I Know My Next Step Forward, But I Can’t Seem To Get Myself To Take It

Intro

I know the next steps but I can’t seem to get myself to do it Brandon how’s it going man oh it’sgood um Super Bowl weekend’s always a good weekendum so my uh my buddy Buck um shout out to Buck uh he throws he’s thrown a SuperBowl party for 30 years and so we call it Buck Bowl um so it was Buck Bowlweekend and we do a golf tournament and watch sports and hang out and yeah soit’s not just a game anymore it’s a whole weekend oh yeah no we go down to St George we golf for three days andthen watch the ball game and I’ve I’ve heard about I’ve heard about the things that buck throws and he goes all out ohbu it’s not just a normal party Buck he loves to uh he loves to smoke meat andlike and he’s he takes care of us like really good really well so um thatthat’s what we did on the weekend and so yeah that’s shout out to Buck he’s the man and just shout out to good friends Igot to say like just being around my my boys and just uh it it just enhances

Stagnation

life so much so oh man what a big deal it was a good weekend yeah yeah yeahwell uh brownon should we jump into it let’s do it all right we got a guest on today Liz is with us Liz it’s been solong that we didn’t even recognize Liz but Liz was actually on the show back in November of2021 so she’s been on this journey for quite a while Liz we’re glad you’re here withus thanks tell us a little bit about what’s going on for you whateverinformation we can be helpful with and then ask your question we’ll jump into it all right um yeah it’s it’s it’s beena while it’s been a long journey um right now I’m at the place wherebehaviors haven’t changed um we’re kind of stuck in the same patternof just the addiction pattern and trying to recover from that and then somethingelse happens a few months later and I’m I’m tired of being on the roller coasterand I I know it’s time for a change I know nothing changes if nothingchanges and I’m ready to do something different I’m ready to separate possibly divorceif I need to and I I know what steps I need to take as far as like where to find aplace or who to contact and I I freeze and I don’t know why I

Fear of Action

freeze and then I don’t do anything because I’m frozen and then time goes by because I’m frozen and it gives myhusband the indication that I’m not actually going to follow through with it and I I feel so stuckwhat uh just what are some of your biggestfears starting off with an easy question I see let’s Dive RightIn um the big one is for my kids I have twosmall boys um how is it going to affectthem um am I able am I going to be able to stay where I live or is my life going todrastically change as far as where we liveum and then the biggest fear is just doing this on my [Music]own I think those fears are very valid um and so on one hand you havethose and on the other hand something’s telling you you’re not you’re not livingin your truth and you’re not moving forward in your life so you’re kind of stuck between thosetwo right yeah yeah it’s the past probably twoyears um he has decided when he doesn’t agreeor drinks too much that he will just say whatever he wants to say and he said some pretty hurtfulthings sometimes in front of the boys and that that’s not okay and that’s really

Personal Hesitation

where it’s hit my limit is I can’t let them think that this isokay how old are the boys seven and four seven and four and is he is he drinkinga lot does he drink often it comes and goes um it’s been an issue for eightyears he knows that it’s been an issue and he’s stopped for a while and startedagain and it’s not in excess like it used to be so there are it is better but he’s nevercompletely stops and after he’s had one he just becomes a differentperson got like we all do so Liz you you’ve I’m sure it’s beenquite a journey for you even just in the last four years since the first time we talked to you how how have you sort ofcome to the conclusion that you know what the next right steps are like what what kinds of things have happened whatkinds of insights have you had what kinds of emotional state are you in that have led you to kind of this place ofknowing what the next steps are even though it’s scary to takethem I’ve kind of kept a journal of things that have happened for thepast four years and I have gone back and looked atit and realized it’s the same stuff like it’s you know it’s there a

