We’ve had a disconnection in our relationship for a long time: What do we do?

In this episode, Tyler and Brannon talks about the ongoing disconnection in their relationship, emphasizing the importance of open communication and vulnerability. They explore practical steps to reconnect, such as actively listening to each other’s feelings and setting aside quality time for meaningful conversations. Ultimately, the video encourages viewers to take proactive measures to rebuild their bond and strengthen their relationship.

Transcript (Tap to Toggle)
we’ve had a disconnection in our relationship for a long time what do we
do Brandon you’re living a good life yeah that’s right um just at the
happiest place on Earth that’s great man I’m glad that you
still kind of follow through with those old traditions Yeah well yeah I’m not a huge
Disney guy but my daughter really wanted to come so we’re here and she had a blast and she spent time with her cousin
and it it was it was awesome it was great but man uh Disney World knows how
to drain your pocketbook and drain your energy I got blisters all over my feet I
got in like 20 2,000 steps a day for the last three days hey that’s a good
workout yeah but it’s a you know you stand in a lot of lines it’s it’s and uh
you have a blast yeah so yeah well I’m I’m glad you had a good time man I gotta
say Epcot man I I I almost skipped it because I was like ah I’ve heard that’s the best part I loved it it was awesome
so yeah it’s good stuff good for you yeah well you’re talking to us from a hotel room so hopefully your sound stays
Recognizing Disconnection
pretty good um but yeah let’s let’s jump into it we’ve got a couple of guests on a couple here with us we’ve got Maran
Dustin thank you guys for the courage to come on thanks for being here with us um
why don’t you guys just introduce yourselves tell a little bit of your background and then ask your question we’ll get
going okay um I’m Maryanne um we’ve been married
for 30 years been together probably 33 or so um it’s
um it’s been a it’s been a a long time of kind of disconnection um I have kind
of a complicated um passed um with some sexual abuse um
and all that kind of has kind of added to some of the issues that we’ve been having as a
couple um a few years ago I kind of really got
serious about going you know I’ve been therapy on and off throughout my life about two and a half years ago or so I
started really getting serious um with therapy and watching podcasts and
reading the books and doing all the Articles to really kind of work through some of the things that I was going through personally as well as in our
marriage and what I was feeling and that’s when I first kind of heard the whole term betrayal trauma and it hit me
like a ton of bricks and this first time I ever really felt like it fit what I was had been experiencing in our
marriage um I actually moved out of the house um
last um July um but the job that I had
the organization closed so I had you know I moved back in just for financial
reasons and now I feel like I I really do need to move back out
um I’m really kind of struggling to not be agitated and and
um kind of shut down emotionally
Importance of Communication
um I’m Dustin um man so I didn’t even realize it was going to
be on this podcast today um R I were talking and then she
she invited me so um yeah you know it’s been a disconnect
like that and it’s been a disconnect emotionally and um kind of just um swap
follow it and just you know hold it in kind of a deal that’s how we’ve kind of functioned I think in the last you know
May 15 years you know we kind of poured all ourselves into our children we’re empty nesters now
um and uh I I I think that you know the things that are in my life that are that
um I’ve done stuff are um coming to roost and and I’m having to deal with
them um part Maran started doing the the counseling two years ago she told me
what she was doing and stuff and I’ve I wouldn’t say I’ve fought it um i’ I’ve
um I’ve tried to I I I ignored it you know um I I I told myself I’m I’m I’m
gonna do the counseling and then you know something comes up and I make an
excuse for it I have a men’s bible study that we meet and um I have I have talked
to them and um kind of shared some deep things with them regarding you know our
relationship and stuff and I had some accountability there um but I you know
I’ve not gone after any type of um counseling so I think that’s a real frustration for her um and I know it is
some things I had to come to terms with before I could even feel like I could go to counseling you know um that kind of
all hit ahead I think last this last week and and I I had come I expressed
some stuff that had happened and stuff and uh and um but I felt like I had to do that before I could make another step
so that’s where I’m kind of at D does that make sense to you guys I mean are you saying that you kind of came out
Identifying Issues
with some things that that you needed to before c yeah for sure for my own good
