you know I think he sees it as a shame pointwhen there that’s not the intention right like I’m not saying this to shame you make you feel bad right like um it’sbecause there needs something needs to change and I I often find that he shuts down he

Community Support

sees it as an attack and and I try I try my hardest to not use attacking wordsright like you are or absolutes like you always things like that I really try my hardest not to do that because I don’t Iwant to leave room for change but I’m I’m not perfect so I probably do use absolutes sometimes right and then thatcan cause them to really shut down where he’s like I well you’re saying I never do this when I know I do this right soand then you guys are in about how often it happens rather than about the principle that you brought that you just wanted to have addressed yeah thesemantics are the biggest problem of yeah that’s a really really commonstrategy when shame is in the picture because it distracts away from what feels like the actual attack so you knowif you come to me and you’re like hey Tyler like I’m really struggling because I thought we had agreed that because I’mgone all day you’re going to make sure that the kitchen stays clean or whatever and thenI go into well I do clean the kitchen and you’re like well not not really it’s like not very often it’s like I well andthen let’s fight about how many times last week it got cleaned rather than nevertheless here’s the real issuewhat’s underneath even that what’s underneath the conversation that makes you want to bring it up in the first place it’s inthis case it’s like hey I I don’t want to resent you and I’m resenting youbecause we made an agreement with one another and you’re not seeming to follow through on your agreement and that makesme feel disrespected devalued unimportant whatever else yeah right yesyes absolutely and and really then it that then comes into play the trustright if you tell me you’re going to do something and I trust that you’re going to do it and then you don’t and there’sa consistently where you say you’re going to do something and you consistently don’t do something I’m then going to take your word as nothing rightbecause you are not proving to me that you have meaning behind what you’re saying and and then you know right thatthen I become resentful but on top of that I stop trusting you on top of that what you say to me then becomes Less inmy mind because you are just talking to talk you’re not talking because you actually find Value in it and that’swhere I go in my head at least yeah which which is a natural place to be going in all of that and then it makes

Lessons Learned

sense that you’d start feeling all as a result of that frustration and that resentment then you’d start to look forother strategies to try to cope which then leads to your what you said is your stonewalling or whatever else yeah right so so one ofthe one of the strategies just really quickly this is kind of a side note from where I really want to go with you is is that in those kinds of conversationswhen you run into something with your partner and you can tell that it’s kind of hitting their shame one of thestrategies is to distract into the semantics of everything and if you can go into the conversation knowing whatthe core emotions and principles are that you’re bringing to the conversation broken record back to theback the principles and the emotions rather than getting stuck in the semantics yeah so well you did it threetime I did it three times last week it’s like nevertheless what I’m saying is is that I don’t feel important so let’stalk about that part I’m not being seen I’m not being valued I don’t care how many times it was last week well thisand this and this well yes of course but nevertheless let’s address this feeling let’s address this principle let’s makesure that we’re on the same page together let’s address trust and let’s I want I want to make sure you understandwhat it’s like for me when you say something and don’t follow through with it yeah um so so use that as a pullbackif you can if you can keep yourself rational and not going into your own kind of flooded or shameful statesto the the principles and the emotions are the core the Cornerstone of theconversation right um so so then you can kind of keep your feet planted and andtry to direct that conversation in a way that can be productive for as long as you can until one or both of you are tooflooded and then it’s okay at that point to say hey we’re taking a break let’s get calm and hopefully you know you havea place to go and get grounded get your perspective back and hopefully he would do the same if he doesn’t that’s going to be a whole differentstory yeah um I’m also wondering another thing and maybe this is something thatcrosses your mind already but this is something that’s really common in couplesis sometimes you’re in a relationship with each other and one of you kind of starts to see a pathway forward that you

Moving Forward

