IS My Partner Using THERAPY Against Me?

In this episode, Tyler and Brannon talks about the complex dynamics that can arise when one partner engages in therapy while the other feels left out or manipulated. They discuss common signs that may indicate a partner is using therapeutic insights to gain an unfair advantage in arguments or to control the relationship. The video emphasizes the importance of open communication and mutual understanding in navigating these challenges to foster a healthier partnership.

Transcript (Tap to Toggle)
is my partner using therapy against me Brandon how’s it going man it’s going
well it’s uh it’s our holiday today your holiday it’s our holiday oh oh my
gosh oh D you’re lucky you got a green shirt on
man I don’t know if it’s actually green but it’s maybe the color on the
computer’s off but oh man we have this uh I totally bombed it
Brandon it is St Patrick’s Day today which of course our last name sake is uh
a big big holiday for the Patricks oh yeah you don’t mess around you don’t you don’t mess around on St Patrick’s hey
you still got time don’t don’t you didn’t bomb nothing you still got time we have a we have a tradition somehow at
our house where a tradition that we never should have started but no
no no no I think Mom and Dad started it and it was like kind of thing where like
they somehow lucky the leprechaun would would make a drop at the front door and it would just be a whole thing of like
everything green yeah right like so potato chips and green packaging Apple
Therapy in Relationships
Jacks Pringles I mean you got your you got your like Classics the sour cream
and onion Pringles Apple Jacks yeah those ones were those ones always made an appearance there’ always be some kind
of fruit like a green apple or something in there for the healthy conscious there’s like one little healthy thing and then just sugar like straight junk
cuz that’s what our kids need is another holiday with a ton a load of sugar on the
porch yeah but it’s not us it’s lucky I mean what do we do it’s lucky the lepr hey lucky dropped it yeah like can’t we
can’t help us I mean our last name’s Patrick oh you know what’s so funny
about that too Brandon is is that in our history our name was actually changed so we don’t really have any Irish inoc at
all hey hey I’m claiming it now though we’re third generation we’re third generation
Patrick this is our holiday yeah yeah yeah well I’ll lucky
will make a late appearance today probably even though I’ve got kids that are too old now anyway but uh I’m going
out on the yard today and rolling in the
Clover oh man anyways yeah I left no doubt today I’m green head to toe I’m
not getting pinched I refuse to get pinched good for you man yeah I do have
some shorts my shorts are green so I guess I’m good to go today too your shorts that you wore to work today are
green I always wear shorts to work Brandon green shorts in March or green
good yeah yeah well should we get in yeah yeah man let’s first first we would
just we got another view so we want to read it and then we’ll get into a question that was submitted to Us online here it’ll actually be a really good
discussion today so this one is says just awesome and it says gentlemen I just
want to say thank you so much for your vulnerability your heart and your wisdom and for doing this for everyone in the
world what a Priceless gift you are both doing the Lord’s work in my opinion and with such kindness and wisdom and heart
I love you guys oh could that have been more genuine heartfelt like that’s
really kind freaking awesome thank you thank you for taking the time I know you
Signs of Manipulation
could just go on with your day and for you to have that thought and to turn around and share it um really appreciate
it thank you yeah well Tyler we got a really good complex question that was submitted to
us yeah I think there’s a lot of different directions this could go in and different principles we can talk
about um so should we just dive into the question Let’s Do It um I’ll just I’ll just read this and like you said Brandon
there’s probably five or six different directions we could go so we’ll just pick which one whichever ones feel you
know most pertinent right now okay um so thank you for uh submitting this
question and it says J was nine years ago my husband is just acting out with porn almost daily currently in reclaim
your heart and currently in reclaim your heart and tells me this program and others ARP
Menon I podcast Etc teach him he is worthy of Love without changing a thing
is he weaponizing this against me he says he feels he has made changes knows he needs to make more but isn’t
implementing tools learned from therapy or your podcasts even the obvious ones like replacing numbing out on screens
with healthy habits he tells me he’s entitled to sexual experiences and if I’m not able willing right now and he
doesn’t want to have an affair porn is the only option he’s looking to me for affection and love to help him over this
and his negative feelings but I don’t know how or want to be supportive and loving
anymore if he hasn’t made significant changes after 9 years then is there really any hope addiction there before
we got married strip clubs acting out Etc until now been married 29
years okay um so again that’s a pretty heavy
situation oh yeah heavy situation um sounds like you know sounds like she
doesn’t want divorce um but she will definitely want some change same at the
same time um and and again as we as we break this down Tyler and I don’t have
all the pieces to the puzzle here um we have that this question and first thing