and and and for the and for the relationship I think we both want to be
closer and intimate and that’s the hope and the goal but there’s like a a vast Grand Canyon
to get there and um you
know how how many kids do you guys have three they’re all adult the youngest one
is 20 I have to do math 23 23 yeah and
the oldest is 28 nice um and H how do
the kids like how’s your relationship with them I think both of us have pretty
strong relationships with all three kids he’s especially close with our son um we
have one son two daughters um but yeah so so as parents it’s been that’s worked
well for you guys oh yeah parenting connecting with the kids but together
it’s always been a struggle sounds like yeah we um I
think when and we I feel like we were young and dumb when we got married there was a lot that was going on and it was a
lot that kind of wasn’t working but I I think I really felt
like I really felt that we could kind of work through I felt like he you know like he was into me like I was his well
he was all about me um and that gave me some
kind of hope and kind of some um security I guess which wasn’t really
fair not you know kind of look at the way I looked at it then um and it was
probably I don’t know maybe 10 or 11 years into our
marriage um that um actually a couple years into my our marriage he let me
know that he struggled with porn addiction had a porn addiction and at that point he he
Safe Space for Talks
started the Wild at Heart um study with some people at church and I even though it really kind of devastated me because
I know that was something like in my family history that would really caused issues I was like well he you know he’s
handling it I you know we’ll just kind of keep kind of going and then like 10
or 11 years into our marriage um is when I just found some emails where kind of the first time I noticed
that there was something kind of going on and um
that was I never really thought that would happen and I thought okay this is happened I confronted him we’re going to
counseling this is going to be that thing that kind of you know we’re going to Rally he’s going to be like forget
her it’ll be all about me um and that didn’t really happen
um I didn’t realize the extent to kind of what was really I guess I think going
on I didn’t see it kind of for what it really was
um and then you know kind of um I don’t
remember how much lat there have been a couple thing where I’ve just kind of stumbled across things
um and then there was like there was an in like after
I think about it’s been about 15 years ago there was a a person that I worked with that was showing me kind of
attention and I fell for it the Temptation and flirted
back and I did not I mean it seems silly to say I did not think that he was interested in
anything else but he was and when it turned out to be really bad because I
when I tried to get out of the situation it he was not really allowing me to kind of uh say
no and to leave um and when
um that just it was several years later before I told Dustin about that and it
Active Listening
did not go well at all um and then there have been so that’s
been kind of another Point that’s kind of coming into play now how how did that
relationship end Maran um the administration at
the um CAU when so he was actually he’s
also moved into a different role so we were not around each other but after
that also the administration found out about it um and he was let go and I was moved to
a different location he was doing with several people so
oh yeah doing it too yes um and then
um it was at that point I really start I kind of did more kind of therapy look into myself kind of why I
would kind of put myself in that situation and I felt like I made some
good strides into kind of putting some things kind of mentally in place to kind
of to make make sure that I am you know just protecting myself and my marriage
and all that um and then there so there in the there are several more inst that things popped
up where I would recognize things on social media that um Dustin
was just you know more more than just kind of looking at other women but
like having actual you know emotional relationships with
them [Music] um and it I kind of just got to the point where I just told myself so I
wouldn’t keep experiencing this shock and the nausea and the up upset like
it’s probably just always going on and I think when I kind of made that really decision that’s when that really just
like I did not want to be connected it didn’t feel like being connected I just didn’t it didn’t feel safe it felt like
every time he would even hug me or pay attention to me I’m like you’re probably
Quality Time
also doing this with some you know giving attention to some other woman at the same time you’re doing this to me
because I know that it happened in the past and that’s kind of been a thing that was kind of in my head for a while and it got to
the point where I was just like I don’t I almost felt like relationships weren’t
