I’m Afraid my HEALTHY Boundaries will END my Marriage

https://youtube.com/live/dYDnidBZN_c

In this episode, tyler and Brannon talks about the fear many individuals face when establishing boundaries in their relationships. They discuss the importance of healthy boundaries for personal well-being and the potential misunderstandings that can arise when partners feel threatened by these changes. By sharing personal experiences and offering practical advice, the video encourages viewers to communicate openly and navigate the balance between self-care and maintaining a strong partnership.

Transcript (Tap to Toggle)
Introduction
i'm afraid my healthy boundaries will end my marriage Hey Tyler Brandon how's it
going man It's going well How are you Great I'm I'm doing great How was the
birthday The birthday was awesome man Like you kind of you kind of saw some of it
already but it was like it was just a like an amazingly surreal day for me you
know It happened to be my birthday Birthdays have never really been that big of a deal to me compared to like other people in my family but uh it
happened to fall on the same day as my son-in-law and my daughter my oldest daughter graduating and with their
bachelor's degree from college And that was just like it's one of those things where it's like a a a milestone where
you kind of hits you in a weird way like oh wow like life is moving on Yeah And
then on that day they gave me a little gift with like a little card that said
the card was just really nice and it said uh um just wanted to say thank you
for all of the help you provided in our journey so far and as good of a parent as you as you are You're going to make
an even better grandparent And then in the bag there was like a little pair of like you know my shoes I always wear
Healthy Boundaries
those Adidas sambas There's a little baby pair of sambas And I found out this
weekend on my birthday that uh that me and Rianna are going to be grandparents So Gramps
congrats Gramps Maybe that's why I'm growing the beard out right now to make myself look older again because I just felt instantly I just instantly felt old
But man like what a weird what a weird sensation to have that news hit you and
you have all of this happen at once You have flashbacks of a little girl running around playing princess dresses and tea
parties as you do thinking about being a grandparent and how old you are and how
soon your life's coming to an end and then just being so full of gratitude and thrilled at like what this life offers
all at the same time just smashed together and you you've made it man It was it was awesome It was you've you've
made it we with with everything we do we we
never we talk about never actually arriving and that it's always a constant process of growth and experience but uh
man it was a it was a really it was it was an awesome awesome day for me It's
day like that that's like a little bit of payback right for all the hard work and all that So full of just so full of
gratitude you know so much gratitude Yeah Well that's exciting I'm excited
for you and you're going to make a great grandpa though It's It's really weird to think of you as a grandpa So I know I I
actually do feel too young to be a grandpa still So I mean you do have two fake hips and you know I got the hips of
a 65y old man but I'm still Yeah fake teeth It's been a rough life man My My
body has really served its purpose I mean you should have been a grandpa like 15 years ago with the way your body's going but Yeah
Yeah Yeah Well we we'll uh we got to enjoy you while we have you still because who knows how much longer you'll
be living So yeah Um well should we dive into this
Yeah man You're the one who kind of had the question This kind of came up and from just one of your clients or a
friend of yours so we thought we'd hit it because a lot of people probably have the same thoughts Yeah And just just a
Common Fears
mention of my webinar um on May 1st 7 p.m Uh you can go over to
reclaimyouheart.org and register Um I it's all about boundaries I'm going to
dive into everything about boundaries So uh we're not going to do that here on this episode We're going to talk about
an issue with boundaries that we see a lot of times Um but if you want more information about it and to really dive
into it check out my webinar Um so here here's something that happens a lot
Tyler especially with um addiction and recovery and relationships
Um uh addiction's like worst enemy is healthy
relationships and addiction loves to create unhealthy toxic
relationships Addiction also loves to exploit um
opportunities to take advantage of somebody's weakness when it comes to attachment Um if I can um get you to
give up your values um in order to support a bad habit then I will do it I
will do whatever I can to manipulate my way into doing that Not not for the sake of doing that but because it's going to
help me keep like fulfill what I think are my perceived needs at the expense of
consuming your values Right So like an example would be um like you're
uncomfortable that I do this thing Um I do it anyways and you complain about it
but then you don't really do anything about it Um so then I do it again and
you complain again and I don't change anything and then I do it again And you
get it right where that other person is is being asked to just just take it just
kind of shut up take it like you can complain but like and then and then I as
the addict might actually then use that against you and and say "Well you're always nagging me and you're always complaining and you're always negative
and so that justifies me doing whatever I'm doing." Right So it creates this
Importance of Self-Care
dilemma Um the you know one of my favorite sayings is that healthy
boundaries destroy toxic relationships And the dilemma for a lot
of people is them knowing that them knowing that it's true but they're in
fear of the repercussions of the destruction of the relationship Um so they have a toxic
partner who continues to break their boundaries continues to overstep and ask them not to live in
their truths and they're thinking well if I'm honest then bye-bye to my
marriage and how does that affect the kids you know all of the the family and
the finances and the all of that So it's better for me to
