IS It Fair To Blame Others For MY Pain?

is it fair to blame others for my pain Brandon how you doing man I’m doinggood um what I’ve I saw you a couple times over the weekend it was good seeing you it was nice to see you manyeah whenever I can see any of my siblings it just makes my day so it’s always a nice treat man yeah um it’sjust it’s just fun spending time together you know but uh yeah you’re uhlooks like Survivor your gu’s doing pretty well well he put a big Target on himselfthis uh he put a big Target on himself this week because now everyone’s gonna want to kick him out because he’s just agood dude yeah yeah that’s true but the episode itself was awesome I feel goodabout the guy I picked now because I’d rather have a guy like that than likesomeone who’s the other way yeah yeahlistening we we do this uh we do this Survivor challenge every season where me and my siblings get together and wethrow a little bit of money in the pot for and we each pick a horse in the Survivor season and I’ve I’ve actuallywatched all 47 seasons and I’ve applied before I’ve I’ve submitted a video

Pain & Responsibility

you’ve applied to Survivor oh yeah yeah I was I showed myself cold plunging and running around with my long hair andstuff um but they didn’t buite on it I guess for some reason they didn’t take it I got to try again so I didn’t knowyou were that big of a Super Fan Man oh I love Survivor it’s yeah for years ohmy kids we’ve all watched it together so that game for some reason that game just makes me feel like you can’t be a betterhuman for having gone on it but it sure it sure is entertainingoh I see because it makes you lie and makes you just like yeah it makes you just it presses on all of your valuesyeah there was a there was a show called I’ll tell you this real quick then we’ll get into the content there’s a showcalled Outlast on um Netflix I I’ve seen it and uh EP or the first season it itmade you feel horrible and the second season was like humanity is good yeahlike dang these people are such good people um it yeah it was it they bandedtogether they were loyal they they didn’t make it about money it was amazing so anyways yeah reality showthey can they can bring out the best and the worst in people so um so uh Tylerlet’s get into it here with uh you know is it fair to blame others for my pain um you know another questionis that goes along with this is why should I have to do my healing work whensomeone else has done something to me when it’s not my fault when it’s not myfault um we get this question all the the time and um it’s the let let me giveit an analogy to start if you don’t mind um just last week I was pulling out of my culde-sac and there was a horriblecar accident just right out on the road right here and we happen to know the personand you know it’s not her fault the the wreck wasn’t her fault but now she hasher foot is crushed and she has all this work to do and she went through a massive amount of

External Factors

pain and the truck that hit her uh doesn’t have like can’t do that work interms of physical therapy and healing and it it can’t although the truck hither right so she could sit back and justbe angry just be upset just be at at the at the situationright of of course I mean most people most people would be in fact in fact itwould be normal it’s okay to be spend some time there yes and ultimatelythat’s part of the healing process ultimately wanting that other person topay wanting that other person to fix it doesn’t get itfixed correct exactly I think that’s one of the hardest things that we go throughas human beings sometimes actually is we we have it primed in our brains tolook for and to and we want everything to be balanced and that means the balance including the balance betweenJustice and mercy and if somebody has done something to us you know if somebody has takensomething from us or somebody has stepped over our values in some way or somebody has harmed Us in some way thenatural tendency is for us to want to find Justice right like it’s it’s built into us to want to findJustice um and it’s it’s not really fair it’s not really fair that somebody coulddo something to me and had there not be full Justice and then have it in factand we we’ve been accused of this before Brandon is was the the whole famous linethe famous kind of statement out there right now is that you’re victim blaming now you’re victim blaming now becausebecause if you talk to anybody who’s been wronged by somebody and you suggest any part of account ility for their ownwellbeing to move forward than your victim blaming wh- which is is let’sdifferentiate the two because yes I’ve gotten accused of that in the past andit’s it’s kind of frustrating because when let let’s say a partner who’s been