that I would do is start to really dig in and and assess like what’s going on with with them as a couple and what’s
going on with them individually and what’s really happening here cuz a lot of different things could be happening
Misconceptions About Therapy
right oh yeah there’s surely a lot of things happening here I think you know
the fact that this has been a 9-year process and if this is the current
state um there’s likely a couple of things possibly Happening Here one is is
that she is feeling stuck like she doesn’t really want to leave but she sees the writing on the wall that there
there is there’s there’s no recovery happening here um if he’s saying the things that
he’s saying he’s he is starting to to use the things he’s learning as a way of
keeping himself stuck and playing small rather than actually getting into recovery well maybe I mean and and again
like we don’t know what we don’t know like she might be thinking that he’s acting out and he’s
not um but and and so he’s kind of like she she says he’s still acting out with porn almost daily oh okay I mean it’s
seems like he’s acting out if that’s what she’s saying but sometimes I’ve worked with Partners where they think
their their partner is not safe just because they have
sexuality and and and so they want that to be gone in order for them to be a
safe partner and that’s not a reality and so sometimes it’s good for the the
person to say hey like this is who I am like I’m going to be honest with you about that um but if he’s acting out
with porn daily I mean yeah yeah I think I think what’s happening here and this
is actually pretty common and again we’re reading between the lines we don’t know for sure but and this is maybe
something we should do with this Brandon is we should break down some of the principles of truth that we stand by and
what we talk about with recovery and then we should talk about how those get misconstrued or twisted up into into the
forms of denial that keep people stuck okay um that sounds good so so for
instance you know one of the things that we say that that let’s just start with the one you just said Brandon um
something that makes us a little bit different than other programs and things is that other programs are so focused on
sobriety that they work on actually trying to kill like this man’s sexuality so that he won’t be
dangerous right right right and and something that we’re different about is is that we actually believe that
embracing your sexuality as a part of you and then learning to channel it for
good health is is actually the pathway forward we we believe in not shaming and
killing that part it’s essential to actual recovery because recovery
ultimately is recovering an understanding of self and who you are and if you are pretending like your
Importance of Communication
sexuality is not there in order to appease a spouse then you’re manipulating and you’re lying and you’re
undermining recovery and you’re going to constantly feel shame sh and self-rejection that so it’s essential and so like it’s
interesting because what he said that he’s gotten from all these programs reclaim your heart included is that he’s
lovable no matter what and that is true that’s true he’s getting truth from from
that and so that’s awesome now but
Tyler the the thing about that is is we try to use power not force in
recovery when you understand who you really are when you start to gain a sense of Peace within
yourself you you have less of a Need to Escape you have less of a need to numb
out and you have less of a need to avoid you step into reality and what that
means is you get natural sobriety um you don’t get forced
sobriety and so if he has if this acting out is continuing to happen happened to
happen what that’s showing to me is that he might be saying that yes I’m lovable
no matter what but he might not be believing it yeah in fact I would say I would say that it’s probably almost
assuredly that’s the case that’s where it becomes denial is he picked up this thing and it sounded really good and
he’s like oh yeah like I am lovable no matter what yes that is absolutely true
and if you actually believe that then you start to act like you’re lovable which which leads you to do things to
take care of yourself and if you start to take care of yourself you’re going to start moving
away from the things that are harmful to you that aren’t serving you that aren’t that aren’t helping you to your overall
you know goals of who you want to be as a person and so if he’s saying yeah I’m lovable no matter what let’s dial up the
next porn either there’s a either there’s a values issue between the couple where he’s saying porn is me
taking care of myself or he’s lying and he actually doesn’t really believe in his own
Addressing Concerns
lovability and he’s continuing to reinforce the things that will reinforce his unlovability so we need to we need
to break those two down because I I like what you just said because it could be one or the other and let’s talk about
the values issue for a second um if he’s coming to her authentically and saying
porn is blessing my life and I love it and I’m not going to change it it makes me a better man right it makes me a
better man okay now let’s say and she’s coming and saying I can’t have that in
our marriage that’s not going to work for that doesn’t work okay at that point if it’s a values issue then they as a
couple need to say okay what do we do with this yeah like if you are authentically showing up that way then H
then how do we how do we survive in this marriage or how do we end the marriage
so that we can maintain our values and our our principles of whatever right
great that’s that’s one thing what you’re saying the second