really real that I want to see people walking around I’m like they’re just being they’re diluted like there’s
that’s just not a real thing and that sex is just something that it’s for men and they just use women for
it um thankfully kind of through um some of
the work that I was doing just actually through podcasts and through therapy
I’ve then I’ve actually actually don’t believe that anymore and
I feel like um I’ve made Str stdes to kind of think
and understand what a healthy relationship and a healthy sex sexual relationship is and realizing that what
I felt was really missing was that kind of trust that real intimacy um and I so I don’t feel
comfortable really connecting with him until that trust is
there wow sounds like you guys have traveled quite a road quite a quite a path over the last several de decades
Rebuilding Trust
yeah some real big up and downs some Lots sounds like some significant traumatic things from for both of you
guys actually um it’s it’s amazing that you guys are
sitting here in the same room talking to us right now the funny thing is we’re we’re best friends I mean we talked
about it that’s a hard thing to kind of deal with that we enjoy each other I mean
obviously you know the the the history of of what’s happened and stuff but I I do
respect Maryann she is she is um an amazing person and and and always has
been you know um in fact know I think a lot of it was
feeling that I wasn’t worthy of her in a lot of ways you know um I I kind of had
that I don’t know we were talking about that today and it’s kind of a kind of a copout though
you were saying you know that um I don’t know maybe I held held too
much of a and I I almost treat her
like she was a parent almost you know what I mean almost
uh yeah I don’t know I’m getting off subject guess but anyway well uh I mean
Eldridge talks about that right about consuming a woman and using her for for your needs in your wild heart book
versus loving her um but I I just want to say um I want to say something to
each of you one Dustin you being here as courageous just showing up today just
not knowing what you’re getting yourself into I just want to give you huge props for that and um it it shows that you you
have some some desire to to to make this right um I do want us to be I want that
intimate relationship like I said there but there’s a grand there’s a Grand Canyon there and I’m and I don’t know what the future is I mean so I I I
share I Shar with the guys in my Bible study what’s going on stuff but and and
the hope and that you know they pray for me and stuff but um yeah I I don’t know what the future is and that’s unsettling
Professional Help
you know so that is unsettling um but
you know the future you can definitely shape the future according to the work
that you do today and things can shift and change um that I I wanted to say to
you Maryann it it it seems like you’ve humbly done a lot of work on yourself
and that you’ve gained a lot of Consciousness and awareness of why you are the way you are and what you’re
dealing with and where you’re at um it from from my vantage point it
seems like Dustin you want that intimate Rel relationship you desire that you
would like to figure out how to cross that Grand Canyon um for you Maran I’m wondering is that what you want is is
that where you’re at still do you desire
that I I hope for that okay
um I am not as confident that that will
happen but I’m I I do feel after the two years of where
I felt like and I think there was maybe some kind of Mis communication I thought like two
years ago we kind of had a moment where as like we even talked to the kids about it
like I’m going to be going to counseling working on myself your dad’s going to be
doing the same thing and we’re going to kind of see hopefully things go and I
and since that hasn’t happened in that time like I really do feel like I need to to move out and start you know just
Connection Exercises
kind of being on my own and if you know if
if things start happening where trust is being rebuilt I’m all about it but I’m
not going to stay here and hope that that happens I guess y that’s a that’s a
boundary that’s what we call a healthy boundary so it’s an interesting puzzle that you
guys find yourself in you know Dustin I’m I’m hearing you and it’s like okay
you guys have always not always but for a very long time you’ve had this like Canyon between the two of you guys
emotionally um it started off the way that most relationships start off in the way that you’d expect it to where you
were totally into Maryanne marann felt it she felt like she was the chosen one for you you know but then it started to
kind of fade and whatever reasons caused that fading but underneath the surface it sounds like there were some things
that were going on that actually would naturally have to lead to the fade even
though you think that it’s not affecting it you know and there’s a couple things that you just said here Dustin on your side that that I’m already picking up on