Accountability

betrayed um let me back up a little bit betrayal is interesting because it’s not like a car accident totally because itfeels a little bit sometimes like the person who betrayed they they did itmindfully and deliberately that’s what it feels for sure and sometimes it’s true it yeah often timesit is the the that still doesn’t change this principle like that and that’s whatkind of sucks is like okay an accident is an accident but you deliberately mindfully made choices that hurt me nowI want you to fix that because you did these things yes but the principle still doesn’t change which is you’re stillresponsible for your own healing uh you know and andand so coming back to the victim blaming thing um and you and I have both beenbeen here before uh is when somebody comes in and they’re they’re in a lot ofemotional um pain and they’re in a place of anger and frustration and they’rethey’re wanting to stay there they’re just wanting to stay there and they’re not wanting to do their own work to toheal and we push them a little bit to look at what is is in their control todo their own work they turn around and they say you’re blaming me now for what happened and I didn’t I didn’t causethis and the fact of the matter is is we are not blaming you no there’s noblame and we know that in order for youto actually heal it’s not fair this is not fair but in order for you toactually heal you have to look yourself in the mirror and say okay what is in mymy control to actually start to go through the process of healing here umso that I can gain something in terms of finding peace um establishing safety andboundaries for myself ultimately finding God more through this experience um versus just staying stuckhere yeah there’s like here’s maybe an example um between the two victimblaming versus like trying to move people into healing um you know you hear this you used to

Blame Consequences

hear this all the time you know like some there’d be something in the news or something there’s a frat party and there’s somebody got raped and theneverybody turns and questions the person who got raped as um well what was whatwas she doing what was she wearing what was this what was that they’re trying to find a reason why it could be her faultbecause they’re looking at it from what something called a just world theory which says if something happens it has to happen for a reason and then ofcourse that is victim blame right that is victim blaming that that is not okaythat is that is complete victim blaming yeah that’s a problem whereas on the other side of it you’re sitting in youroffice with somebody and you see them in complete misery and they’re convinced that the only pathway forward is for theperson who has hurt them to do all of the fixing what they in essence what they’re choosing to say is I can’t getbetter unless this other person who has hurt me gets better too and and uh and then what that doesis it actually has them giving their own power away to be able to move forwardwith their life to do their own healing and and in a certain sense they’re they’re mentally choosing to stay in thetrauma that happened in the past rather than being able to look at their livesand say I don’t have to live here anymore like I can take my power back I don’t have to wait for this person nowif somebody does make that mistake and hurt you and they do their work and they go try to make amends and they saythey’re sorry and they work really hard even though they can’t fully fix it that can help in the process sometimes thatreally can be helpful sure but sometimes you’re not going to get that and and if you don’t get that you don’t have tostay a slave to those hard feelings of pain resentment lack of Justiceeverything else that’s there even though it’s normal to spend some time there even if you get that from yourpartner that your partner is really um remorseful and works hard and triestries to do everything they can for you even if you get that from them you still have the responsibility to do your ownhealing work and and I’ve seen plenty of Partners who have somebody who is isworking recovery and trying to fix it and they still stay in in a really stuck

New Perspectives

place um you know Will Smith thing about fault versus responsibility um you know fault is isaccount accountability is a real thing I believe you do something bad it’s like oh that’s you’re you’re accountable forthat you did that right but responsibility I really love that wordif you break that word down response ability my ability to respond tosomething it might be someone else’s fault it doesn’t take away myresponsibility and my responsibility if I let go of responsibility to do my ownhealing then I’m letting go of my ability to respond to the situation and I amlosing um I I’m losing an opportunity to move forward and to move out of thisbecause I’m letting go of that responsibility right so yes it might be their fault they can be accountable forwhat they’ve done it is still my responsibility yeah and you know in thein the type of work that we do Brandon I think this is something that’s just really hard on both sides from bothbeing betrayed and also being the one who’s done the the betraying a lot oftimes um and I’ve been in this the side of like doing the betraying beforeand it’s a it’s a hard reality to come to to realize that you’ve gone and donesomething and broken certain things that you can’t fix on your own you know some of the things some ofthe damage that you do when you when you hurt your partner is stuff that even ifyou tried you can’t fix it all on your own that’s an interesting perspective from the other side like feel so badthis is my fault I want to clean this up and it’s not fair that I can’t fix thiscompletely it’s it’s like the Humpty Dumpty thing it’s like all the king’s horses and All the King’s Men I can’tput it all back together again even if my heart said I wanted to I can’t doit and a lot of times what ends up happening is is like on from the betrayer side they actually