Goal Clarity

pattern um my close friend and my family knowsand they’ve all kind of come to me recently and said you know like this isn’t working you know this isn’t goodfor you but the main factor is like I said in front of the kids they’re old enoughnow to start picking up on what’s going on and I don’t I don’t want that forthem at all okay so um so in terms and this is maybea hard one to answer maybe you don’t have an answer for this but I’m kind of wondering what the emotions are that arehelping to drive the decision as well is this something that it’s like I’m exasperated and tired and worn out is itsomething that I’m resentful and angry is it something that I’m overwhelmed is it something that’s more of like a peaceful sort of like dang it this sucksbut this is the right way forward um what’s what is your gut telling youabout all of this it’s it’s all of the above it’s I’m notgoing to take this anymore I’ve I’ve had enough I’m am human and it’s emotionally affecting me I keep getting sick Istruggle with being emotionally available to work and to my kids

Mental Barriers

it’s sometimes a peaceful reg resignation of just this is the pattern and I’m goingto try to make a new one sometimes it’s anger sometimes it’s the mama bear andme coming out and saying don’t you dare do this to my children it’s everything it’s all ofthem all of the time it’s like a big stew of all thoseemotions together yeah do you do you still lovehim yeah he’s a great guy when he wants to be he’s a great dad when he wants tobe I still really like hanging out with him but don’t get that consistently Idon’t know who’s going to show up as and that’s the hard part is like I doreally care for this man that’s what sucks it would be easier if you if you hated him honestlyabsolutely yeah and it’ be easier if he hated me but right now hedoesn’t and he keeps asking me to give him another chance and another and just waitagain and it’s so hard to say no to someone that I love who’s asking me towait well and you’ve waited a long time now you know it’s that it’s that thingwhere at what point even if you love him and and you want him to change at what

Overcoming Doubt

point are you then kind of betraying yourself because you’re waiting and waiting and waiting right exactly yeahum it sounds like you’re to that point where it’s like okay time time to kind of let go of the Rope here and and moveforward and but there’s this other part of you that’s like nope going to hang on just going to hang on um you so the goodnews Liz is that you’re conscious of your stuckness that’s the good news alot of people aren’t even conscious of it the bad news is that’s a that’s an excruciating place to be in yeah whenyou are conscious of it you know um it’s a tough place place to be in and thenext step is stepping into the cave the next step is actualaction um and and like embracing some groundlessnessfor a little while um which is all all of us in many ways hate it we don’t wantto do it um and so the the the question is this is a great question is what’sgoing to get you past that threshold what’s going to get you to to the point where you do make somedecisions that are really scary but you stay steady in those decisions right um yeahso Tyler anything you want to add yeah just maybe something maybe a littleexercise and you’ve probably done versions of this without knowing you’ve done it but being intentional with itmight be a little bit helpful here you you mentioned a couple things I’m just going to reference them again reallyquickly you said your fears are my kids how’s this going to affect them my lifestyle changed how and where are we

Small Steps

going to live how’s that going to affect our life because that there’s a these are these are real questions that havereal consequences to them and then the last one is is can I actually do it on myown and that’s that’s the the fear of the unknown right that’s frozen like the movie Frozen like into the unknown youknow and Tyler can I add can I add one is is the pain and the grief of of the loss of the relationship because shestill loves him right yes thr throw that in there too and the hard part is is that the healthier way of moving throughthis is to actually allow yourself to see him as a human being and love him while still making the decisions butthat makes the decision harder yeah um but it’s that’s the healthier way to navigate it um but I I want to just askyou let’s take any one of those for a minute and just do this exercise with me let’s take uh let’s take lifestylechange I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stay where we live things are going to change what’s it going to looklike um if you were to sit with that and actually go into and towards it likealmost Envision yourself having to go all the way through it like all thechaos that’s there all the fears that are there have to look every single fear in the face and a like imagine it’s allin one big room together and you walk in through one door and you see all of this stuff the fear that you have to navigatewhat could happen the W would have should have could have what possible outcomes there could be and across theroom through all the chaos there is an older wiser version of

Support System

yourself sitting there at a table waiting for you to get there can you imagine yourself noticingall of those fears navigating through the room and then getting yourself to sit down in front of the older wiserversion of yourself at the table yes and then you get to look atthat person in the face and you they have something for you they have a message or a Feeling or some ey contactor something what is it that that older wiser version of you needs and wants youto know that I can have peace that I canhave love withoutcondition can you can you feel the sense of the truth from that future version ofyourself yeah yeah in in a sense that future version of yourself is letting you knowthat besides all the fear and the struggle there’s going to be a payoff and you’re going to be