is I came in presenting myself a certain way because I wanted her to be impressed
with me to love me but on the inside I didn’t feel worthy of her I felt like almost like I was tricking her into
being in a relationship with me yeah yeah and and as a result then your
energy doesn’t align with what she thinks she’s getting because now all of a sudden you’re like in this deficient
place of like uhoh soon as she finds out who I am she’s going to leave me and we’re never going to be so then that late leads to other things including
keeping secrets and then that feeling of shame that you feel instead of like con
confronting that and working into a new place of believing that you’re worthy of Love That shame Outlets to other places
that then need to keep more secrets that then lead to you being pulled away emotionally further and further from the
place that you actually want to connect to and you both feel it like that’s that
wall that’s part of the Gap that’s part of the canyon that’s there between the two of you is is and then and then that
erods trust because there’s no authenticity there’s no honesty uh there’s no open disclosure
with each other about certain things until they kind of get found out and then once that trust is eroded the Gap
Sharing Feelings
gets even further apart and that’s what I’m hearing in you Maran right now you’re like that’s that’s where I’m at
right now and being in the same house is almost too overwhelming for me right now I shut down and then I can’t think
clearly and then I can’t make my choices I almost feel like I need more space just to kind of keep my feet planted yes
yes um does that make sense to you guys at all is that close yeah for me yeah how about for you
Dustin I yeah I understand it it it’s a it’s a spiral downwards because because
what happens is her her negative reactions makes me Retreat back into my
whatever you know and it it it it continues
to it affects us both in that way you know I mean I I I become
less guarded I become more guarded about my feelings and stuff but I’m I’m hurt too
so you know I so he what so so the
question is is okay then what like the the reality is is if if there’s shame
that if if it’s the Grand Canyon that Grand Canyon is full of Shame and that’s why it’s like I can’t cross that because
um there’s a correlation between shame and a lack of intimacy it’s just how it is if I hate myself or I don’t
think I’m enough or I’m not going to be open and vulnerable and even and and you
add sex addiction in there and it’s like well now I have sex addiction was which is big- time proof that I’m not lovable
Moving Forward
that I’m not okay and so how do I get rid of the shame if I can’t get rid of
that um and so I’m stuck here on this side of the the canyon um and that the
truth is is you know Dustin I want to ask you you say I haven’t dove into
therapy because there’s been things that I need to disclose or get out first before I do um well that well yeah go
ahead go ahead I saying that’s that kind of happened last week and um I I I’ve
been telling the guys in my Bible said I need to talk about this with Maryann but have being brave enough to do it has
been I’ve I’ve lacked I have not been brave you know I’ve been I’ve been I’ve
been um Dustin more than the things that you’ve done the lack of courage to be
authentic is the thing that’s destroying your relationship do you see that yeah
um and but but that therein we’re getting to the actual problem the what’s the
reason why you’ve struggled to be honest and vulnerable and authentic in the
relationship are you asking I’m say because I have to come to terms with what I’ve with myself I think you know I
mean I’ve been able to just ignore it and thus I don’t have
to Dustin what does that mean come to terms with myself
I never thought I was POS I didn’t okay I never thought I was capable of some
things you know what I mean I I was never never thought I would that I would ever you know cheat on Maryann or and I
I I do not consider you know those things that happened in the past that you know as I
didn’t consider them as as as real things they were things on internet and
stuff that were you know relation reltionship with people that really didn’t even exist I guess in a way and
so I come to terms with the fact that oh no you really are doing this you you
really are you really are doing this you are hurting Maryanne
Conclusion
you know and um but but that’s but Dustin that’s still the things that’s
the things that you’ve done so yeah and what I mean is those things are not okay those things harm right just like
Maryann with what happened with you and I’m sure that caused some stress in the relationship as well right but that’s
not like Dustin for you that’s not the actual issue that’s the
symptom so so you need to come to yes you need to get honest and come to terms with the things that you have done but
we’re still not down to the issue do do you see what I’m saying yeah
yeah but so what yeah is the issue I I