Self-Reflection

have to come to a place of acceptance that they will do all they can and then surrender the rest to something orsomebody bigger than them because if they keep trying and trying and trying and trying and trying and feeling like it’s all their responsibility all itdoes is fuel more shame back around rather than going I will do everything in my power and then I have to surrenderthat at the end of the day my partner’s heart my partner’s healing is is in thehands of something or somebody bigger than me um and on the flip side the one who’s been betrayed you know I you probablyget this happen a lot but it’s usually after significant time in treatment thepartner who’s been betrayed will come into my office and they’ll say something like man I got a problem like what’syour problem they say well my partner is in full recovery and I know it I’m like oh that’s awesome what’s the problem youknow and what’s the problem and they’re like I’m still miserable it’s like oh Hallelujah let’sgo to work like now you know know that now you can surrender all of that now you can look yourself in the mirror andgo why am I still miserable um it sucks that that you’re there but now but now there’s nobody inthe way of your path to happiness now your partner is no longer in your way because you realize that they can’t doanything else um now now now that accountability even though it sounds gross is actuallythe pathway Pathway to Freedom yeah accountability that Ichoosing to stay where I’m at like I’m not getting I’m not going to get better by watching my partner anymore I’mjustified in my anger I’m justified in waiting for them to fix this I’m justified in all of those things I’mtotally justified it’s valid and I can get validation from therapists and friends and everybody that tells me yeahit’s okay that you’re right where you’re at and it is okay it’s valid but it’s your the outcome yeah it’s your choiceit’s your choice yeah the outcome of that right um and and you know it’s thiswell we’ll call it a dialectic just for your sake Tyler thanks I love dialectics there’s this dialectic hereof your pain can be completely valid and you’re responsib you’re responsible for

Forgiveness

your own healing um both are true at the same time both can be true at the sametime um it’s not cool what’s happened and if you want to get better you got toget to work um and that’s hard to hear um andand right at the get-go Tyler I don’t think that’s the right thing to to likelet the get-go you’re supposed to feel a sense of sadness anger intense emotionsthat are just like uh like this is the worst that’s okay and you don’t need a therapist or or Tyler and Brandon comingaround and being like yep but now you’re responsible for your healing first can you imagine first session Brandonus you just had D-Day yesterday yeah you know it’s like yeah you’re respon you better get to work yeah you know you youdon’t need that then you need a you need a little bit of time to just feel whatever you’refeeling you need some validation you need need some validation in those feelings but after that after youunderstand that it’s okay that you feel what you’re feeling then it’s time to look yourself in the mirror a little bitnow now where do we go and and Tyler I want to ask you if we could kind of shift to to this now when we say do yourown work or go through this process of of healing um what does that mean whatdoes like okay okay I’m open to that I’ll do the work give me the books give me the program give me the what whateverlike what work is there to be done for somebody who’s been betrayed what whatare they responsible for yeah yeah this is this is is perfect place for us to begoing I think you know our listeners are probably wondering this so back to what you said Brandon I’m just going to likemap this out for a second in my own brain and you can feel in the gaps or challenge whatever I say I’m thinking of a betrayed personspouse coming into my office and it seems to follow kind of a typical pattern all right the first one is isthat they’re swimming in their their own brains and their thoughts their emotionstheir emotions are like a big roller coaster and so the first thing that

Healing

seems to be happening is that there needs to be room and space to have all of the emotions that are going on thereso yes it is valid like all the questions that are there all the anger that’s there all the sadness that’s there all the hopelessness that comes upall of that stuff is normal and if you have a safe landing spot to have someonesay I get it like it’s okay you could feel this way like anyone would in yourshoes that allows then for some safety to be established and then you start to plant your feetemotionally and you start to get your head back and you start to be able to think clearly and you start to be able to regulate your emotions a little bitbetter then you start to move into taking your power back so and then when you start to takeyour power back that’s things like doing the things that are inside of your control given the situation which wouldbe things like self-care lots of um like the daily charge that we talk about sometimesgetting really committed to the Daily charge building a really good team thatallows you to have both support and structure and a push for change um submitting yourself to thepractice of mindfulness and then learning to learning to kind of reclaim andunderstand what your values are and then start to set healthy boundaries around your truevalues and inside of that what you do is you start to facilitate change in your life and you start to invite change inthe system that you’re currently in whether that’s going to be to repair the relationship or to release therelationship through the pursuit of your boundaries based on your values uh now you make that sound kindof easy uh in terms of like that’s that’s great there’s a whole otherthere’s a whole other side to it too Brown which is is that through all of that there’s the up and down part of thegrieving process yeah you know there’s there’s going to be waves of emotionthere’s going to be waves of sadness there’s going to be waves of anger there’s going to be waves of bargaining there’s be waves of denial there’s goingto be waves of acceptance and those acceptance they’re going to feel good for a minute but then you’re going to lose it so you’re kind of doing thisgrieving cycle at the same time that you’re trying to like take ownership for your own healing yeah both are both are

