Why are you getting what you are getting in life?

In this episode, Tyler and Brannon talks about the concept of personal responsibility and the impact of mindset on life outcomes. They emphasize that our thoughts, beliefs, and actions shape our experiences, suggesting that self-reflection and awareness are crucial for change. By understanding the connection between our internal state and external results, viewers are encouraged to take proactive steps toward achieving their desired life.

Transcript (Tap to Toggle)
why are you getting what you’re getting in life brandon what’s going on man
uh not much I had a I have a question for you that always worries me I need to
figure this out I need help Okay What’s going on yeah So if when you’re on a
long flight and you know when you’re on a long flight and you you know you feel
a little bit gassy okay what do you do how do how do you handle that was
that your uh was that your experience yesterday or what well no I mean I might
have been on a flight yesterday but you know like you can’t just let it fly There’s people around you everywhere
Totally inconsiderate Yeah very inconsiderate So what do you like how do you like you can’t really No one no one
wants to actually try to make their way down to the laboratory for that Yeah But at the same time like it can get
extremely uncomfortable That’s what I’d say Lean into the discomfort of it Lean it for for like
you’re on like a four and a half hour flight Hold tight and hold tight
Mindset Matters
On a 4 and 1/2 hour flight you’re leaning into that discomfort You can breathe through it Well and and you’re
not on an aisle row so you can’t get up Yeah Easily like again and again Yeah
You get Hey I think it’s it’s kind of unless it’s like a full-on emergency There’s kind of like a courtesy thing on
a flight that you don’t get up more than once Yeah So well it So would you rather
have the guy next to you just letting it rip i don’t know I’d rather have him get up
I don’t even know how you got on this topic man Okay Well cuz I just sat on a flight next to you for 4 and a half
hours I had I had the aisle seat so you were the one that was penned in I guess So thanks for thanks for only getting up
once I love how uncomfortable you’re getting Thanks for leading into the discomfort I’m not uncomfortable with it I just don’t see any point to this
discussion [Laughter] I want to know I don’t you know I get
put in position I get put in this position You’re just as you’re giving me no good answer do exactly what you did
because I didn’t know you were having those problems You got up one time and you It was uncomfortable It was okay Yeah And you didn’t bother me So do that
again next time That was perfect Okay Thank you Thanks for the advice brother
Yeah Um well hey let’s before we jump into this we did get another review Thank you for the reviews when you send
them you guys Um I’m just going to read this one really quick It just says “Honest authentic and transparent The
Therapy Brothers are experienced and extremely supportive in a variety of conversations with men and women on both
sides of addiction and betrayal I love these guys and appreciate their capacity to address the many stages of change and
controversial issues That’s awesome Thank you to whoever sent that Thank you
Yeah Thank you very much Really appreciate it We love your reviews
Absolutely Um All right Tyler I think uh we’re going to get into something that I think
is really like really really cool um when you understand it Um but it’s one
of those things that once you learn it you can’t unsee it and
um you start to see it everywhere in your life and in the life of others Um
Personal Responsibility
and so I thought I’d start with just like a little bit of a story
Um you know we t we ran we met we just got back from Florida uh late last night
and we met a bunch of really cool people and new people people from different uh
like different places that we we would have never met otherwise Um we had
everything from um you know doctors there to barefoot millennials uh monks
you know um and it was just incredible Anyways um we were talking to someone
yesterday and she was kind of sharing her story a little bit and she was talking about some things going on in
her life and in her relationship and things and it was interesting to listen to her because on one
hand she was aware that some things weren’t working On the other hand she
really had no desire to actually change it Um and she kept going in circles a
little bit right Tyler of with with it of like well yeah like I’m not gonna
actually kind of do what I need to do in order to to change this thing Um and you
look at that and I think a lot of us are in those type of cycles in our life
where we’re getting certain outcomes certain things are happening to us uh we
don’t love the outcomes and yet we keep doing the same thing again and again and
again and we’re getting th the the those same outcomes that we don’t like and so
it begs the question why and then it and then it
begs the the question after that of then how do you change that yeah Um and and I
think with that Brandon what’s interesting about that is as we continue to have the same
outcomes and most of us when we continue to have those same outcomes we would say out loud I don’t want to keep having
this or this or this happen And maybe we at least know that it’s happening but
most of us almost willfully deny We stay in denial of the
Beliefs Shape Reality
fact that we might be contributing to the cycle and the pattern of the outcomes that we don’t want So we we
live in this spot where we’re not even conscious of the fact that hey I have
something I I I am actually the one who can facilitate the most change in this part of my life around like the outcomes
that I want different and yet I’m continually looking outward saying well if this would happen or if this would
happen or if he would do this if she would do that if if this or that if I could win the lottery like whatever else
it’s if when if then then it’s always these outside sources
And yet the outcomes keep continuing and the person that pays the price of the outcomes is us Right Right Yeah Abs
Absolutely The the you ask somebody what they want in life Tyler and what they’ll
tell you is what they don’t have Um and they’ll tell you what they want but then
they’re not really doing much or changing much to to get it So whether it’s a healthy relationship
um make more money be more connected to God I can more self-confidence more
self-confidence you know be healthy in your in your femininity masculinity like what whatever it is Um all really good
things Yay those things are awesome And yet they don’t have it and
they’re not doing the work to actually create it Um and a lot of times Tyler
they say they want these things and they’re completely unconscious of why they don’t have those things in their