option is is there an element and we talked about this on one of on the episode that actually released today is
there an element of denial or manipulation or untruth going on where
he’s saying that I’m okay with this but he’s actually not and there’s a manipulation going on um and if there’s
that going on then it will definitely continue to do damage to the
relationship right yeah and it’s and it’s likely that it’s a manipulation and a denial in himself as much as there is
a manipulation and denial to the relationship with her yeah he’s trying to do mental gymnastics to justify not
having to do the work to make the changes that he actually says he believes in right right and so then that feels
manipulative and it feels really kind of gasy when he starts saying those kind of things right because it’s not it either
doesn’t feel honest or um it feels like it’s like in her question she feels like
it’s being put back on to her that somehow she’s supposed to still be supportive and loving and you know even be sexually available because he’s a
sexual being and he’s he’s entitled to sexual like experiences can I play Devil’s Advocate just a little here and
this is purely to to flush out some Concepts here um so what if
Setting Boundaries
what if like he’s feeling really trapped in the relationship um he’s feeling trapped
emotionally he doesn’t feel like his needs are getting met sexually he doesn’t feel like his his needs are
getting met he just feels trapped and the porn is a way to
is an outlet um the porn is a way to have a little bit of control in his life um and
as over and if she’s overbearing if she’s like coming at him saying you better change that pushes him even more
to be like nope I’m going to cling to this thing because I feel so stuck with
you I feel like there’s nothing else I can do so you know you develop this
system of like oh yeah I’m working recovery but I’m not going to change this Behavior because I’m keeping you at a
distance and telling you that I’m changing but I’m not there’s a right way to handle this
that’s way different than this system yeah if that’s the let’s just say I
don’t this is just I’m making this up I don’t think she’s being overbearing here but let’s say she is and but if he’s
feeling that way but feeling that way is or not right if he’s feeling that way the the truth is is that the buck still
stops with him like do mean what do you mean he’s
well he’s not living with Integrity so so he’s so he’s going he’s going about trying to F fulfill his
needs but he’s still he’s still living in a form of denial we call comp clients which is that he’s going around
Mutual Support
pretending to do something to keep her off his back but he really doesn’t want to do that or let go of the thing
because it’s his baby it’s his support it’s his precious but he won’t go with and with the integrity and say hey we
got a problem I’m afraid of you and I don’t know how to handle your response to me because it feels whatever crushing
to me or scary to me or I might lose you I feel inadequate whatever else and so what he does in Sayad like okay okay
yeah I’ll do all of that and then he’s like no she’s off my back okay I’ll do whatever I want now that there’s no
Integrity in that right that’s what I was trying to get to is like yeah
there’s a you could say there’s a reason if you’re if he’s in that victim mode and he’s pushing against her with acting
out or whatever we could say yeah there’s a reason like who and I’m not saying she’s horrible but if if like he
feels that way like yeah you feel like she’s horrible and she won’t change and you’re stuck and all these
things at the same time I I love I love what you said the buck stops with him what that means is yeah it’s a lot
easier to set up a system of unconscious coping where you’re you’re not actually
dealing with the problem you’re trying to manipulate the situation versus no matter how difficult it might
be getting back in alignment with your integrity and showing up honestly and saying look this is not
working for me and we need to deal with this we however hard whatever friction
this is going to cause or whatever consequences there’s there there are going to be I’m going to face those
consequences so that we can actually deal with this and I’m going to be honest with you about how I feel and
where I’m at and what I need you want to you want to watch a marriage slowly disintegrate over the course of 10 or 15
years get one or two people who just won’t quite be honest with each other
and then somehow they just fell out of love after 10 or 15 years when in
reality they never actually stepped in with Integrity in the first place yeah and they didn’t take the opportunity to
iron it out man it it hurts me so bad to watch this happen so often where you see so many marriages that that actually
could not only have survived but have flourished if both Partners would have lived this way and instead in order to
avoid hurting feelings or avoid avoid being exposed they just feed themelves a
Seeking Help Together
slow drip of poison over the next 15 or 20 years and then have nothing left and
don’t know how they got there and spend your life doing that it would have been better to blow it up
15 years earlier and not live in that hell yeah and and and in blowing it up
15 years earlier maybe navigate it and figure it out well yeah blowing it up means yeah the you know the cards go in
the air and we’ll see where they land um but uh it doesn’t just mean the marriage
is over um but it is what we mean by
blow it up is like we’re having a real come to Jesus
and it is honest reality like here this is where we’re at you know it’s