want to take and you start working on yourself you start growing you startlearning you start improving you start trying to bring back new ideas and the other partner sometimeslags behind and that often it’s like a I picture it like a rubber band there’slike tension that starts to be put on the rubber band between the two people and at that point sometimes theperson who’s trying to grow trying to improve will almost put a governor on themselves or even back up to avoid thetension but then that only fuels more hopelessness and resentment because they’re too afraid that if they keepgrowing eventually the rubber band’s going to snap and it’s going to break um is that apply at all here to the wayyou’re looking at things or your situation applied and uh definitely feltalmost every single day so yeah yeah what’s that experience like for you tobe kind of stuck in that tense rocking a hardspot um this heartening disheartening is the biggestword that I have because you know you go into a relationship with this idea ofwhere you’re going to grow to and then like you said one surpasses the otherone but then it becomes this massive shift where right like if I were to meethim today he would not an option in my book right and it’s more because of his

Conclusion

how he presents himself and his his own you know choice to get more educationand and better himself right um and that’s really you know problematic in mymind because I want my children to grow up and see both of their parents successful both of their parents workedhard on themselves and it’s not happening um and and I will go as far I’ve written resumés I’ve put in youknow know like job stuff for him like his last three jobs I I got for himbasically got the interviews for him um and then youknow I I become a stump I know that sounds weird but eventually I just can’tright emotionally I’m so overcome when I look at my reality sometimes that I’mjust like I’m I just need to sit here and I just have to be because it it hurts so bad yeah you said you become astump you mean that’s what you mean you just kind of like shut down is that what you mean by that yeah okay yeah I just Idon’t do anything I like you know the enjoyment of life kind of goes away because you have a partner to do thingswith your partner but right if your partner is limiting the ability to do things with them then it you knowbecomes this circle of yeah now now you’re stuck in a placeof having enough water under the bridge with this partner and enough desire to want to stay in the relationship and enough love for for him mhm but nowyou’re almost making conscious choices to not continue to grow because you kindof know what the outcome might be if you keep growing yeah yeah and and I mean it isit is that outcome um and I I felt guilty I mean like when when I got mylast certification it was a very intensive um like year program it was something that was supposed to be twoyears it was pushed into a year very intensive program and um I was gone a lot right and dealt with all of it andyou know I’m I’m so grateful for that but then all of a sudden not only does that change you know our our life in ina lot of ways but it also changes our social status right like I just changed our tax bracket within the last year butthat also means then that he has this idea of what that means for us but it Ihave a very strict idea in my mind because I’m the one making the moneyright like and he’s talking about his hobbies and like starting a whiskey you know buying H Hobby and you know he heworks super part-time at a gun store and so like buying more guns and it’s like butthose things do not matter in my head right because like ultimately we need topay bills we need to work on you know savings so we can buy a house and you know all of these rational thingswhereas he’s like oh frivolous and that makes it really are too because then it’s like so are you using me right likeyou know are you do you see me as like some like cash cow or you’re like oh yeah I’ll just stick with her because I’ll get whatever I want and you knowthen again it comes back to resentment and anger and distrust and again yeah soyeah okay um this is okay so a couple thoughts going through my mind it sounds likeyou’re already trying to do this but the formula when you’re in a situation like this where you’re kind of in that rock in a hard spot you ask yourself somequestions the first one is what what can I currently do toinvite things to go right and am I doing everything in my power to invite things to go right or change the situation yeahand you might you’ve I’m sure you’ve racked your brain a thousand times on this but that’s the first thing becauseI have control over that I can make choices with that and so it’s like hey I might go have that conversation that’sgoing to go awkwardly or kind of get try to be distracted in other places but I’m going to do it because I feel like Ineed to speak my values in order to not resent and and to also invite him to come along to the new spaces I want togo um I might yes yeah does that make sense go ahead yeah yeah no no no I wasjust I was just agreeing because there is right like I have this idea of where I want him to be and where I want us tobe and I want him to come along and I include him in all of this and then it just feels like based off of his actionshe’s uninterested almost yeah right right and then yeah yeah okay so soyou’re doing everything and you can and this is important not because you might for sure you might be able to change theoutcome by doing whatever you can to invite things to go right or invite things to improve try to facilitatechange with what you have control over but by doing that even if nothing changes you then have the ability to atleast kind of go into yourself and say I’m doing everything I know how and there’s like a piece of mind that comeswith that and a groundedness that comes with that and then it