Celebrate Wins

okay you’re going to be okay um yourkids there will be struggles but there’s a future version of yourself on the other side of that room that’s waitingfor you to to get there and it has a message foryou and if you can find what that message is then you can use that energyto then go and make whatever the next stepis and right now you they’re all smooshed together so it’s like man I don’t know like the the kid thing butthen what if I live in and it’s like holy cow like what if we were to take them one step at a timestart with envisioning yourself working all the way through that and then maybe even asking if there’s some things that

Conclusion

you could do right now to prep yourself for the individual thing you’re lookingat let’s take living for instance is there anything that you could do to help yourself prep yourself for that decisionthat you know you have tomake I have an idea of what this could look likeof what I want the future in regards to where Ilive and how I how that all looks I think the scary part of that isI don’t know how he’s going to respond and on one hand he could say let’s dothis for the benefit of the kids and do it this way on the other hand he could

Final Thoughts

not and make this 20 timesharder yeah yeah and that’s the question is which which side note by the way ifhe if that’s who he is and that’s what he does that’s more reason for you to do it yeah if he’s going to make it 20times harder your decision is absolutely right yeah um where you’re saying well if hedoes that I’m scared so I don’t know if I want to take that step umyeah yeah so take that take that so let’s take the 20 times harder version because that is apossibility does that future version of yourself still look at you and say you’re going to beokay yeah it she looks a little farther away yeah you got you got to navigate afew other things the room’s a little bigger but yeah okay yeah so the room got biggerbut at the end of the day you can navigate through that room to a future self that whatever the life experiencesare that you’re going to have to navigate end with you beingokay yeah yeah Lizum I have a couple things um first off I want to ask you can you do hardthings heck yeah heck yeah okay I like that answer do you have someexamples uh yes last year he had to travel um out of the country for threemonths for work um I single parented for threemonths without him um that was extremely hard that is hardthat’s really hard especially young kids like you like you have I ended up getting sick a lotduring that time so I was trying to take care of myself and them on top of thatso that was hard um that is hardso um I love your answer heck yeah um yeah I mean Liz you you’ve hadtwo kids right there is like the hardest thing yeah I mean come onlike um so you you’ve shown that you can face pain you can go through pain andyou can come out on the other end um there’s there’s a part inside of you a protective part that’s dominating youthat’s making you forget that you have that true self- part in you that ispretty badass and pretty tough and can can step into the hardstuff and what Tyler was doing in many ways was trying to help you invite thatup that part of you um because that part is is kind of stuffed down pretty farhere um yeah you know she’s there you know she’s she’s in you right Liz yeah II actually am a triathlete so I’ve done some pretty crazy races like half IronMan’s and it takes it’s a 7 hour 8 Hour race so you know it’s it’s not easy umwe we could use analogies from that all day long here the weird part is likephysical pain doesn’t I mean it’s physical pain so I can say you know this won’t last it’ll it’ll go away but Lizit’s emotional pain too like it’s sitting in that emotional physic Tyler and I have run races and it’s so muchmore than that like there is a part of you that endures emotionally and physically and I’d say even spirituallywhen you’re in a a tough long race right that those parts of you can come forthwith this as well um you can invite them forward with this and I get it like thismight be 10 times harder than a race but that those parts are inyou it’s kind of interesting Brandon that uh that she’s sitting here sayingI’ve done a half Iron Man but um this thing in front of me is way harder thana half Iron Man yeah and and yet and yet if you look at it like the way the brain’s going to interpret it the brainis actually going to be activated in the same ways that it does when you try to step through the pain of an Iron Man uhit it’s going to recognize the pain it’s going to try to get you to stop and slow down because it’s like whoa whoa whoa if you jump off this Cliff you could hurtyourself that’s the brain doing its job but then you also have this clear part that’s deep down inside the part thatknows it can do an Iron Man the part that’s been through the hell of that before the part that you know Brandon doyou remember when I when I did my first marathon oh I never forget that holy cowyou know it’s like I train and train and train physical part by mile it startedraining like a horrible Marathon too it was like Mile 19 that you had to run upa giant Hill yeah Mile 19 Mile 17 to 19 was like a straight up hill and I