interesting Tyler we’re talking about him and and this scenario I made up um
about him instead of acting out passively in order to get his needs met
to be honest and open but her too like this question I I hear a lot of like
basically like I’m sick and tired of the years dday dday was N9 years
ago right and she’s being asked again and again to just like let your truths
go and live with me the way that it is let this go and survive in this marriage
right and at what point does she stop betraying herself and step into this is how I feel
and the here’s here’s what my truths are yeah and and are not going to work for me so we need to we need to rigate this
somehow yeah yeah absolutely um Brandon there’s another
Personal Stories
piece of this that I think you know just kind of going along with pieces of truth that then get turned into denial
sometimes or misunderstood um she talks about uh and we we we touched on this briefly but she
said he tells me he is entitled to sexual experiences and if I’m not willing right now he doesn’t want to
have an affair porn is the only option um and and then she says let’s
see yeah yeah he’s looking to me for affection and love to help him get over his negative feelings but I don’t know how to be supportive anymore so so one
of the true principles that I think we talk about is is that the embracing of your sexuality is a necessary thing we
mentioned that earlier um I hear some twisting going on here where his
perception of self-acceptance with being a sexual being is entitlement to sexual
experience yeah and and I don’t I I don’t purport that actually like I I
believe that healthy sexual experience includes certain other conditions that make it healthy and he needs to look
himself in the mirror a little bit and ask himself what his relationship with his sexuality is and whether or not it’s
actually going to work for him with his beliefs about it yeah I think uh I think it’s important to kind of split this
hair of what you just said because I totally I agree with you um he is a
sexual being and embracing his sexuality is very important and that doesn’t mean that
he’s entitled to sexual experiences so both can exist at the same time right I’m not I’m not entitled
to se that that word entitlement is just like you’re not entitled to
anything um and God made you as a sexual being so it’s important for you to to
own that and therein Li is that piece of like I can own myself as a sexual being
but I can also sit in the discomfort of of
not acting out or not getting that fulfillment like I can actually manage
that I’m okay with that that shows a strong masculinity now Tyler it there is
some truth to let’s say that you know I was working with a couple they had had sex in 20
Conclusion
years and at some there’s not entitlement but at some point you can
and we talked about this a few episodes back at some point you need to address look sexuality is important to me I’m
not entitled to your body in any way not I’m not entitled to having sex with you in any way and this is an important part
of a healthy relationship so let’s address that and work toward that
together right that’s way different than I’m entitled to sex and you’re not giving it to me so I’m acting out with
porn yeah so I’m going to undermine I’m going to undermine actually creating trust and
safety with you well and that’s and that’s where you have to look at yourself as a sexual being and
understand what you’re going for in terms of how to use your sexuality for the benefit of what what your overall
goals are because if I I talk to most people they’re in this spot and what I
hear in this line that she shares is he’s entitled to sexual experiences and if I’m not willing then the only thing
he can do is look at porn like listen to how helpless and small and weak that is
that is like so Laden with like addictive kinds of ideas of I am
helpless I cannot make my own choices because I have these feelings and my feelings make me do something instead of
being able to go no I have these drives and these drives are so important that I
want to learn how to channel them in ways that can be beneficial to me in in all the best ways possible which would
probably include being with my spouse because I’m in a marriage so instead of going and needing
to get porn to get my rocks off because I can’t handle my feelings I’m going to learn how to manage my feelings and then
I’m going to start looking towards the other conditions that lead to great sex and I’m going to say oh I can show up in
strength I can show up in honesty I can show up in presence I can show up in like building a relationship and showing
respect and kindness and love and inviting her into my
strength and if I’m doing those things and I’m looking myself in the mirror and I’m developing into that kind of a man
that’s going to show up with my side of my sexuality intact in my
relationship then I can work with my spouse towards those things and if not then at a certain point I’m going to
have to make a different Choice yeah I mean I’ve worked with men who have done that and it doesn’t lead
to great sex sometimes right like that they’ve genuinely gone through a a long
process of learning how to be authentic honest safe trustworthy men and they are
and they’re they’re good men but the trauma has been so bad in the past and sometimes it’s the trauma of their
spouse that that they had nothing to do with sometimes it’s just their past trauma that it’s like it’s too much to
overcome and and so I’ve seen I’ve seen guys really be patient with their
partners and work on that and um do different types of Sex Therapy and
things like that to to help with that um and it and I’ve seen guys end up
