What’s Holding You Back From MOTIVATION?

what’s holding you back from motivation what’s up Tyler Brandonwhat’s going on man uh we’re doing we’re doing it again here we are again I’mrunning a little bit late today so that’s my bad we’re we’re on episode like45 or something and uh we on on YouTube we got 499 subscribers so who’s goingonto be the 50000 subscriber like this is a big deal we just we just we just movedover to YouTube a few weeks ago this don’t you want to be the 500th subscriber this is your chance to be the500 subscri be it um that would be amazing to do that Ican’t be it because you know I’m a host but I would if I could I think you’ve already subscribed too to your own showactually I think I have so yeah so yeah so that means we need like three more because I don’t count and you don’tcount yeah exactly we got to get to like52 so yeah yeah it’s yeah so anyways Tylerwe uh we could we could use some good guests right yeah we love having you

What is Motivation?

come on the show you can go to therapy brothers. org and sign up to become a guest on the show we do have a guesttoday we’re excited about we love it when we get guests we love talking to real people about real problems um soyeah if you’d like to come on the show therapy brothers. org and then just hit the button that right when you on thehomepage um to ask a question It’ll ask you to either submit a question or to sign up to come on the show we try toget to submitted questions we don’t get there as often as we do to people who just sign up on the show so just sign up and come talk with us yeah and we likewe don’t shy away from any topic and we love all questions so if you want totalk parenting you want to talk addiction you want to talk relationships you want to talk the philosophies oflife and what it’s all about like come on let’s do this yeah so uh I’d love totalk to you so therapy brothers. org go there and you can sign up to be a guest yeah speaking of guestBrown we have Tim with us today you and I both know Tim a little bit love him umbut we’re happy to have you on Tim so uh welcome to the show thank you thank you I’m excited tobe here if you want to give a little background tell us tell us what’s going on with youso it’s been a we it’s been about six months since we’ve seen you fill us in tell us what’s happening what you’restruggling with and ask any questions that you have yeah um so my name’s Tim I uh beenin recovery since been pursuing recovery since uh2019 so it’s it’s been a good while and uh went to the Rising Sun Conferencemen’s Retreat um about six months ago where I met youguys um and yeah yeah I uh felt like that was areally big step for me things were going really well started to to take a lot of Healthy Steps and um yeah recently itfeels a bit like it’s come crashing down um you know I feel like I I kind oflost motivation or got burnt out just like I was going to uh to three

Barriers to Motivation

different groups and um and yeah just have really fallen offwith that kind of dread going sometimes I was uh I was training for a marathon Iwas super motivated in that and then like the last two months before the marathon which was actually last SundayI completed it praise God you did the marathon way to dud did the marathon butI I only got up to like miles in my training and I didn’t train for like the two months before the marathonsoing that’s called [Laughter] tapering um but I’m really glad to notbe running anymore but I feel like it was like a huge driving factor in my life of like something I was runningtowards and now I feel like I’m I’m floating in the void and I needsomething to to get me going again when you when you say you’re floating in the void Tim can you talk alittle bit about like the I guess the difference in what you were feeling maybe four or six months ago versus nowand then what the outcomes in your life are and how they’redifferent yeah yeah Imean I think that’s that’s a pretty hard question for me and I think like it’s a good question because I think that’skind of where the answer lies umI think that uh yeah I justlike kind of recently got out of a breakup got went through a breakupand and I was really motivated to like move on and um I felt like I was on thebrink of of like getting free and like I was going to have a huge breakthrough and then I guess like overtime as I continue to relapse and didn’t have the Breakthrough I thought I was going to have just felt like man I’mjust like right back to where I was and and the shity that I would be free inthe next couple months wasn’t so strong anymore and and I guess I just like lost