swallow my truths and my boundaries than it is for me to
actually actually have those boundaries Um Tyler have you seen this dilemma before Oh man it happens all the time
And it sometimes it happens like it teases itself out sometimes where I'll be working with a say a partner who's
who's been betrayed and they're trying to climb out of the hole And in climbing out of the hole they start learning to
have some grounding for themselves emotionally and then they start taking care of themselves with the daily charge
and uh and then they start to grow in their confidence and then all of a sudden they'll kind of like start it it
almost looks like a form of sabotage but they'll stop taking care of themselves They'll stop doing their dailies They'll
stop working on whatever boundaries they were already starting to set They kind of almost like let things go and then things will come out sideways and
they'll either like start picking up other habits for coping Might be problems with food or there might be
some compulsive like y weight loss type things or there might be anger that
comes out but it's coming out sideways And so there's a blow up over here about some stupid topic you know rather than
what's really bothering them which is that they know they're getting their values stepped over but they they won't have a voice about it Yep And uh and
then they'll come in and you finally tease it out and they're like I I know I already know what's going on Like I I
know that in order for me to move forward I need to do this this or this in my relationship but if I do that it
Misunderstandings
it very well could mean that my relationship is going to come to an end And and then they'll say those things
Brandon they'll say "I got to stay for the kids or I got to do this." And those might be values but they also might be not
actually fully honest It's it's driven from a place of fear not fear of the
unknown Yes And it's it's it's a it's being used as a justification to stay
stuck because I can't confront the fear rather than the truth Yes So it's not
acting in your strength it's acting in your fear And Tyler I've and I'm sure
you too like I've lost um plenty of clients because of this where we're ma
because we're making progress in therapy We're doing well And then the dilemma
comes up and it starts to get kind of uncomfortable for them of I know what
I'm supposed to do I know what my truths are but I just can't I just won't I just can't And then they don't want to even
talk to me because I represent trying to hold hold truth for them and and and
support them I'm actually trying to support them the truth Yeah And they'll isolate from good people who are
supporting them to stay strong to stay boundaried they'll they'll they'll they'll push away from those good people
because they have to stay in that that state of um fear and and um weakness in
order to protect the relationship And if you're in that type
of a relationship if you're listening to this right now long term what that does
to you is it torments you It breaks you down you live in resentment you get
depressed you numb out you like everything Tyler was just talking about
it starts to take your life from you Um and so you got to ask
yourself you know what is my best option here I always believe that living in your truth and fighting for your values
Communicating Needs
and having those boundaries is your best option Um but sometimes it's not the easy option Yeah Just an example of this
Uh not too long ago I had kind of something come up in one of my groups
and it was uh it was a women's group and this one particular participant was
talking about all the ways that she was still being treated in the relationship and the group was kind of like supporting her at the same time They
were kind of saying you you don't deserve that And then I kind of lost it a little bit got a little animated and was just like "You're settling for like
crumbs for table scraps like you know you know just like come on what is and
wake up." I was just like "Come on." Like you were you were so much more worthy of being treated differently than
you're currently being treated right She sat there with it She came back the next
week and was like "I sat on everything that the group said and what you said and you are absolutely right." Like
something clicked inside of me I know that that's true and she started to go home and set new boundaries And those
new boundaries sort of brought this thing to a head where she came in one day to group and she was like "Guys I
today's my last day in group." And we're like "Why Like you're killing it right now." And she said "I know." And that's
the problem Like if I keep going the way that I'm going um my marriage is is over
and I don't want it to be over yet Um and and and it was actually hard
because the place where she was getting the most support was also the place that was kind of being naturally just up in
her face of like I know what I need to do and I'm not ready to do it yet Right And and if she goes and disappears and
pulls back what she's going to do is she's going to go back into the place of a comfort zone to nurture the old
relationship that was breaking everything down And the price that she's going to pay is a little bit of her
self-respect every day until she has nothing left And now she's a slave to an
unhealthy relationship and is a shell of who God designed her to be Yep But there's this
precipice that she comes to where she has to step off the edge and finally go I see clearly Now this isn't like a
knee-jerk reaction It's not an anger bitter thing It's more of like a wow I see the truth of my
Partner Reactions
situation And if I'm going to maintain my self-respect this is my next natural
step And in that process that is the that is the courageous next step that
leads into the wilderness May I give you a scenario I I want your two cents on it
Um so here's the scenario It's kind of a flip scenario a little bit
Um this this guy his his wife is going to a program like like
BTR and it's this just angry unhealthy controlling
uh program right And this guy is is like you know the book No More Mr Nice Guy
like he's like the poster child of it He's going to be on the next edition So
you can imagine you know he's he's he's Mr Nice Guy and she's going to It's It's