divorced in a loving way of like look like I’ve like I’ve got to have a
boundary here like this is very important to me right um yes and and and
so but but what we’re talking about right now is so different than what’s
going on in this question yeah exactly yeah like what you’re describing has an element of
self-introspection self-accountability a lot of work a lot of sort of navigating and channeling those energies looking at
your value system and then making choices based off of the reality of your situation versus what’s in this question
is I am a slave to my impulses and because I need to do something and
because I want to I’m doing you a favor by not having an affair so I’m going to go look at porn yeah I because I can’t
help myself I hope this guy goes and listens to our episode we just did about my partner
isn’t giving me enough sex um because that would be really good for him to hear yeah because because what he
doesn’t understand is how he is actually really um like shooting himself in the
foot with the way that he’s approaching this um and then there’s a better and
when you say Brandon shooting himself in the foot it’s not just with his sex with his partner he’s shooting himself in the
foot with the way he’s cultivating his own heart right he’s treating himself as small and weak instead of stepping into
his actual power right but but okay I’m going to play devil’s advocate here but what do
you mean I’m going to group I’m going to I’ve done therapy I you know I’m working on reclaim your heart like what do you
mean I’m not stepping into my power because you’re still a slave to your
feelings and you still have an idea that somehow because you have sexual feelings and you can Embrace that you have sexual
feelings it means you have to act on them and you’re still operating from when we look at like a compulsive
behavior and addiction there’s basically the four beliefs we always talk about the shame belief I am basically bad un
weak unlovable whatever if people really knew me they wouldn’t love me I’m on my
own and in this case sex is my biggest need and he still operating from a place
of sex is my biggest need and he’s actually overplaying a thing life rather
let it be a part of a whole life that he can choose to live that’s fine Tyler I’m going to still be him for just a second
that’s fine okay then what do you want me to do like what I’m going to group
I’m trying I’m in therapy like yeah those beliefs are still there they’re
there I admit it then what do you want me to do Tyler yeah so let’s let’s keep the doing
intact but let’s change the way you’re doing it let’s actually look at yourself and
let’s let’s let’s try to back up and look at principles of humility and
accountability I am humble like I go I’ve gone for a long time yeah but what about your belief system and your heart
man like why are you why are you actually going and what are you trying to accomplish when you go like honestly
when you look yourself in the mirror yeah I mean he wouldn’t say this
but I’m trying to I’m trying to get my wife to see that I’m I’m
good right yeah yeah I’m trying to I’m trying to make my wife feel better about
us but I haven’t really done the Deep work to look into myself and say why am I doing this why does this feel so big
to me is it really serving me what are my values that’s the work he’s got to do
and I love what’s we just got a chat over here from from Skyler that says sometimes being deep in therapy and
group can be a mask we hide behind and that’s what that’s what you’re doing right now bud is you’re
kind of hiding behind the doing of everything without actually putting your heart into it
yep that that’s it Tyler you know as long as he’s over attached to her with his motives um you know like I to
separate that out and really find his heart there’s a reason why we call it reclaim your heart and we we mean it
it’s not like hey come do this crazy amazing program so that then you can
manipulate with it and show people how awesome you are that that is like the opposite the opposite of what we’re
doing in there yep um yeah you know the therapy
thing um whether it’s therapy whether it’s reading a book I remember reading books
when I was a kid Tyler and it was like I’m just trying to read this book so I can tell someone that I read this book
every day every book in high school yeah I can tell a teacher I can
tell you know Dad Dad would have us read so many like I just want and and then I I remember reading a book and I read
like the whole book and I thought to myself right like I read the last page and I
thought what did that even say like what what was that story like I
don’t even know it like what but I read the book yeah yeah you did it yeah and
so like you see the you see the principle here right like I read but I
got nothing out of it I got nothing changed in my life
other than it took my time to read that book right um and that’s what happens a
lot with with therapy I’m going through the motions um with uh an agenda that isn’t
about me healing me that isn’t about me figuring out my deepest wounds and
therefore nothing’s really going to change in fact I’m going to do more damage in my life be as a result of this
manipulation yeah um yeah Brandon we just got another
comment here that kind of goes along with this that would be helpful to speak to um from a EJ it says question what if
my husband wants sex but I still don’t want to do it with him I’m still really hurt a year and a half post dday it’s
not fair to him what do I do that’s a great question I love this question we could
could do a full episode on this um the what I do have an answer