Examples

happening simultaneously and and also ownership for your own healing it itrequires you you know it’s like if if you do what you’ve always done you’re going to get what you’ve alwaysgotten and so it requires a lot of Courage um a lot of facing fears inorder to shift some things that you need to shift in your life so like I’ll give you an example let’s say I’m a partnerwho’s very very in quotation marks forgiving like okay I’ll just forgiveokay I’ll be the doormat I’ll I’ll just take it on I’ll just you know whateverum you know when you’ve experienced betrayal then you’re ripe for being walked on by that betrayer and ifthey’re a manipulator and if they’re right like and so in the midst of of thegrieving process of ouch that really hurts now I’m looking at something likewhy have I been a dmat well why why am I so forgiving and I’m using that that good part of part ofmy heart to avoid conflict and difficulty and in a relationship and soas I do my own healing I need to look at that and really understand where that comes from and understand what kind ofprotective parts are there and actually unburden those parts and step into some courage and step into some power andhave some healthy boundaries um you can see the process there like it’s not easyum you you have to start doing things that you had you’ve never done before and this is just one example right yeah well that’s the whatyou’re talking about Brandon is this is as you kind of get your feet planted again and you learn to regulateyour emotions and you kind of start to know that you’re grounded then you start looking at your values and the hard partis is that you’ll start to find that certain values tend to go into conflict with each other over certainsituations yeah right so so what you just described is the the conflict of the value of I need to not be a doormatanymore but I still want to be a forgiving person right now have to now I have to go on a quest to understand what

Wrap-Up

the values are behind those two statements and then figure out what the healthy boundary is to protect bothwhich by the way in that one forgiveness is not weakness forgiveness is not getting walked on over and over againforgiveness a lot of times the pathway to forgiveness is through the right boundary well that’s why I putforgiveness in quotation marks because because you’re absolutely right like you have to have safety you have to havethose boundaries in order to fully surrender and accept what has happenedum that’s just an an example um if I can I give one more example let’s let’s sayI’m a partner who um just shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about the hardstuff so it’s just like I shut down I I won’t go there I right and so thenbetrayal comes along and it’s like okay um if I just shut down and Iswallow this and I just can’t talk about it it’s going to start affecting mymental health it’s going to start affecting my physical health like I’ve got to process some things and I got totalk through some things but that’s the last thing that I know how to do because I I’ve I’ve learned how to cope byshutting down right so then you do your own work that you’re responsible for for your

Your Thoughts

work and you learn how to regulate your emotions you learn how to process your emotions you learn how to be honest youlearn how to be vulnerable and you start to actually getsome of this stuff out now that’s hard to do it’s hard to do and it’s easier tobe angry at your partner and not do that hard work it’s it really is easier tostay there but it but it alleviates the long-term suffering by learning how toactually deal with it and that that’s where and I I say this carefully becauseI know it’s triggering but that’s where the the situation in yourrelationship actually is a blessing to you and calling you up to actuallybecome a more healthy human being um right there’s an opportunity there yeahI um you’re a big fan of this uh Byron Katie the work is coming to mind rightnow Brandon have you ever done like some of the work inside your groups at all orwith any oh people love it and hate it it’s polarizing love it because they know it’s true and they hate it because