Fear of Failure

a little bit of hope that that freedom was was right inreached what are you when you say free what are you like what are you trying to be free from what do what do you mean byfree yeah I mean like I want to pursue wholeness andhealthiness and everything but but specifically when I’m referencing that it’s pornography and masturbation and umyou know that’s kind of what got me into the recovery sphere but as everyone realizes it’s a lot deeper than thanjust pornography and masturbation and you know there’s something in me that that needs tochange gotcha um so so free from those behaviors is is what you want yeah okayhas that been your kind of motivation um in the past is that youyou want to be free of that behavior and so that’s how you’ve gone to the meetings and those type ofthings um yeah for sure I thinkas I started to get serious about my faith I realized it was something that that is inuh in line with with with my beliefs andI needed to stop it and and I couldn’t so realized I needed help and that’s whyI started going to therapy that’s why I started going to to groups and um that’s how I ended up meeting youguys Tyler do you have something yeah I’mjust I’m I’m wondering so you you’ve been working at recovery for how long did you say now Tim six years six yearsokay and inside that six years I imagine you’ve probably had some ups and downs in terms of like if you want to if wewant to use motivation as a meter of like 0 to 10 there’s probably been times when you’ve been up 8 9 10 and there’sprobably been other periods of time when you’ve been down 2 3 1 on zero is that has that been a normal

No Clear Goals

Pro part of the process yeah absolutely andlike part of that I just I’m like okay with you know like I can’t expect to bea 10 all the time and and that expectation you know is is whatconvinces people to give up um you know like think of it like the stock marketis like in in the day day it goes up and down but like in the long term I want tobe trending upward um so yeah sure I’m alsowondering you know you kind of just threw this in here while you were talking but I’m wondering how much Credence there isto being on the upswing and then going through a breakup how much of that breakup was actually how much impact didit actually have on you massive yeah I mean it was reallyreally tough um I don’t know to give to to givea quick intro to that um I thought we’re were G to get married you know it was like a reallyreally I thought it was a really healthy relationship um and we had talked aboutporn um in less detail and then you know as we started getting ready to getengaged you know we had a deeper conversation we met with mytherapist and uh and she just kind of imploded and she was like ready to breakup with me um and yeah our relationship justlike never recovered from that point it like really shocked me because it was like wow I thought I’d like been sohonest with you and like I didn’t think that something like this you knowlike I guess deeper understanding of something I already thought i’ I’ddisclose to you would would lead to our breakup andum yeah so that was really hard and left me with a lot of feelings oflike I can’t be loved for for who I am right now and and I have to change to be

Overwhelm & Procrastination

loved so it kind of drove home a lot of the shame around the issue like alreadyfeeling like I need to stop this Behavior to be okay and then gettinghaving that relationship in that way reinforced that that you’re notokay okay um I want to I want can I do something annoying with you Tim let’s dosomething annoying for a minute I’m I’m warning you that this is annoying to start so I’m not just annoying okay umwe’re going to go we’re gonna we’re gonna do five y’s okay so we’re going tostart with a y and you said well I Want to Be Free like why work your recovery I want to be free from this Behavior guessI I’ll I’ll count that as one for you okay why do you want to be free fromthis Behavior I already know the last why hang on let’s get there though I wasjust talking to my therapist about the other day but let’s go through it why do you want to be free from thisbehavior um because I’ve noticed the destructiveTendencies it carries uh it feel like it distances me from Godokay and and uh we’re commanded notto okay so you’re commanded not to it distances you from God and you know it’sdestructive okay m um so so why does that matter and thatmight sound like a dumb question but why does that matter to you that it distances you from God and it com ityou’re commanded not to um in the god sense you know that’simportant to me just because uh I believethat my great that that God created does and you know he has he has a plan for

Negative Self-Talk

our lives and a certain framework that’s going to bring us the most fulfillment and joy okayso God created us and has a plan and a framework and you believe that if youactually step into that plan in that framework then you’ll you’ll have joyright yeah so so why does stopping pornographylike what why does that get you to that plan and thatframework why does that get me to that plan and that frame Mark I it doesn’tcompletely okay but do you do you really believe that like can you be looking atporn and masturbating and still be connected to God and living in yourpurpose and in the moment or likeeither yeah yeah I mean I well like I definitely think I’m connected to Godall the time um so then why quit the pornbecause it uh well back to the structive Tendencies andthen like you know it’s a spectrum right you know I’m not like disconnectedfrom God but I might feel less connected to God you know I I feel like when I’m when I’m