don’t know if I know I mean I I I uh what is what is the thing that prevents
you from sharing in the first place what are you why are you why can
you not bring yourself to utter the words of whatever you feel like you need to utter and another way to ask it is
what are you seeking from those nonvulnerable relationships and what are you ATT I
mean attention um and and why why do you want that go further I don’t feel like I
we I don’t think Maran I mean you know like it says spiral
downwards I don’t think she I don’t think Maran wants
to to be with me in um like in just you
know as as a normal relationship we’re not we’ never been a normal relationship we’ve never been affectionate I mean I
very affectionate person maran’s never been an affectionate person and I don’t know if I’m getting off the
subject or not but what I’m saying is the the lack of attention or
concern has always kind of been there in my opinion you know what I mean which means which which means what about you
yeah what do you what do you want what does that mean what what has that what has that meant when you
haven’t received that what has that meant about you on the inside I’m not loved you know I’m not
I’m not I’m not I’m not um I’m not um she’s no concern about me
no no no [Music] um no um does this go beyond Dustin yeah
we’ll get in with Maryann for here in a minute but I want to ask you does this go beyond Maryanne when you say I’m not
loved that feeling of I’m not loved um like in terms of your trauma as a child
in terms of just how you feel about you and your your life by God even oh I I
feel loved by God I ultimately I think that this tool is what God is using to
get a get me to start submitting to him you know I I I definitely don’t feel
like I so God is fighting you what’s that God is fighting for you you can see
that God is oh yeah yeah God God wants to restore my relationship with him and ultimately that is the most important
thing you know my relationship with God even even more so with Maryanne but this
is the tool that he’s got to that he’s using to get my attention and uh it
sucks yeah I mean
yeah if you put two good people together and two good people that believed that
they were not lovable as they were would that describe your
relationship yeah no so what happens is then the relationship is like well the
relationship’s the issue we can’t get but it’s two good people who don’t ultimately know that they’re
unconditionally loved there’s been trauma there’s been um addiction there’s
been these things that keep reinforcing that I’m broken so much that I can’t fully
be vulnerable and authentic here and so arms length I’ll use the addiction to
keep an arms length I’ll use shutting down I’ll use uh manipulation in terms
of lack of honesty and omission and all those little little tiny things are the
things that are just creating this Gap but the issue is actually not the
relationship Dustin is not MaryAnn’s issue Maran is not Dustin’s
issue you just happen to be the mirror images of your own
issues right what think about this like let’s put it together just with what little bit you’ve shared with us already
Maran You’ said I already had you and you got very emotional when you shared this I have a backstory where I was hurt
sexually growing up that contributed to a belief system that sex is only for men
basically I’m an object and there’s not this deeper level of intim I don’t even know what that means sexually and now
I’m married to a man who has learned to cope with his lack of feeling good enough through nonvulnerable sexual acts
whether that’s pornography or connecting with other women or whatever else what belief does that
reinforce the very belief you’re trying to climb out of and and vice versa she starts pulling away and like shutting
down and like hand like I’m not going to and what does that hit she’s in self- protection mode but Dustin to you that
feels like proof here it is again I’m unlovable like I’m never going to
measure up I’ll never be good enough and now to boot my shame has driven me to a place where I can’t look myself in the
mirror and like what I see because all I see is a guy who did things that I never thought I was capable of
doing so then I’m going to go chase it back down again in maybe in my relationship or maybe in some other way
where I don’t have to be vulnerable but it’s only going to double me down on the shame that I feel
and then we both come to therapy and it’s like man our marriage isn’t working like teach us a couple communication
skills and we’ll be we’ll be good to go and go on our way and it’s like no like
like we can teach you some communication skills which then means you’ll be able to weaponize those things against each
other even better unless the deeper work is taking
place and and here’s the Trap that I think Dustin you’ve been in you get you know and this is classic you’re I so am
so grateful you’re here because you being here is going to be a gift to
to a lot of other men who are listening right now I’ll go to therapy when I’ll