Final Words

it’s like so hard and and basically the essence of this is is that you knowByron Katie has something called the work and you can go look it up if you want but but basically at the end of theday you take whatever the situation is like my partner betrayed me and thenthere’s the set of questions that you ask yourself and you know you kind of help try to alleviate your suffering by following the questions but the verylast question isn’t really a question it’s a statement and the statement is I look forward toblank I look forward to being cheated on again I look forward to beingmisunderstood I look forward to being lied to again and according to Byron Katie until you can honestly answer yesto that question your work is not done yeah you hear that like people are youmight have just gone too far but I I understand what you’re saying um but butit sounds crazy like what what what you’re saying sounds and this is why it’s polarizing because ultimately what ByronKatie is doing is she’s she she asks these questions to get down to to yourpower and um what you’re accountable forand like it’s it’s so easy to give that away to to play the victim um and ifyou’ve been victimized like legitly it’s easy to stay stuck there but you stillhave that responsibility you still have that power and that’s what Byron Katie like doesn’t let people out of yeah whatshe’s what she’s really saying and this is like you think about this um from a different angle you know and what whatshe’s actually saying is actually quite powerful that the ability to stay even-minded in pretty much any situation is actually already inside ofeach of us and that I can actually become I could I could become a fairproof not by making my partner not cheat on me but be but by knowing that I havethe resources inside of myself to completely take care of myself and know that I can manage myemotions right so if I so so now all of a sudden the fear and the worry and everything else that would suck if ithappened but I know how to handle it and I can trust myself and and because of that I could suffer less or I’m thinkingof like the whole Victor Frankle story of I was just thinking of that right where he’s in certain situations he’s ina German concentration camp and he’s literally watching people get Beat to Death right next to him and somehowinside of himself he’s able to go to places where he can feel nothing but peace andgratitude well yeah and and it maybe that sounds a little heartless but I I’msure he felt the fear and the pain and those things as well but then he realized okay what do I do with this Iget a I’m a decide he he he says I’m a deciding being um you know he’s he’s aperfect case study because he was in the most extreme situation when it comes to the power ofyou and and what you’re able to create inside yourself and you know he while hewas in there he basically developed a a whole new logo thy modality yeah oftherapy and so he was like kind of using this situation to to understand somethings and to to grow and and he he knew he was in there he knew he was stuck heknew you know there wasn’t anything else he could do and so that was the option that he had um and it would have beeneasy to just be hopeless it would have been easy to just be so angry and youknow um I remember him like there one one uh story that’s coming to mind justthinking about this is you’re in a German concentration camp you get fed like a scoop of like watered down soupevery day barely enough to survive on not really enough to survive on and most people look at it and be like man theseconditions are horrible and he talks about going through the soup line and one day getting an extra pee in thebottom of his soup and just feeling so much gratitude forthat oh man what a gift you know what and he just so happy yeah yeahum yeah the the the beautiful thing is that ourpeace um doesn’t happen externally it happens withinus and pain comes we none of us can avoid that in life pain comes indifferent forms to different people and um we get to choose whetherwe want to get back to that place of peace or not when pain comes into our lifelife and as manipulative or difficult or hard your situation is with yourpartner you get to choose that you still get to choose that and there’s ways foryou there’s beautiful ways and a lot of times people don’t want to hear this butthere are ways for you to get there to do your healing to do your work to getthere regardless of their recoveryamen yeah Brandon so you asked the question earlier and I kind of started talking but I don’t know I gave a really great answer let’s give you a chance toto answer your own question is what does that pathway then look like yeah I I think for everyone it’s aa little different with the same principles so um when when difficultycomes up it it makes things more apparent that there’s glaring thingsthat are like oh I don’t have any friends friends I don’t have a support system why why don’t I have why am I soisolated and so the work is is to become a healthy human being and to be balancedTo Love Yourself to practice self-compassion to fill purpose um todesensitize some of your trauma so that you’re not living in a state of fear all the time and so there’s a process thatwe go through and you mentioned it we first prepare to go through it um wedive deep into the the scary stuff we deal with the demons the the biggestfears the the biggest triggers the trauma um we desensitize that weunburden those parts you get very conscious and get to know yourselfreally really well and learn how to trust yourself and haveconfidence and that’s that’s you you stay in that place for a while and learn how to do that and as you do that youthen start to really step into shifting some things in your life when you havethose boundaries when you show up authentically um when you resonate in aplace of self-acceptance and and love things start to change around you um andand you learn how to do that and you also learn