Environment Matters

numb then that I’m not connecting with God inways when I’m not numb there Tim I’m wondering I know I don’t know how manywhys we’re on right now but tell me you you said you know the last why like it have we gotten there is what is the lastwhy I want to be happy okayum you want to be happy and in order to be happy you need to stop thatbehavior I hope I don’t really know that’s theproblem um Tyler’s told this story many times on the podcast and I I don’t want to stealthe story from Tyler and you could tell it again but he tells a story about how the closest he’s ever felt to God isright after like major stuff and bad acting out and things like that um howdoes like what it kind of that kind of flies in the face of your theory alittle bit here Tim do do you see it like I need to earn it I need to be good enough I need to be righteous enough inorder to be in my purpose in order to be connected to God in order to be lovable by a womanlike yeah that would that does not sound very motivating it’s like go I I better Ibetter force myself to be good enough and prove myself it it ask anybody who’sever been on a diet and is like okay I’m going to force myself not to eat the sugar so that I lose the weight what dothey eventually do they eat sugar again they they eatthe sugar Because deep because underneath all of it they’re still living in this state of Shame selfself-deprecation and constantly failing I failed again see there’s more proofthat I’m not okay more proof that I’m not okay um so it’s really hard tosustain long term with that philosophy underneath it’s it’s a it’s a shame it

Overcoming Barriers

it’s a shame cycle that’s about force and control which which just produces moreshame and you can get motivated for a while and then all of a sudden you’re right kind of where where you’re at nowTim where it’s like well you I’m done doing that so Tyler I brought you up any anythoughts on no yeah I I like where you’re going and it’s weird because I I see some dialectics in this where whatwhat I think you’re saying Tim is is interesting because in I want to be happy that stillhas more discussion to be had then is like like what kind of happy and what ishappyyou got me stumped well you know well that’s that’s your major why how can hehave you st stumped like that’s your major thing right I mean I guess I already have ranthrough this and it’s like you know I I’m like a little bit envious sometimesof people with kids because they have this really deep why of just like I like this innate you know Primal like I haveto provide for my family you know and and then and and itconvinces them to do these really hard things and and I feellike I can make like hard decisions in the short term and the medium term but when it comes to like really having theDeep drive to do these long-term hard things it’s just like who am I doing this for other than myself and if it’snot making me happy right now then then why am I doing it and and then Ijust give up you know I that’s what I’m hearing in youTim and this is where I think Brandon’s going is is that there’s nothing wrong with with doing your best to be yourbest self in fact I think that’s part of what happiness is and success is Brandon’s looking at it though and it’salmost like we could see like just see you like because we saw you snapshot Ithink at The Retreat you actually left on your free time to go for a run because you were so dedicated to yourMarathon at the time yeah right I think I remember watching you leave the house to go for a jog or something because you

Achievable Milestones

were so committed to it right but there was there’s I hope our listeners canhear this there’s two different energies between the two places you’re talking about where the First Energy was whenyou were in that state of motivation that energy was a place of alreadyknowing who you were and what you were capable of and being committed to whatever that cause was and the secondenergy and this makes total sense to me you know we talk about like all the different things that lead to relapseblast like bored lonely hungry angry stress tired you know the one thing that’s the biggest form the biggestfactor for relapse in my practice bigger than any of thoserejected and all of a sudden there’s this place where you think you’re doing everythingright and you have this woman that you think is coming along with you on the path that you are towards doingeverything right and all of a sudden she backs out on you in the midst of what you think is doing the right thing andyou had a massive relapse not into like porn and masturbation that was the porn and masturbation was the result of therelapse into deep shame deep rejection loss of like what actualhappiness is um you know I’m I’m looking at like there’s we can all Define and the reasonI’m asking you is you have to Define this for yourself but like what is happen happiness and what is success and