brokeme like emotionally Brandon’s talking about all those things that broke me emotionally spiritually I went to the darkest deepest places in my lifeMeanwhile my family like Drives By Me Like cheering me on and I’m like sobbing while it’s raining on him and it’s he’smiserable just like just like the deepest depths of like my own personal hell and then right at the end of theline where there’s like one mile left they’re standing there and Brandon starts doing this slow clap like tryingto like make fun of me but I but all I can do is just like cry and tell them that I love him you knowit snapped me in half you know but but principally speaking what I learned in that in that journey of the training thediscipline the Leaning into the discomfort the waves have you had this Liz in your training have you had likeseen how your body works in waves where you one minute you’re like D I can do like another 20 miles and then like amile later you’re like oh my gosh I am dead yeah but then you know you just keep going and about five minutes lateryou’re right back to like no I got I got 20 miles in me um those principles aretrue principles whether it’s emotional pain or physical pain it’s it’s how you’re built it’s howyou’re wired it’s what your body and brain are going to do it’s what your spirit is going to do and it’s it’sactually wasting your energy to try to stop those waves fromhappening you’re actually causing more suffering for yourself by standing in the holding pattern than you are to puton your shoes and go out start running and and the torment and thetorture is actually going to be self-inflicted when the paralysis is thething that’s in charge you already have the fears you already have the log the logisticalthings that have to be worked out that are going to suck those are going to suck and now you have to beat yourselfup for not doing it and that’s the suffering on top of the suck yeah instead of just saying I’mgoing to well the shirt I’m wearing today is specifically for you Liz here’s a God wink you can see it it say it saysembrace the suck like that’s where you find yourself right now and you’ve gotproof of who you are in the ways that you’ve already lived yourlife the the focus it’s it’s easy for us to say likeit’s easy for us to say Liz that you’re a badass that you can do this that you can step through this that you can getthrough this it’s easy for us to say that um but the truth is is that it’s goingto be uncomfortable um do you have the ability to do thisabsolutely but what I would where I would focus right now if I wereyou is what I see is that what you’re struggling with is trustingyourself um when you bring up these fears and these issues it’s like I don’t know if I can I can do this I don’t knowif I can like will I be stable will can I go through the grief can I and thetruth is is where I would focus is realizing that you are strong that you can get through this and focus on it umhave you ever read uh shell Silverstein’s The Giving Tree do you know what that is yeah hewas one of my favorite authors as a kid yeah so what’s what’s the kind of the gist of The Giving Tree youknow um I’m putting you on the spot here I know it’s been awhile um I can give it to you really fast the the the tree is there and it’sa friend and this this kid comes and rakes the leaves and uses the leaves andthen the kid comes back again and again and every time takes the fruit then takes the branches and uses the branchesfor something eventually chops the trunk down and the tree ends up being just a stump and the tree says I wish this wasa quote from it I wish that I could give you something but I have nothing leftum how how is this applicable to you that’s kind of how I feel in mymarriage is I notice myselfnot not being the supportive wife that I started out being and I don’t haveanything left to give him in that way yeah you’re a stump it’s like and andthe the truth is and you know this and I’m going to say it but you know it it is not good for your children tosee like you you waste it away what is good for your children tosee is a a woman who is a bad a who does step into her truths who grow growsfruit and leaves and all those things regardless of someone else trying to takeit right um and you have the ability to hold strong here and not settlefor take getting taken advantage of um you have that um have you ever read uhyou are a badass by Jen cero I don’t think no I don’t think soyou should check that out it’s a fun read um but it it will will remind you a little bit of like who you actuallyare and it’ll help you call forth those parts of you that can can be strongthrough the painso this I know that we’re going to be fairly short on time because you have a hard stop here in a minute um I justwant to share maybe a couple of thoughts logistically with where you’re currently at your brain is already kind of movinginto the realm of well I’m going to have to figure out housing I’m going to have to figure out quality of life I’m goingto have to figure out how to wrestle with this for my with my kids as there’s a transition if I make this thesechoices that I feel that I feel kind of called to make and that’s why I was asking earlier is the peacefulgrounded