and we were talking about this yesterday in the car um you also learn how toaccept life as it is and know that the work never really ends um but now youbut now you know how to do it and so it’s a beautiful process that you get to go through again and again as as you asyou accept those things so ultimately you you get to this placeof acceptance um and resilience when you sayacceptance you’re also saying acceptance of things as they are right it’s yeahpeople have a hard time with that word where they think acceptance means I’m I’m okay with and I agree witheverything that’s happen to me and that’s not what you’re saying you’re saying acceptance is I’m living in reality which then means my choices aremade more from a place of reality because yeah as they are and anotherlevel to that would be gratitude so it’s like I’m living in reality now I’m starting to feel gratitude for my lifeand for what is Right which means then you can learn to be grateful for a life that is goingto be filled with non-stop potential for growth which means by Nature that’sgoing to would constantly have challenges and struggles yeah um sure sure that’s I youthink of it this way um if I were to give you a big math equation like a acalculus equation or something I forget what those are called I used to do them in college but um you got to solvesomething big right what would you do what do you mean what would I do like if I gave you a big old calcul thing andI was like here figure this out you’d probably be like oh gez like probably type it into chatgbt I don’t know where to start now what if what if there was this nerd that loves math and he was bored and it’slike hey let me give this to you like yes I got something to do heck yeah likehere yeah sweet a challenge a puzzle a puzzle a challenge something that’sgoing to push me and make yeah it’s hard it’s a a math problem right but butthrough doing that math problem I get to grow I get to learn and it’s if you canapproach life that way when when Co rolls around or when your your kid hatesyou for the day or whatever and it’s like oh interesting let’s check this problem outright let’s roll with this let’s let’s learn how to show up healthy through these things that’s the nature ofLife yeah and and the choice to accept that and embrace that already decreasesyour suffering yeah yep it’s it’s the radicalacceptance of the nature of this life and instead of trying to control lifeand not have any problems it’s having Open Arms with the problems as they comeand then having gratitude for the growth that you’re having so this is this is the bigger deeperstuff the process for somebody first feel thepain second get some support and some validation in your pain third own yourown what’s in your control and what you’re responsible for fourth dive deeplike dig down and dive deep and do the hard work on yourself yep where was Ifourth fifth um once you’ve done that it’s almost like rebirth and umstart to start to create life on its terms like start to create what is inyour power and sixth live in a place of acceptance and gratitude and then do itall over again that’s kind of the process that you go through um and there’s a way there’s a way to do all ofthat work um you can work through all of those things depending on where you’re at in thatprocess that’s that’s you know what’s interesting Tyler that it’s the same thing for thebetrayer right it’s the same it’s the same work yeah basically the same thingmany ways yeah a lot of the yeah the action of the betrayer is actually actually hassome of the same kinds of roots which is that shame the shame the trauma yeahyeah absolutely so it’s the same work yeah so Tyler any last things you’d like tosay to no it just I was I’m just having this go through me as you were talking Brandonjust it’s not just about the Betrayal part of it like how different it is like um I’m I’min my 40s I’ve got two hip replacements I spent a lot of my like it could be any situation in life I spent a lot of mytime actually taking pride in my physical abilities and my ability to be athletic and do certain things I wantedto run marathons I wanted to get fast enough to go to Boston and after my first marathon myhips started hurting so bad that I went in the doctor and I had to have hip replacements and both of the doctorsthat I worked with said um we suggest you probably don’t do longdistance running too much anymore on two hipreplacements and I fought and fought and fought and what you were saying isactually the pathway for it is is that instead of fighting the reality of my situationmy life would actually be much better and less suffering and more joy when Ifinally come to a place of acceptance of I now get to see what life is like with two hipreplacements I now get to understand that I’m more than my physical abilities and my athleticism y i now get torealize that I’m a more complete human being than I thought I was yes andthere’s opportunity even inside of something that I wouldn’t choose for myself originallyand coming to that place of acceptance instantly brings more joyright and and it also gives you more Consciousness and power to move forward so now you get to choose where you gofrom there but if you’re stuck in the past and rejecting the reality and fighting against it you’re spending allyour time and energy doing that yeah right raging over something you can’tchange anyway yeah and again we say that in at the RIS Rof you know somebody who’s been betrayed feeling invalidated we get your pain weunderstand it and it and it’s real and it’s okay and um you get you get to choosewhether you want to move through this process or not and get to that place of acceptance ornot all right Tyler nice job yeah um thank you to those of you who arelistening hopefully this is helpful to some and we’d love to hear your feedback or your thoughts on this topicstraighten me and Brandon out if we’re wrong about it and uh until next time you guys keep on keeping on see you