Positive Mindset

you know who John Wooden is John wooden’s like he’s probably themost famous college basketball coach ever he coached UCLA won a ton of championships he has all these he wasyou know a a professional speaker afterwards his definition of success isthe peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing that you did your best to become thebest that you’re capable of becoming now listen that definition he didn’t say the peace of mind and knowingthat you are the best the peace of mind and having arrived at the top of the mountain the peace of mind which is adirect result of self-satisfaction in knowing that you did your best to become your best that you’re capableof so this is where the dialectic of what brenon is talking about is is if if I’m engaged in doing all of these thingsso that I’m lovable I’m already losing if you’re you’re kind of provingthat you’re unlovable right whereas if I somehow find thesatisfaction the happiness comes in knowing that I’ve committed to a cause and done my best then the outcomes don’teven matter because it’s knowing that I’ve done my best that produces thesatisfaction and the weird thing is is that that actually then starts to produce the results that wewant but it’s coming from an internal energy source and that’s what I think man you’re we’re talking about motivation I think motivation is tied tothis but man I I think I think part of the climb out into your motivation Tim is a real assessment of like your shameand and how do we get you out of yourshame do you do you Tim do you understand the Paradox that Tyler just justoutlined it was a lot of stuff um yes I think so it’s uh go ahead II’ll try to just really dumb it down here um if I try it’s it’s the BDO have thingif if I try to do things to prove to myself that I’m

Support System

okay um I might find some success I might do some things and then it’s like wow I’m you know I’m sober or whatever Imade enough money or whatever it is but long long term if I know that I’ma good husband let’s say let’s say I know I’m a good husband and I fail Imake a mistake I do something but I know deep down that I’m a good husband what am I going to keepdoing the good husbands do I’m gonna show up as a good husband right if Idon’t know that I’m a good husband but I’m trying to prove it to my wife andprove it to to the world that I am and I fail what am I going to where am I going to go how am I going tofeel you’re a bad husband yeah see look see I I’m trying and I keep failing sothen failure is a real thing because I’m trying not to be what I believe that Iam and so this is a hard one because it’s like Tyler says you got to get out of your shame absolutely true you got toshift your your the very perception of self who you actually areare the fact of the matter is is you say I want to be happy the truth is Godneeds you Tim because you’re a freaking rock staryou’re a badass that is going to change the world and you are that already todayright now as sober as you are or unsober or whatever you are as rejected as you were by that girl like that’s who youactually are you don’t believe that so what do we need to do to get you to feelthat know that and step into that you just ran a marathon you just ran 26.2

First Steps

miles training for two months I want to ask you your time because I’d probably be like holy craplike what um but but but look kind of whereyou went with that of like well yeah even my Marathon like I wasn’t that motivated and I you just ran themarathon like just stop there and be like holy crap accomplishment that’s freaking awesome because I’m awesome doyou see the difference in the in the in the perception of Self in theknowing who you actually are so something needs to wake you up something needs to you’ve been living in thesesystems of prove it for so long and I don’t know where you’ve gotten thosesystems I don’t know what trauma you have what experiences you’ve had in your life those things have told you lies butyou believe those lies like they’re they are the way they’re the only way rightso we need to undo those lies we need to get you to to view it differently andstart your day from a place of self-acceptance from a place of love right so okay Ijust went off on that Tim what do you think of that um yeah I think I think it’s good Ithink it’s accurate umyeah I guess I just don’t know how to get there other than just like lying tomyself until I believe it maybe that’s how I getthere well and I think that’s a that’s a telling way of saying that Tim that itkind of indicates where you currently find yourself is I’m lying to myself until I getthere well it’s not actually lying to your yourself it’s just that you refuseto accept the truth so so you could even phrase thatdifferently and you could say I could practice accepting the truth until I getthere I you know it’s like it’s like Tim you wake up in the morning and and I I’ll just ask you this question like howoften do you actually look yourself in the face and in the mirror and just like make eye contact and hold itI don’t know I used to do it a lot I used to have a whole morning Mantra and and