Tyler um this I think we’ve already talked about some of the answer right go
ahead but this this is actually awesome this is a this is a great opportunity for them as a couple um right right here
in this spot to start to to practice some real vulnerable honest authentic
communication um how do we navigate this relationship and navigate our sexuality
and maintain trust and and connection through it all even if we’re not like having physical sex every night um and
so it’s like okay it’s not fair to him then talk through it what what works for
you as a couple what works for you as an individual um be open be honest be
authentic with it and see where that goes I just add to that Brandon that
even just in the question that was submitted here the self-awareness of realizing I of myself am not ready to
lean in in certain ways yet because I’m still hurting and I’m still working and I’m still navigating things there would
have to be another side of this which is I sense and feel that there’s shifting and changing in him too and if that’s
happening I’m realizing that I would if I if I if I was in the right spot I would want to lean in I’m just not ready
yet um so now what what she’s got here is I get a chance to go and be honest
and empathetic at the same time hey this is this is where I’m at
this is what I’m seeing I’m really grateful for the work that you’re doing and my heart is still not quite there
yet please be patient with me I see you I know this is hard in some ways I would
say a year and a half is typically like you’re you know fairly normal yeah I’d
say that’s pretty normal and I don’t think you’re being necessarily unfair but you can go and say I realize that
this must be hard for you but and and if you’re if you’re going and saying please be patient with me then that means that
you’re committing to self-reflect and say okay what what do I need to work on
what do I need to let go of If he if he’s showing signs of recovery like actual real shifts and signs of
recovery um and and a lot of times the partner is like well I why should I have to work on me and and this is the part
where we get stuck a lot of times but it doesn’t sound like EJ is this type of person um where it’s like okay like what
do what do I need to let go of what therapy do I need to do what energy work do I need to do what daily self-care do
I need to do um what uh trauma wound do I need to heal and so that I can be a
more um like connected intimate partner um I
worked with a couple years ago and um it was awesome because I worked with them a
little bit didn’t see them for a while and she came in like three years later and she’s like my husband’s awesome like
he’s amazing he’s like just working recovery and he’s just so grounded and just a good man and I don’t want to have
sex with him and she’s like and I want to figure this out I want to like I I want to
figure out why I can’t let this go um and we did some pretty like amazing EMDR
sessions I think we did like three or four and just that alone changed
everything for her um everything shifted so but she was willing to look at herself do her own tra and a lot of the
trauma that came up in those EMDR sessions had nothing to do with him like zero her all kinds of stuff about her
dad and came up and like all kinds of stuff um but she was able to let go a little
bit and um step into a trusting relationship so so yeah communication
together understanding the process um being willing to do your own individual
work and then being willing to to let go and surrender some
things yeah I I would say just with the caveat again Brandon that you know this
question question from EJ sounds like it’s a different kind of situation than the question we started with today and
if your partner or husband was in the stage of I have to have sex in order to
be okay and I’m entitled to it we’re talking about two very opposite don’t lean yourself in there very opposite
situations yeah yeah that’s because because you want to lean in as things start to feel safe secure respectful you
know so if that’s the situation you’re seeing you’re manant okay my partner’s working hard and I’m just not quite there yet meet yourself with Grace and
compassion first be honest and empathetic in your relationship with your husband and then continue to
cultivate your own heart in whatever your heart needs for the continued journey of healing and it’ll take care
of itself if you if you’ll kind of follow those things yeah um and and and and you know
when you say when you go ask for them to be patient with you like be patient with
yourself and and um honor yourself through the process of your own healing
when you do that you’re more likely to then want to be vulnerable and connect with with someone else um what you don’t
want to do is be forced and nudged into something that you don’t want to do
which will then just push you back further with your own recovery that’s right you want to make
sure you’re staying with your own values um and you kind of will sense
like even even taking the courage to take the next step forward it’s got a different energy to it you’ll still have
some fear trepidation but you’ll kind of know it’s the right step forward rather than just like always operating from a
place of shut down fear walls up you know that kind of stuff right right um
again two very different questions yeah
um yeah what if I’m never ready I like his friendship and who he is my body doesn’t feel any energy with him yeah
and again this we we could do a whole other episode on this I would say maybe
you need to do some of your own individual work with your body and sexuality and figuring that out for you