leads to the second question which is now that I’mdoing what I can to invite and facilitate the change is there anything about my situation that I could changehow I feel about it and suffer less and sometimes you might findsomething you know I I don’t I’m going to watch your facial expressions when I say this but maybe you maybe you’re ableto fully change your perspective and say I am so grateful that my kids have thatmasculine presence in their home all the time regardless of whether or not the housework gets done um it’s a it’s a what it’s a it’s aprice that I’m willing to pay to not have any help around the house just to have him there with thekids I don’t know if that I don’t know how that I don’t know how that sits with you or not um um it seems it’s uh what’sthe word I’m looking for like it’s giving excuses okay for Behavior so it doesn’t sit well with you then you’renot you’re not going to change how you feel with that but that’s the idea could you you know think of a few other waysof looking at your current situation knowing you’re doing what you can to change it and find ways that you couldfeel differently about it that would allow you to suffer less and sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t yeahwell so actually um one of the biggest things I’m doing right now I am decluttering my whole house like I’mliterally like look like a crazy person this past weekend because I’m just like I think a big contention point right isthe house work well what’s the best way to reduce housework well reduce the stuff that needs to actually be cleanedright and reduce the amount of stuff we have because we have you know a whole bunch of clutter kids grow fast out oftoys shoes clothes you know so we get that out of the way and then all the unnecessary items that we have right arethere things that we’re holding on to that we don’t necessarily want so I’ve been kind of like reducing the stuff inour house to maybe bring down the need to always be cleaning right because kidsare kids and they don’t care and so they’ll they’ll throw things whereverright and and mine are really fairly young so they really aren’t there yet and and so then if we reduce the thingsto be thrown around right the pickups less all of that stuff so I’m hoping that that will make at least a positivechange and maybe a lot of this is he’s feeling overwhelmed and that’s what I’m trying to gauge is because like I don’twant to be out here being like him him him him him without also acknowledgingthat like he’s a he’s a human right and like right he’s he’s living an equally Vivid life that as me and maybe how he’sexperiencing his world because we’ve had over this past two and a half years very major changes um and like we we movedhalfway across the country away from all of his people um I went through breast cancer like it it was a whole thing sohe could also be dealing with a depression right is is this a matter ofyou know his mental health is really waning and he doesn’t know how to talk about it cuz he wasn’t given the resources and me being this likeoverbearing witch in the background isn’t helping right so then I I I wantto be soft with him while also setting clear boundaries of like I understandyou’re suffering and maybe going through a lot of stuff but choosing to sit in suffering without working out of it isgoing to become a bigger problem right and I don’t want to leave him in that depressive state if that’s the case andI don’t want to walk away from him in his time of need because that’s literally the the exact opposite point of marriage so like yeah yes okay so sowhat you just did is both one and two you’re saying number one I’m going tohelp make sure we declutter our lives and that might also help to then feel like it’s more manageable that’ssomething I have control over that I’m willing to do that could help support what I want to have happen in the house and that he might be able to take careof a little bit better second part is can you change how you feel about it you just did that by going okay I’m at leastgoing to entertain the thought it doesn’t necessarily have to be true but entertain the thought that hisperspective is different than mine and he may be in a ton of shame I mean I’m I’m putting myself in his shoes rightnow you got a sharp smart woman who is now making more money than you andyou’re married to her but as a man you generally feel like you should be the one that should help provide and nowyou’re not doing that he’s probably feeling some level of shame he’s probably some feeling some level of fearhe’s probably feeling you know all the things that you just said maybe with the change in the move and everything elseyou went through and now hearing that you went through breast cancer he might be not just depressed but he might alsobe worried about losing you there could be a lot of things that are going on there um that’s great exercise so youjust did number one and number two changing how you feel about it but now you’re coming back to also saying I ammyself and I have to live within my values so now I could give him the benefit of the doubt and yet I stillhave to have some kind of pathway forward and I still have to have my own values that I have to set boundariesaround right that’s perfect that’s the that’s right where you that’s right where you need to be in your pathwayforward um the other two things that go along with this is that if you’ve done what you can you’ve looked