Conclusion

maybe that’s part of the the shift is that I quit doing that well oror maybe the shift happened so you quit doing it maybe you got your you know the windknocked out of you emotionally and so you decided to let it all go because you decided to believe the old lies againthat you worked so hard not to believe over the last six years and that’s the that’s the truth is is Iwould bet that there have been periods of time and it’s probably directly com connected to the motivation we’re talking about where you could lookyourself in the mirror and and you would either look yourself in the mirror and see yourself as a really good guy who’sworking on some problems or you’re going to see yourself as a guy who can’t be trusted who sometimes gets it right oncein a while and I would bet right now you’reliving most of your life in the second energy but I would bet there have beentimes in your life when you’ve been operating from that First Energy how did you how did you getthere and I think there’s definitely been times in my life where other people have given me that that belief and I’mable to hold on to it because if other people believe it then I can believe it you know butthen as soon as as soon as that approval falls through then then there’s nothingbacking me up anymoreum Tim do you do you believe in Jesus yeah then why are you trying toatone for your own sins and and and another question I haveis who’s whose way is force in control in order to be good enough enough is thatJesus say that question again does Jesus use force and control so that you can be good enough is that hisway no what’s Jesus’sway forgiveness and sacrifice yeah well why did hesacrifice because he cared so deeply for us yeah because you to give youunconditional Grace and love um so that you can fall there again and again andagain and hand that to him and stop trying to be perfect and good enoughyourself and and you find peace there you find love there Satan comes in and says you got todo it this way there’s one way force yourself to be good enough and if youforce yourself to be good enough and so so when you say I want to be free fromporn because I want to be righteous what God are you worshiping by forcing yourself to be free fromporn you see what I’m saying yeah yeah I guess Ijust you know it sounds really nice to say out loud and I I just never know how topractically implement it and it just feels like you know like like the popularChristian way to say it let go go let God and you know it’s just like we’re we’re in like Neverland and you know ifwe just put all our trust in God then then all our problems will just floataway but I’ve never experienced anyone who’s just like yeah I was like a I was like a alcoholicand and then I just stopped thinking about it and now I don’t drink anymore Ithink it’s I I think it’s you know let go and let God isn’t about all of your problems going away but it’s when yourproblems come up you can handle them um you’re resilient to theshame your problems don’t turn into suffering because it’s like God has melike God can hold this Christ can Christ’s atonement can take care of thisthis failure that I had and and so it’s this it’s not becomingperfect but there’s this there really is this Catch 22 ofand and and a lot of people get to this place of like I have to I have tocontrol here because if I don’t then I’m just going to go to crap like I’m it’s going to go it’s going to be horrible ifI’m just like okay I’m giving this to God so I got to control this right but there’s this there’s this thing andTyler and I have seen it and and I’ve experienced it in my life and I know Tyler has too where it’s like to trulyturn your will in your life over to the care of God to truly let go and let God all of asudden um like the way you resonate shifts and what you do changes and yourmotivations just become more automatic because you’re operating froma place of already knowing that you’re loved already knowing that you’re accepted so when girlfriend breaks upwith you ouch that hurts there’s grief but it’s like it’s okay I can handle this myrecovery was never based on her anyway this is between me and God and I and I’mclose to God even if I fail right do you see the do you see the shift the thedifference I hear your skepticism I hear you’re like yeah but so why quitporn well well I think I think what’s interesting about that is that you probably already have the answer to thatand you actually probably gave the answer without realizing it earlier a little bit Tim is that yeah go go aheadBrandon well I I I hated his answer well I actually I actually think but but butI think that these are the things that are hard to to sift through because what you’re saying Brandon there’s still sometruth in this it’s just that they get put in a different order right so yeah so if I learn tosurrender to a god that I believe in who operates solely from a place of lovethat God still has you know that God is perfect perfect in all things it’s perfect in love perfect in boundariesperfect in everything um if I and this is where I think this is where I think theresistance I feel from you Tim is is if I actually fully surrender