just to awaken it I I would guess that your sexuality is there it’s it’s in you it’s somewhere but it might be buried
under a lot of things from betrayal trauma to trauma to busyness with the
kids kids or whatever it is right core beliefs yeah core beliefs and for you to
stop and say look I’m going to make this a priority to discover myself and my sexuality and who I am um and then that
will hopefully awaken something inside of you to want to connect with a partner and uh maybe not but it might take a
little bit of work to get out from under all those things yeah and I and I maybe
just also say that it’s very very common I you know Brown and I I’m sure you run into this a lot that after some kind of
big broken trust or betrayal a lot of times one or partner or the other will say I don’t think I can ever be
attracted to this person again I don’t know if I can ever love them again I don’t know and and what I would say to
that is that might be the case um but but you’re not really going to know
until you do the work to reclaim your power and climb out of the hole you’re in and that buys time you know I I mean
if I would have gone like two weeks or two months or three three or four months after my own D-Day with my wife she she
thought she could never love me again or never be attracted to me again but over time and with a lot of work on both
sides um I think she’s probably more attracted to me now than she’s ever been which is weird because I’m getting older
but um oh dude you’re hot man yeah yeah so you know that that is a
possibility that you know just because it’s feeling this way right now with continued work it may stay that way and
if it does you’ll make your choices and if it doesn’t and but it’ll also have the potential to change when the
conditions change because attraction is connected to lots of other things besides just the physical yeah and and then there is that
something that’s really hard is when you just are not attracted to your partner and then you have to navigate that you
got to figure that out and work on that so it’s not just about your own sexuality but it is like hey like what
do we do to try to Kindle something find some attraction and work on that which can be really hard and it’s I it’s good
to work with a therapist on that um Tyler I think you know all your recovery work and everything you know it helped
with your you know your wife’s attraction to you but I think it was your the work you got done on your teeth
that did it hey shout out to cousin Jeff on that again he’s did me a huge solid on that
yeah so it’s funny Brandon just a quick story on that it’s so funny um we had uh
we had some friends over that my wife works with from her work they went they came over and we played games and had dinner a couple weeks ago and then and
then they were back at work with like all the clients my wife works at a rehab center and the clients were like oh you went up to her name’s violet or Rihanna
but we went up to Violet’s house this weekend oh like what was her family like and uh and one of the other workers said
yeah you know just a prototypical thing they have they seem to have everything her husband has like way too white of a
smile and like I’m like and and the funny thing is
is on a video like this they like pop they’re likeing so yeah um but no yeah I I just
I know we’re out of time Brandon but I want to come back to the question because we talked I got really pretty heated towards the husband in this but
the question was coming from a wife and maybe just Brandon any last words for
her in the situation that she’s in right now well I would would just reiterate
what we said at the very beginning some of the stuff that I’ve said or Tyler has said has maybe been triggering or you
felt misunderstood or and and the truth is is like I we’re not misunderstanding
you we’re just we don’t have all the information and so we’ve tried to talk about principles all around that
question and just kind of shotgun approach it in order to figure out and and help with what’s going on um and so
please don’t take personal any of our feedback we’ve just tried to pull out principles with it the thing that I
would say is to for you to for you to really check in with yourself and um and I say this all the
time but start to work in interdependent recovery um you know step into your own
personal power move forward regardless of his lack of moving forward um he
might kick and scream and amp things up and make it even more difficult and when I say move forward that doesn’t mean get
more controlling more fear-based more no it means you start loving yourself live
your values you start showing up authentic you have those healthy boundaries um you you take care of
yourself and he’s either going to love you and choose you or he’s not and if he doesn’t that that’s his bad but you want
to get in that place of like I’m I’m good I’m lovable I’m moving forward um
and and surrender his recovery over and make it about you right now she she
asked the question after nine years is there really any hope and my answer to
that is there is always hope I don’t know if there’s hope in a marriage being
reconciled unless there’s changes there but there’s hope for you absolutely know the outcome because whatever you do when
you work on reclaiming your own heart and living from your own power and finding your own peace you will make the
right decisions that will lead to a life of Vibrance and happiness um I don’t
know what the outcomes will be but there is absolutely hope for you so thank you for the question thank you to those of
you who threw in some chat in the chat today we love that and we love having you here with us um and until next time
keep on keeping on