tell my wife when I’ll go as soon as I clean up clean up my side of the street then I’ll go do the work as soon as I’m
not no longer have this problem I don’t have any more secrets then I’ll go tell her everything that I need to tell her but that’s the Trap because the whole
reason you’re not telling her is because the shame is holding you from telling her so you’re never going to do the work
until you jump off the Cliff so to speak and say I’m there’s a quote on my wall back here that says a man without
decision of character can never be said to belong to himself he belongs to whatever can make captive of him and
right now you’re being made captive of all sorts of things because you haven’t looked yourself in the mirror and said I
don’t have a porn problem I have a shame problem I have an Integrity problem I
have a way of like showing up I have an energy problem and that’s why I need to go dive
in and do my work because the fruit of the plant is the acting out the roots of the plant are the shame and the belief
systems about not being lovable does does that make sense
yeah the fear the fear is is that if I go do the work what will I find out I
might find out that all my shame is true and and and I lose my marriage
yeah yeah I’m losing it anyway so I mean
Dustin if you do what you’ve always done you’re G to get what you’ve always gotten and for both of you to just like
you know what let’s just do let’s just go for it like all this facade that
we’re holding up and all this stuff like we might as well go out with a bang and see if it’ll actually work right um do
you see what I’m saying and so I’m going to be a little
um a little uh blunt with you Dustin and I’m doing this out of fighting for you I
promise there’s a difference between you and MaryAnn you both have your shame you
both have your trauma you both have your stuff but what I’m hearing is that she’s repeatedly gone back and tried to do
therapy she’s repeatedly gone back and tried to work on it and there’s some fear that’s kicking your ass that’s
saying yeah I don’t want to go get too vulnerable and I I hate to tell you this
but there is no easy way to fix this you want to fix this you got to go through
the pain you got to go through the discomfort you got to face the beast in the eye like you have to do you’re
trying to do it every other way like well you know I’ll wait until this or you know I’ll go to this men’s group but
I won’t like go all in and get totally vulnerable that like you go all in you
deal with the Beast now marann have you done that I don’t know I I hope so you’ve you’ve had a lot of trauma in
your life right seems like you’ve learned a lot there’s probably work to do still there there’s probably demons
to face still right um but for both of you to be willing to do that is the only
way that you then start showing up as trustworthy people that will really
desire intimacy you’ll want each other to see you because I love me now the
trauma has has helped me understand who I really am now because I’ve done that hard work
right so that’s the only way there’s there and and all the protective parts
and things will come up and say like don’t do with that like don’t don’t go there that’s too scary that’s too hard
um Tyler and I have plenty of modalities and plenty of things and plenty of suggestions of ways you can go into the
belly of of the fire in right into the cave that’s the pathway forward you know
you guys it sounds like you’re uh you’re Christian is that the study um I was just thinking as
Brandon’s talking there’s kind of a a pathway that tends to get followed and it’s not a
very fun one but it seems to be necessary in a lot of cases and I was just thinking about Peter you know
Christ tells Peter hey before the day ends you’re going to deny me three times and Peter’s like no way no way never do
those things and then and then what gets in the way of Peter like why does Peter
actually Christ he’s scared he’s scared life he’s scared he’s scared of
what scared of the Pharisees and he’s scared of uh being hurt I guess killed
or something that’s right that’s that shame is the equivalent emotionally to
the fear Peter felt about his own life and in that moment when he was in fight
ORF flight when he was in trauma he succumbed to to actually being dishonest
and he denied Christ three times and then after he denied Christ what
happened what did he do he ran from the temple I think or yeah and then of
course Jesus restored him when he was he went out he went out what did he do
though he he left and then he went out and he wept bitterly yeah he he wept bitterly he had
to come to himself he had to go I just did those
things oh my gosh like I just did Christ said I would and I did and oh my gosh
and he wept bitterly he had to come to the place same thing happens in the story of the prodigal son he has to go
to the point of eating with the pigs to realize that he comes to himself and says what am I