not BTR but it's like that Um how do you imagine this this
going She goes to her woman's group She's told how abusive her husband is
and how much she needs to set quote boundaries And the boundaries are that she needs to go him and tell him exactly
how he needs to live his life Yes And and and if he doesn't do exactly
what she says then that means he's being abusive
Is that close Brandon Yeah Sorry You lose your headphones Yeah Um Yeah I mean
I think you've seen it once or twice Um but here's the catch
22 is what needs to happen in this
situation is for both of them to have healthy boundaries And if uh if he doesn't have healthy
boundaries then then she'll continue to spin in unsafety She'll continue to not not know
who he is He's continuing to Mr Nice Guy it So he's manipulating the situation and he's showing up as a liar
Balancing Love
So what he what he needs to do is show up with some good healthy boundaries So
So in her program she has all these things that he he has to do in order to not be an abuser And you know some of
the things are fine and then some of the things are crazy And so I was talking to him and I
was saying and he's like "Yeah I'll pro." He he was kind of throwing his hands in the air saying "I'll probably just do do some of this
stuff." Well um the truth is is that's a big
problem if he does it But here's the catch 22 If he if he
has boundaries around those things then his marriage very well might end It
might So so um like he could preserve his marriage
the way that it is What's the issue here Tyler
What's d what's actually destroying this marriage Well he could preserve but but if he preserves his marriage in this
scenario the way that it is he also preserves not being trustworthy
Yeah So so the relationship has to the relationship still has the currency of a lack of trust The marriage is horrible
Yeah So maybe here's an example Let's make it a concrete example of this Brandon So one of those things let's say
is that um he has had some inappropriate
Real Examples
relationships with other women And so that's part of the thing that's that's breaking them apart And she decides that
in order for in order for him to be in recovery in order for him to love her he's never going to talk to another
woman again other than her Yeah Okay Um and he willingly agrees to that in
order to keep the peace in order to not have the despite working with women at
work And yeah he he pretty much has to change his job So he needs to go work at like you know a steel plant or something
where even there there's probably still a few women he'd bump into but for the most part he would never see any women
right If if he willingly agrees to that there's going to be two things that happen Number one is is that in the back
of her mind she knows that that's actually kind of ridiculous right Like
she's looking for safety but she's trying to create safety by living in the non-reality that 50% of the population
is women and by trying to avoid the trigger that causes the fear
And and so in doing that she she she says "I need you to do this." And then in him accepting it he's not actually
being honest with who he is So he is now plating her in order to stay out of
trouble with her So he's doing it selfishly to avoid the conflict rather than to sustain his own like all sounds
really good for relationships Yeah Yeah So so now he So now he
acquieses and then when he acquieses she feels his weakness and knows that he's trying to extract from her that he's
good enough He starts to resent her Yes But he won't say it out loud And then
that resentment starts to come out sideways And then when he can't actually stick to the actual reality of what he
agreed to then he gets nailed to the wall for being dishonest and being an abuser Yep and he's now not trustworthy
and an abuser and resentful instead of having the conflict of just having to say "Hey you know what I can see you're
in a ton of pain I know that these things have caused a lot of problems and I'm sad and sorry that I've hurt you
that way and I I have to live in a world where I'm going to interact with women I'll do
Tips for Boundaries
it with some new bottom lines but I I'm not going to say yes to that I can't do that." Yep Right and and there she might
freak out she might divorce him she might whatever but but him staying true to to that
value to that principle of honesty um is is his best shot for everybody and
for everything in the long run Yep Um I had a
scenario this uh this is years ago Um but this this wife was demanding that
this guy who ran a business he he had an assistant who basically ran the business who was amazing who was like just
stellar And he had never had any issues with her No problems no lust no nothing
And the wife came along and said "You have to fire her you have to fire her for your recovery If you're going to be
in recovery you need to fire her Um if I'm going to stay married to you you better fire her And so came to came to
therapy and was like I don't know what to do This is so unfair to her She's been working with me for a long time Um
there never been any type of improprieties there Nothing Okay No no issues in the past But the wife just had
an issue specifically with this one woman um about something about the way she looked or whatever And uh so he we
we talked a lot about his boundaries and being honest with her and he went and he fired
her and then like 3 months later his wife divorced him anyways
Right Yeah Do do you see like he he he went and chose the weak path to try to
protect the relationship that was already toxic and the relationship ended anyways
Um so you know sometimes stepping into the truth of
things creates some like it it kicks up the dust It creates some conflict that
conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing in a relationship Um you know if my wife
Seeking Help
came to me and said "Hey Brandon I have a boundary around this thing." Or "I need to talk to you about something This this isn't working for me." She hates if
I leave my towel on the floor for example Um there she has a huge value
about a towel not now We can have all kinds of other crap everywhere but the towel on the floor Hang up the towel
Brandon Yeah Um now she can come to me
honestly vulnerably and authentically and be like "That's not working for me."