part of you that kind of knows the truth is the part that needs to make these decisions because then you canfall back on that when it gets hard um but I would recommend that you take each one of those line items and as best asyou can you create a road map of small steps that could be taken even just toprep you before you make the big decision and if you’re doing that you’re you’re doing what you can which meansthere’s nothing else to worry about except for stepping over the edge and then as you step over the edge if youhave a good team in place people who know what you’re doing who support you to make your own choices to live yourvalues you’re going to have that support and structure that’s going to help hold you in place as you make those decisionsand then get re acclimated it’s like in a certain sense what you’re doing is you know you ever bought a goldfish and youbring it home and you put it in the water to to get the whole temperature to be the same before you just dump the fish in otherwise it kills it that’skind of what you’re going to need when you make the change you’re going to need the that support team you’re going toneed your tools some grounding skills some emotion regulation skills some self-care skills and if you’ll do thatyou will get used to the new water and and then there will come a time where you’re going to look back a yearor two or three or five or 10 and you’re going to go man I’m really glad I madethat choice um I’ve it’s been a while since I’vequoted a poem so I’m going to give you one just oh yeah hey you’re one of the lucky onesLiz that’s something that’s I might have even said it on the first one like five years ago when we talked to you so umbut you’ve heard it before it’s a famous poem but I think this applies to you your situation right now Liz and itsays um it’s by William Ernest Henley and it’s the Invictus poem itsays out of the night that covers me black as the pit from pole to pole I thank whatever Gods may be for myunconquerable soul in the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced or criedaloud under the bludgeonings of chance my head is bloodied but unbowed Beyond this place of Wrath andtears and this is the the line I was thinking of for you beyond this place of Wrath and tears looms but the horror ofthe shade and yet the Menace of the years finds and shall find me unafraid it matters not how straight thegate how charged with punishment the scroll I’m the master of my fate I’m thecaptain of my soul you don’t know what’s outthere but you know that it’s the right thing to do there’s going to be paineither way you might as well take the pain of staying congruent with who youare you know what your truths are what are you thinkingLiz uh I think that’s my problem I think I overthinkit I process and process and process and try to find all the answers and thenI don’t move so I think I just need to move Lizwe met with you almost four years ago and that’s that’s a good amount of time and Tyler and I never tell anybody whenthe time is right to divorce because I believe that’s between you and God but but what I’m feelingfrom you just to reflect it back is I feel like you’ve gotten youranswers like it seems like you’re pretty clear that you’ve gotten your answers and now you have to talk yourself out ofthings um so Tyler and I aren’t going to give you your answers you already gotthem right so then you got to what Tyler was talking about your next little steps and one step at a time to move forwardum each step’s going to be hard um but you are going to you’re going tobe okay I really quickly like I’ve done therapy for um I don’t know how longforever now and um you know that people come in when when massive change ishappening in their life a lot of times it’s divorce and they look at it from the front end and they’re terrified andthey don’t know what’s going to happen what is their life going to be how’s it going to end up and what’s amazing is asI look back on seeing all of these divorces it’s amazing how resilientpeople are and how they can go create better things in their life and justhave awesome things happen when they step into their truth and their integrity and and live there and I’m notsaying you know it’s just going to be rainbows and butterflies moving forward Liz but you don’t know what you don’tknow and you don’t know the good stuff either you don’t like it could be 10times better in terms of your security and all the things that you listed umbut you have to sit in the you don’t know what you don’t know for a minute in order to get themright right so um Liz thank you for coming on again really appreciate you umI hope this was helpful for you in some way it is thank you guys for what you doit’s I always always listen to what you guys have to say well thank you thanks for yourwillingness to put yourself out there and share because what you’re going through is what somebody else is goingthrough too so those of you listening if there’s any meaning in this for you or if you know somebody who would benefitfrom this please feel free to share it with them allow us to be able to reach as many people as we can to try to helpand Liz thanks again and to the rest of you guys keep on keeping on