doing like what my servant my dad’s servants are doing better than I am right now because of my choices that’s
the same thing that happens in the 12 steps you got to come to three questions I have a problem it’s a big problem I’m
responsible and where I think Brandon’s been trying to go is the problem isn’t the porn and the acting out that’s where
the pain is happening the problem is I haven’t come to myself
yet and if I keep hiding and like saying oh therapy is stupid or I shouldn’t
reach out to people or I can’t tell anybody yet like you can’t even get through the first step the bitter
step that’s step has to happen and that’s that’s where courage happens to lie
too and and guess what you maybe you don’t believe it right now but you were
born to be a courageous being that’s part of who your true
identity is at least if you’re a Christian that you have to believe that because you
come to a fallen world where you have to navigate struggles and challenges and come to understand what the atonement of
Christ is really about uh um but we go sit and hide in the corner and then try to be on the
sidelines and then wonder why we didn’t get everything we wanted in this life right I’m
uh what Tyler’s talking about is like my favorite topic let go and let God turn your will in your life over the care of
God this is about faith this isn’t about working harder doing more um you know
manipulating things it’s about letting go in true faith and surrender um Maran
I’m wondering you haven’t talked a bunch and I’m just kind of wondering where you’re at how you’re feeling what’s
going on inside of you
um I I guess I’m still very I still feel very
guarded um there’s a part of that’s really so having listened to basically
your podcast from beginning to end um I’m very thankful for Dustin to hear the
these things from you guys one of the things I appreciate very much is that um
like you are willing to hold everybody’s feet to the fire if they need if they
need it and that um I just appreciate your willingness to
kind of dig deep and go with people where they need to go without like I
don’t know like sometimes people try to be nice about it when that’s not
helpful um what you know kind of telling people what they really need to hear so I’m I’m thankful and grateful that he’s
able to hear that from you from both of you um but but I gotta say Maran and
you’re kind of yeah that was that was a really good way of skirting Brandon’s
question very eloquent it was really nice thank you I
sense doubt I sense something there yeah there’s a there’s an energy coming through the screen at us that there’s
yeah but like yeah okay yeah I
mean I I guess what I’m feeling is this is this is this is this is
great you can say but I still feel like I need to go
like I still feel like I need to to go I I I it would I feel like it will take me
a while before I before this is feel like we are going
toward a Direction Where We could actually reconnect I there’s a and I sometimes I
struggle with not focusing there’s a lot about
things that have happened in the past that I haven’t like that I’ve I’ve worked through with in counseling and
stuff that I haven’t actually talked to Dustin about and but I still feel
like I still hold those things if that makes you know like
should so a lot of those things I think are still kind of piling up as I’m making that decision to leave if that
makes sense like there’s just all these things I don’t even feel like we’re in a position where I can even have those
conversations with him because I don’t I think there’s
a there’s some disconnect in our understanding of the
importance of certain things that I just that I don’t think it’s even worth having in those conversations yeah I’m
hearing that there’s a lack of uh like safety and Trust to to be able to just
fully open up about everything yeah um and you know maryan Tyler’s good but one
little podcast episode doesn’t solve all the problems he’s really good usually he can
pull it off but maybe not today um no the the reality is is is like we’ve kind
of talked about and I know you guys have been at this a long time and stuff but we talked about square one today about
like turning and facing this and saying okay like I’m GNA actually do the right work and then after that there’s a
there’s a process of healing that takes place this isn’t a snap of the fingers
and voila all the demons go away this is a day in and day out humble process of
healing that happens and it and Tyler and I have seen it where when people
humbly work that process it absolutely works and sometimes it ends up in a thriving
marriage and sometimes it ends up in an awesome divorce um but that process absolutely
works and it’s there for the taking if you guys want to move forward in it but
yeah it’s not going to be turn on the switch and all of a sudden like you’re having passionate sex or something that’s not happening right so Maran if
you need to take your space take your space it’s okay to take that space and
you guys can still hold on to hope and say okay we’re working towards