Um and let's say I love throwing my towel on the floor Like I value that I
just my favorite thing right So then we both come to the table and we get a good
opportunity to share with each other who we are right And then in that opportunity
we can say "Okay you value this I value that How can we meet each other's
needs?" Like I really do want to to meet your need I care about your boundary but
I also got to be honest with you about who I am and what mine are So like there's probably a way What if I What if
I throw my my towel on the floor over in that one room that you don't care about And she's in the corner of my own
personal closet I just love throwing my towel there Um you know and she's like
"That's great And if you would go out of your way to throw it there I would feel so loved and cared about because you
wouldn't throw it there." And it would show that you'd heard me and that you'd understood my concerns And so then it's
Conclusion
like "Okay we we can absolutely be compatible with our values here and work this out." But we never would have
gotten there ever if both of us didn't come to the table and say "This is I
This is who I am." I think Brandon in the example that you're giving the towel one is a terrible one because you should just put
hang up your towel dude But uh but since we're using that for a minute I actually do hang up my towel Thank you very much
Yeah But what I what I think it is what you're getting at here is is that and this is really important I think for everyone to listen to because we get so
stuck here Most of us do sometimes Um really really what ends up happening
is we get stuck in a power situation in this kind of a scenario where it's like
someone has to win Either the towel is going to get hung up or it's not And then you actually miss the principle
what you just described Brandon which is if both of us see this as a different game where we're coming to understand
one another Now the discussion itself is as important or more important than
whether or not the towel is gonna get hung up because now it's like oh like so we Rihanna and I took these uh tests
called understand myself It's the big five aspect scale that Jordan Peterson does And then it generates like a like a
Viewer Questions
a couple's version of it for you And and it goes through different parts of your personality And one of them just as an
example one of them is is orderliness meaning like you're really
good at keeping things in order and staying organized and how much you value orderliness And uh it's like at a scale
of zero to 100 My orderliness can you guess Brandon Is it Can it be negative
It was almost it was almost negative I was I came I came back at a six out of 100 which means that 90 94 people out of
100 are more orderly and value orderliness more than I do Guess what my wife came back as Yeah She came back she
came back as a 91 So So only eight people are more orderly than her So what
does that do to our relationship It doesn't really work What what it means is is that I've in
our in our relationship we've kind of negotiated that I'm the one who cleans our like master bathroom and I usually of course let it
go a little too long and then she'll usually say something to me and then I'll clean it and then when I clean it I
know what's going to happen because for some reason we had to put the smallest tiles in that catch every single hair
that like you know so I I'll I'll clear the whole thing out I will I vacuum the tiles then I sweep the tiles twice and
then I mop the floor And and after that it's still going to not quite be perfect
because my four doesn't line up with her 91 and and six Your six Yeah six Sorry
Give yourself some credit Thanks Thanks man So but my six doesn't line up with
her 91 naturally even when I think I just killed it I just knocked it out of the park trying to show like hey I I
know how important this is to you it's naturally going to come back as not being good enough And in the past that
would just be like she thinks I don't value her and I think I can never get anything right right But now we can have
that discussion and I can say hey like this is what I did trying to be sensitive and I understand and
acknowledge that even in that there's no way that I was able to get it all perfectly right And then she can come in
and say "I see that you made the effort Thank you." And do you mind if I touch a
couple of things up Right Right And and then I'm like "Oh yeah." Because that's more about her just wanting that rather
than like her thinking that I didn't value her or vice versa But it's the discussion in between that was just as
important towards our intimacy and understanding and connection with each other as it was who's right who's wrong
Right Well and and Tyler the point that you're making is that like if you think
about relationship you don't know somebody unless they're actually
authentic Like you you don't know them And so like if you're just plating or
acting in fear and trying to perform and doing this and doing that you don't know that person
But if you both come to the table with who you are and you're different you're both different but you're honest about
who you are that is being a healthfully boundaried individual in a relationship
I am who I am You are who you are I know where you stop and I begin And you're beautiful and you're wonderful and
you're different than me And we have to figure out how to live together here in
those differences and honor those differences as much as possible Um
that's that's the goal Now if I am coming to the table and saying look I'm