atalternative perspectives and chosen to agree or not agree with those perspectives based on the truth of yourvalues then you work into a place of trying to accept the things that you can’t change andthen the last one is you can choose to stay miserable um obviously you don’t want to do that and that’s where you’re feelingfrustrated is you’re feeling almost like your hand is being forced to to if you keep growing you can see yourselfpotentially needing to move on and that means all sorts of different consequences for your kids for yourideas about marriage for you know not leaving him in a Lurch and and that’sthe hard part is you know I don’t know if you listen to the episode where Brandon talks about being on a bridge with a rope have you heard that analogyyeah yeah it feels it feels like you’re the one that feels like you’re on the bridge and you’re wanting to hold the rope and you’re saying hey if you’redepressed let’s get some help let’s do this this this if you’re feeling shame you got to figure your shame out likelet’s do this thing and he keeps like hanging on but in your estimation hanging on of the rope saying no just hold this just hold this we’re fineright the way it is eventually you’re going to get too tired and you’re going to have to let go of that rope hope yeahum but then that leads to your original question which is if you grow to the place where you’re now at thisCrossroads and you either in order to continue to live your values and wantingto keep growing might need to make some hard choices that pushes you back insome ways into your original question into like the wrestle with God yeah likeyeah and why why why would God put you in a spot where the pathway forwardwould lead to this hard Choice well yeah and and to some degree you know how andand this is how I was raised and I’m still active in my church community and it it goes against the values of mychurch right and it goes against everything that I was raised with andyou know I I understand that there’s free will right on both ends and so then I struggle with this well God you youknow you say here and everything that I hear is that we work through this we weyou know turn the other cheek because he you know he who has no sin cast the first stone and I sure is how sin rightso I know that I’m not a perfect person but I also know that you know my Godwould not put me in a relationship that wasn’t good for me and and that didn’t have some growth aspect inside of it andthat would you know potentially cause greater harm in the long run I just I have that right issue where I I believethat you know God put us together and kept us together for for so long for a reason um but now it’s like you knowmake the choice to go against everything that I’ve been told or stay the course but potentially be miserable and in theprocess right like figure out how to not suffer when you feel like you’re suffering yeah well and maybe that’s thefrustration you’re feeling is the current status quo feels likesuffering the alternative feels like self- betrayal which then has you questioningwhy would God put you on this cliff and is there some other way is there some other way to view this thing yeah yeahyou know and the the worst part is oftentimes where I come to this almostnightly right where I’m just like what what do I do right and I call out to God and I’m like please give me the strengthplease give me the wisdom right like show me what I with the the right route um and ironically this happened anywaysbut um you know and and it’s so where how can I move forward while honoringyou know what I’ve been told and myself at the same time and not worsening his life right because like ultimately likemy choice will affect him and I don’t want to be at fault for causing harm insomeone else’s life and you know so then I’m I’m like you know God where do I go from here is there another route youknow am I not seeing everything clearly right that I I’m using correct discernmentwhen I have convers with and try to take out these emotions but ultimately you know we’re still here and this is whywe’re having this conversation yeah yeah I hear the wrestle inside of you and you’re asking really good questions toyourself and to God that wrestle is real I can hear it um it’s interestingbecause I hear that you’re frustrated and angry at God but I hear that you actually do have a pretty deep Affinity with God and you feel really close andconnected there oh absolutely yeah um I might suggest something as anexercise and uh this is maybe something that you probably already do but don’tdo it quite as formally as this but as you kind of continue your growth there’s like that here’s do Igrow and potentially outgrow him do I pause and stay here and maybe try tofigure this out put both of those in a column and then on the down column putin three boxes so you’ve got do I basically do I stay here and do I go andthen put in the pros and cons of those boxes and then in each so there’s two columns with three boxesdown what is God doing to me is the firstquestion what is God doing for me is a second question and what is God doingthrough me is the third question and then fill out every one of the boxes sostay in my current relationship what is God doing to me like thissucks right but what is God doing for me with this relationship maybe there’ssomething there I don’t know and then what is God doing through me there couldbe a whole bunch of stuff that comes up there but then