to thatGod number one I don’t know I it’s a faith thing because I don’t know if I’m actually going to receive the love thatI’m promised um so there’s a faith thing and a scary thing stepping over the edgejust going into the cave just in that relationship with a higher power and then if I receive that Grace and thatlove if I truly actually receive the grace and the love I will be motivatedby that love to do the very things some of the very things that I’ve been trying to do in order to get the love but it’llbe coming from an inside out kind of a place I will wake up in the morning and go man I already know that I’m loved andand all of a sudden I’m going to make a choice not to go look out porn or masturbate because the love that Ifeel makes me want to pursue thosedecisions and so and so that’s the hard part is is the continue faith of wrestling with a higher power and andsurrendering and this is what I think Brandon’s getting at for you Tim surrendering the need to control yourworthiness the need to control your value as a human being the need to control your lovablenessif you could surrender that on a regular basis there would Pro there willprobably be a period of time where there’ll be this void this emptiness this Darkness whatever but Brandon and Iboth are convicted that there will also be you know from a Christian perspectivethere will be the Savior there willing and ready to receive you as soon as you’ll allow as soon as you’ll allowthat reception you have to let go to doit what are you thinking Tim he wants to punch Us in the face right now I can see it in his eyesno um so I’m not pursuing freedom fromporn I’m pursuing consistent knowledge that I’mloved oh I L that’s way better um I’m I’m pursu you could youcould just dwindle it down to I’m pursuing God and just feeling that love with God right like that’s the first andforemost thing that I’m doing um every day and and also and and what Iwould say Tim is I’m going to go deal with the demons I’m going to deal with some of the trauma some of the thingsthat are in the way and and creating these uh belief systems that I’m in thatcontribute to the continual shame um so I’m going to go deal with those demons and I’m going to I’m goingto let them off the hook and um then I’m going to step in into just knowing thatI’m loved and then we’ll see where things go from there maybe you’ll rage out in porn whenyou’re loved you know let’s let that go likeyou already know the answer to that though Tim like you won’tyeah something I picked up when when I was running uh just I used to listen to uhon the Nike Club app they have like guided runs and you would always say like if you could have done better thanyou would have if you could have then he would have so there’s no reason to live in thein the should have becausebecause yeah whether it’s it’s you know people always say when they relapse like a I just I didn’t get put up much of afight and that’s just like a lie from the enemy because MH because if you could have then youwould have you know you’re you’re you’re sharing that you want to be free so if you could have been free you would haveso it’s more of a you know changing in the future and accepting yourself nowyeah yeah that’s it Tim um we’re running low on time Tim anyother questions for us thoughtsum no no I appreciate you guys I guess I’m cured now yeah you did it we did ittoday awesome okay yeah if if that’s what youdecide hope I can see you guys in Utah soon be awesome we love to see you againTim you’re a good man um that’s these are these kinds of calls are hard for mesometimes because because we get to talk to people who arejust genuinely good hearted people and that that comes off of youTim you got a good heart you got a good Soul you got a desire to do to do goodthings and the reason why the calls are hard is because both Brandon and I couldspend the next hour trying to convince you how amazing you are and unfortunately you’re the onestanding at the prison cell door with the key and uh and it’s it just feels sad to methat you can’t embrace all of the goodness that that just naturally oozes from you so I want but but you can but I Ithink you can and that’s where I think the belief system is like when he again there was really Stark to me when you’re like I guess I just lie to myself to nono I guess I do what Brandon did and I actually go into that belief and ask where did that form and why does that feel true and does it have to be trueand maybe that is the actual will lie and maybe I need reinforcement of something that’s new something that’strue something that would lead me to want to do the things because I knew I was loved rather than need to do thosethings in order to be loved nobody likes being chased by their value everyoneperforms better when they already know their value so you’re a good man Tim I’m proudto know you I love you love you too Tyler yeahall right you guys um Tim thanks for coming on if this has been helpful toanybody um please share it um hop over on YouTube become our 500 500thsubscriber leave a comment and until next time keep on keepingon that was a that was a crazy accent you picked up there at the end