going from weakness and fear into strength and
honesty and my partner is like I hate when you're authentic like don't be Let
me do everything I can to get you off of your rocker there Like let me make sure
that doesn't happen you're in a toxic relationship versus a partner that's
like "Holy freaking crap I love this." Like good Like yeah I might not like
what you're saying Like that's not like but I love that you're saying it I want
you to be you I I really do Um then you're in a healthy relationship where
you're supporting each other's differentiation and supporting each other's authenticity
So coming back to the the sacrificing your boundaries for the relationship
thing what I think what you need really need to look at is what are you so afraid of You need to
face the fear instead of try to force the boundary So you got to go towards your own fear and make peace with it
Yeah Yourself of like okay what is it here Like I know I know I'm feeling resentment I know I'm feeling taken
advantage of I know I'm feeling depressed like okay what fear is there
that's getting me to this place and I got to really take a look at it and I
got to look it in the eye And the fear might be about divorce It might be abandonment rejection Some of your
trauma stuff might come up But it's that stuff that's driving you
staying I call it I'll say well it's not safe You staying stuck right
So um you have to look
within Absolutely
Um you said Brandon earlier and I want maybe to go along with what you're saying here This is maybe a different way of kind of if you find yourself in
this position like if I have healthy boundaries it's going to end my relationship It goes along with what you're you're saying was earlier that
healthy good boundaries will ruin toxic relationships Yeah Um you could also as
a way of trying to understand this and and even help with your own fears about this healthy boundaries will ruin the
toxic relationship but they will also be an invitation for a healthy one And that
might be with the same person Yeah So so when when you come to this place in your
own relationship where you realize that the only real pathway forward for what you want in your relationships is
authenticity then you step in more and more with authenticity And it will break the toxicity of the relationship But it
may be inviting with the same person a new relationship
One where there is more authenticity where there is more understanding where there is more connection and maybe even
a little bit more tension for the sake of the greater good Mhm And so it
doesn't necessarily mean the relationship itself will be over It might be It might be that that's what
happens when there's more authenticity And if it and if that's the case you're
still better off being in your au authenticity than you are living a lie Yep Um but you're also inviting
something new And that's how a lot of people heal here They stay in their relationships and they fight for it but
they do it by be both becoming more authentic and stepping more into their self-respect Tyler there's so much more
to boundaries than what we're talking about And I just want to say like I'm I'm going to really get into that um on
on May 1st Uh to understand what's underneath all of this is really
important So I don't want to let the cat out of the bag right now Um but boundaries are way more than just like
going to your partner and saying don't do that anymore or I'm going to like I'm going
to tell you what works for me and what doesn't Like boundaries are so much more than that So come join me for the
webinar I'd love to have you there
Amen Rand we just got we just got a the reason I was delayed is we just got a a comment over here that just says "Hey
I'm I was trying to schedule a call to come on the show and uh I couldn't schedule a time." It's so funny that It's so funny
that this comment came today because what did we just get done talking about Ren Yeah I was losing my mind earlier
about stuff like this you you were so frustrated because our website like somehow our scheduling got messed up on
the website So people haven't been able to schedule calls with us probably for like two or three weeks and we haven't
known it until just now We're going to fix it and we would love to have guests So please sign up Please I I think we're
going to fix it I hope we need to have boundaries with some people We're you need to get your heart at
peace first Brandon and then you need to have some boundaries Yeah Yeah So So yeah So uh Micah we will we
will have that website up and running So if anybody would like to come on the show and actually be a caller with us we
would love to have you That's therapy.com and you can go over there
and probably hopefully by the time most people are listening to this we will have figured that out and there'll be
available slots to schedule So um yeah thanks for reaching
out on that Well Tyler should we wrap it up Yeah I think so Um any last words Yeah key last
takeaways here is uh basically as scary as it is go towards
your fears to understand yourself Make whatever peace you can with those fears And then the pathway
forward always includes authenticity You'll never feel freedom and peace um
unless you're um living in your truth and integrity
That's the only way to feel peace and freedom And when a relationship comes
around that says you can't live in your integrity you really got to examine that
relationship And I would prioritize living in your truth over a relationship
um any day So all right you guys thanks for listening

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