something here like we don’t need to like let it all go yet um and that’s
okay sometimes that’s necessary right so one of the benefits to that
that approach is that you know Maran you can go and look yourself in the mirror
and have whatever moments you need to and work on yourself and part of that is staying grounded as much as you can
meaning emotionally grounded and so if you’re in a space right now where that groundedness you can’t keep it then you
should take more space because you’re going to make better decisions you’re going to be kinder you’re going to be
more able to think clearly and have that a kind of a a peaceful grounded place to make your decisions from rather than a
fearful elevated place um and then as you lean into that if both of you guys
go and do that then the the authenticity
with with which you do it because you’re doing it for yourselves is actually the part that starts to rebuild trust back
into the relationship if that’s going to happen and and as two people do that
work then you look across the street and you’re like oh man like he he’s diving into his like shame stuff and he’s he
went and signed himself up for a group and not that those things are the right thing to do but it’s the heart that says
I’m GNA do whatever it takes I can feel his healthy masculin I can I can feel that I can feel that he’s not doing it
to try to keep me on the hook anymore he’s doing it because he realizes I don’t want to wh weep bitterly again
anymore I got to go figure this out um and by the way Peter became the rock
right he was The Rock but he had to go through that um that’s I think how
trauma shapes us is trauma will shape us if we do our work into something stronger into something better so I
agree with you I think you’re swallowed up a little bit by the fear cycle when you’re too close and you’ve got some resentments that you’re trying to work
through too if you need the space and distance get to the space and distance that you need in order to be planted
emotionally and then start leaning when it looks like the conditions are right and lean out when the conditions are
wrong um that’s totally okay to do that while you do your own
work we’re running we’re running low on time and we’re just scratching the surface here but um Dustin I want to
check in with you just how you feel in how was this for you oh it’s great it’s
great um actually it it gives me a little bit more hope I mean yeah I know
I need to follow through and and start counseling and stuff and I’ve been telling myself that for a long time but
I have to do it so yeah um yeah you know one of the hardest
parts of my job is um seeing two really good people um
who are great friends with each other um have the the shame kick their ass a
little bit and destroy their their families and um you know I don’t know
what’s going to happen with you guys but I I do believe that you can heal this
and that you can Thrive together um if if you want it it’s possible um but
we’re not going to we’re not going to like but we’re going to shoot straight with you it’s it’s a process it’s hard
you have to face your pain you got to do the actual work and you have to surrender um but there there’s a there’s
a beauty in it in that people think they’re doing it for their relationship and what they find is they actually find
peace within themsel and that’s more important than anything so thank you for coming on
today you guys really appreciate you opening up and being vulnerable you help other people by coming on so thank you
yeah thank you I just I thought I was on the property brothers Tyler’s a great designer but
you do not want anything I’ve designed I promise no but yeah I I appreciate you guys both being willing to come on I
would just add one more thing to what Brandon said that the benefit of doing the work on yourself that way while
allowing your partner to choose to or not is is that if it works out for your marriage great that’s the only way you
can actually have the depth you want anyway is two authentic people showing up in their strengths offering that to one another and if it doesn’t work out
because one or the other of you decides that you’re a different person or you don’t want to do that work you’re still
in a better spot than you would have been by not doing the work yeah so you’re playing with house money either
way um so I feel a ton of love for you guys even though I just met you 45
minutes ago um I wish you guys both the very best we’d love to maybe depending on where things go touch base with you
guys you know few months down the road and see where you’re at and what your trajectories are um but thank you for
coming on thank you to our listeners for being here uh we we appreciate you being here if this is impactful please share
it with other people and until next time keep on keeping on thank you

We’ve had a disconnection in our relationship for a long time: What do we do?

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