go to the other sidecoming to this point of going to divorce like why would God put me on the edge of this thing it’s almost like a I feellike I’m I feel like I’m Abraham being told to take Isaac up into the mountains and sacrifice you know like why wouldGod do this to me right you know but what is God doing for me and through meas a result of this wrestle that I’m having yeah and uh that might just besomething that if you have it staring back at you it might feel or look differently than what you’re currentlyexperiencing as as you’re talking I I just had this happen in my meditation this morning actually where I wasthinking about like how paradoxical let’s just say the New Testament of the Bibleis I was just thinking like in the very same stories Christ can look up at somebodyand say hey he is without this first sin cast you know cast The Who’s without sin cast the first stone in a differentstory he’s going to the Pharisees these leaders of the church and saying you’re a Generation of Vipers Hypocrites youknow he’s turning over the the tables in the temple and yet he he with a sinner who’s just been taken in adultery andhe’s like hey your sins are forgiven you know go your way sin no more it’s likehow how does God in the Bible like it’s such a paradox of justice and mercy likewhen is the right time for the mercy and when is the right time for the Justice because both principles are true yeahand that’s that’s the wrestle that I think you know I’m sitting there thinking about my own life andgoing I get it wrong all the time I I think I get it wrong all the time withmy kids with my clients with but but I also think that that’s part of what myjob is in life is to learn how to be better at knowing theparadoxes yeah and sometimes like the very thing that I think is the wrong thing to do because of how I’ve beentaught is actually The Next Step Into the Wilderness that’s a faithful stepand then there’s other times where I’m told hey stay here and stay the course and I’m like no I don’t want to like thisthis sucks yeah yes it’s it’s hard to it’s hard to find those answers sometimes itis and and I think it’s funny that you that you bring up the Wilderness because I feel like I’ve been in the wilderness for so long right like you know the youknow we talk about often times you know when he um was out there and he wasready wanted to go like when is this coming and it took so long and then finally came and I feel like like Ishould have already felt that joy and happiness because I have gone through the quote unquote Wilderness I mean likeyou want to look at the background of what I’ve done that is really my Wilderness right and here I am now inthat in a state that is not nearly as bad like not even close and yet I stillfeel like I’m there right A lot of the time I still feel that pressure and that anger um and actually yesterday um doyou know Esther at all like the book of M you know well all right so you knowthe the uh gosh I think it’s like 310 it’s when she goes to the king and umthey are he puts out the decree he gives his ring to the guy puts out the decree to kill all the Jews right then Esthercomes it’s like what absolutely not right and then the other decree goes out and there’s like this the switch rightwhere um initially it was this anger towards one set of people then itswitched and then the anger basically was pushed back to the people that started the anger and I feel likeright now I’m kind of that at that in between point where I’m almost like the king where I’m like okay well tell mewhich one to do and I’ll do it right but I don’t know which one is better rightbecause they’re both potentially harmful because people are still going to get hurt either way there’s going to beconsequence yes right and I felt very uh I got lost in that the story a littlebit yesterday because I just felt so many angles right like am I not the person that’s sending out this thisinitial decree saying bad wrong no good right with being dis displeased with my husband but am I not also Esther comingin being like well but he’s got you know so many redeeming qualities right so like why would I push that out againsthim and then you know to God I kind of feel like tell me what one to go for right like what is what is the best forthe people that are involved and you know it’s it’s kind of like you said this rock in the hard hard place thisproverbial Cliff right and and then I I seek God and I I trust him like I’vejumped many Cliffs before right and just you know I I have full faith and I’ve landed every single time safely and Ijust don’t know this time if there is even a point to jump right does that that make sense there’s even a point tojump meaning you a direction oh you don’t know which one isthe right point to jump off of and is I of them the right Point really that’s agreat question yeah yeah well I think you’re I think you’re already on to somecontinued wrestle here I wish I had the answers for you I know that your wrestle with God is your wrestle with God yeahum but I love that that okay you’ve got these two points and what I encourage myclients to do is when they have two points to expand those points to six points so and they they can even beridiculous some of them right you know like okay well we’re going to get we’re going to get divorced but still live inthe same house okay that’s one point um you probably already were like no I’m not doing that but that’s one like comeup with six instead of two because just the brain starting to go like oh it maynot be an either or there might be an alternative here that I haven’t even considered because I’m so locked in on what feels like needs to be right orwrong right um expand it to six or 10 and then relook at it and see ifanything feels different um that’s one way the other the other thought that I had and I don’tknow if this is true for you or not what your relationship was with God but sometimes when I’m really wrestling withthings with God I’m I’m going there and saying please tell me which way to go like which oneI’ve got these two which one is right and then I go for like days or weeks of just what I feel like is abandonment andsilence and often times if I take that back and I say these are the two optionsI’m looking at I’m going to go this direction for now unless you tell meotherwise um sometimes that facilitates new answers pretty quick pretty quickly andthen there’s the third part which I don’t know this one doesn’t sit well with a lot of people but sometimes Ifeel like I’m so stuck on needing a right answer that God’s already given the answer that he’s like I got youeither way yeah there’ll be a different there’ll be a different set of opportunities forlearning and growth and all I care about is you’re learning and growth and makeyour choice and I got you yeah um but if you’re angry at God or feeling abandonedthen it’s hard to trust that that’s the faith part of it yeah it’s Peter it’s Peter walking during the storm on thewater right do you trust me do you trust me and I I that’s a big battle you knowinternally with me right like I often referen when I have start having doubt and I feel that doubt and I’m like am I being Peter right now am I am I am I amI questioning whether I should be walking on this water right and um that that often kind of brings me back tobeing like okay but I know he’s got me right and like that’s why I have that question right because like you knowthis is my father for all intents and purposes because I didn’t have one this is my father this is the person that’sbeen guiding me in the writings and everything and so I trust that the judgment is good clear but I also amangry so then I want to question that judgment right and then like you saidit’s just a matter of writing it down meditating on it picking a direction even and then seeing if there are clearred flags right like absolutely not this was a turn back around now kind of thing so is your is your relationship with Godthe kind where you could go and express that anger oh yeah oh yeah absolutely I Ifeel very uh I mean free I guess is the word to sayto to talk to God about that I’m like I said I have a very intimate relationship with God because of where I come from alot of the times I did not have anybody else it was literally just me and God sothere and you know expressed anger uh frustration and a lot of it again is I’m thankful that I’m here but I’m so madthat right now I feel you know X Y and Z or you know X Y and Z is happening andand a lot of that then relieves internal tension which I appreciate so sure yeah and then those feelings I think wouldhave to be valid being in the spot that you’re in you know again back to Abraham I can imagine him not just walking upthe mountain with Isaac going like I love God he is he’s the best I’m sure hewas like F this like I don’t want to do this like what the heck right you knowum yeah my kid I think it’s pretty I think it’s pretty normal um I know we’re getting short on time Lou have we eventouched on what you were wanting to talk about today has this been helpful at all oh absolutely this is this is actuallygiven me a lot of things one to think about which is I’m great at and then two to actually put into practice right likeyou know when I’m getting frustrated in the moment am I am I using my ability tosee from his side right kind of switching the angle of things and then on top of that I can I need to writedown right the like my issues but then also right like how how am I beinginfluenced by God at each level right like am I bringing meaning is he bringing meaning or is there a purposebehind it so I’m I’m definitely looking forward to being able to do that yeah well awesome you you’ve been awesometoday I would love to you know I don’t know where you’ll be at you know 3 6 months from now but I’d love if you everwant to come back on the show and give us an update on where you’re at in your wrestle that would be awesome absolutelyabsolutely thank you so much I will absolutely tell everyone about you guys I think that you guys have greatconversational pieces that are very you know centered about the whole person I think that a lot of times mental healthis this or that right but spiritual health and mental health oftentimes go hand in hand so to have that ability toreally meditate on both is is huge awesome yeah well thank you for coming on the show you are a gift to so manypeople who are going to be able to listen to this now so thank you hopefully you’ll get some value out of it yourself when you can go back andlisten again and uh anyone who’s listening to this and found some value in it please feel free to share if youknow people who would benefit from it share with them and if you want to throw a shout out to Louise the best way to dothat is through the reviews on whatever you know podcast platform you’re watching so thank you for being hereuntil next time you guys keep on keeping on