life And I loved what I love what you just said They’re actually in a a place
of victim in many ways or blame or hopelessness There’s some type of denial
there that’s keeping them unconscious from actually facing what they need to face and dealing with what they need to
deal with in order to shift and create something new Right you know you heard
sometimes you know we’ve said this quote before on the podcast but sometimes a good scapegoat is more welcome than an
Self-Reflection
answer to the problem you know and and and the thing is is we don’t really realize that we do that to ourselves
you know like if I’m and and we don’t and and I don’t think we know how to
actually kind of work the process of becoming conscious in order to then be able to do something different And
that’s kind of what we’re going to get into today a little bit But that denial is so hardwired into us sometimes that
that we can go for years without even realizing that we’re fueling it with the way we’re seeing ourselves our lives the
the core values and beliefs that we’ve just kind of assumed as we’ve lived our
lives and had our experiences Right Right Question
Tyler Can you create what you want in your life absolutely You believe that i do Or
okay Yeah Um are all your wildest dreams coming true
a lot of them are Yeah Some some of them not yet Yeah I’m I’m so glad you said
that of stopping and taking stock and being like “Holy cow like my life is amazing.” It’s like you absolutely Tyler
um have done a lot of work and done a lot of things to create a lot of beauty
and goodness and just amazing stuff all around you right um and yet there’s
probably still some things that you wish were different Yeah And I think it’s
easy too you get uh and then once you achieve what whatever the mile markers are that you wanted to hit once you
achieve them it’s really easy to just take those for granted because you’re always focused on what you still don’t have Right Right Or what’s still wrong
or what’s still broken or what’s this or what’s the because the negative part of our lives gets all the energy because
that’s like biologically how we survived is we always focus on the negatives But yeah pausing like you said Brandon and
just going you know what my life is if I were to take snapshots of my life 15
years ago to now like my life is awesome You Well you know what I think is
healthy is to just try to be as honest as you can be about what you’re getting
Limiting Beliefs
in your life So you don’t want to you don’t want to you know overflate it a
little bit of like how amazing it is if it’s not that amazing and you also don’t want to be in denial about how horrible
it is right if there are issues right and and so to to try to get just
in this place of honest reflection of the things I’m getting in my life Um be
grateful for the things that you’re creating Have compassion for yourself Have appreciation for yourself and all
the things you’re creating but also look at things and say “Okay
like I’m in a I’m stuck in a pattern here and keep creating this same thing
that I don’t like What needs to shift?” Um Tyler you and I are in a state of of
change right now uh with our with with some of the things we’re
doing in terms of business and things like that Um and it’s interesting because it’s like oh we you know we’re
we’re working this program to start to um do things different a little bit and
what what happens Tyler everything gets uncomfortable
Yeah It’s like all of a sudden this like little business thing we’re doing is hitting on like the deepest parts of our
soul and making us look in the mirror big time right which means this thing is
working if yeah it’s working exactly the way that it’s supposed to right and I think
that’s what we want to do today Brandon and maybe you and I could share some experiences of either our personal experiences or clients as we walk
through this pattern of like maybe a way to to address these things but before we
get into that too much I’d like for our listeners to actually think about something in their own lives okay and me
and Brandon will walk you through it’s it’s actually kind of a version of an exercise that is inside the healing
journey that we have on the platform at reclaimyouheart.org Um but we’ll give do
a smaller version of it here today with our examples But I’d like for everyone just to like visualize for a minute like
if you take a look at your life just pause for a second look across all areas of your life physical emotional
Taking Action
spiritual social sexual any part of your life that you want to look at And if you
were to just sit quietly for just a split second and just let whatever rises to the surface rise to the surface what
is a what is an outcome in your life that you don’t like right now it might
be a repetitive outcome It might be a current single outcome but what is something in your life that you don’t
necessarily like right now it could be the way you’re showing up at work Could be what you’re doing with your kids It
could be a secret you’re keeping It could be feelings of guilt shame disgust
resentment What’s something in your life that you don’t really that that seems to be there but
you don’t really want it there or you want it to change and as as we talk through these
examples try to apply the principles that Brandon and I are going to talk through to your own situation and see
and see if it does anything for you Now I will say this that if you actually follow through on this uh
exercise by the end of this episode around this particular problem you have in your life there will at least be one
fundamental shift that will start to happen that you may not want to have happen You’re going to start to become
more aware of it And when you become more aware of it if you refuse to do something about it you will be signing
yourself up for more discomfort and suffering Yeah So because because then you’re like
it’s ignorance is bliss Yeah You’re kind of you’re you’re like conscious of your
denial You’re going to start to become aware of your denial and then you’re going to have to choose denial instead
of just be in denial It pushes you uh we call it stages of change It pushes you from pre-contemplation which is like I
have no idea that I even have a problem to contemplation which is more
uncomfortable than pre-contemplation cuz it’s like I know cuz you know something needs to shift I know it I know that I
have the power to shift this I just don’t want to Yeah And that that’s
that’s an uncomfortable place So um Right Should we walk them through it
Goal Setting
Tyler yeah let’s walk them through it All right So we we call this our trauma tree Um and we we won’t get in like way
depth here with it Um but we want to give you highlevel understanding of of
this principle And um it’s amazing when you understand it The so the first thing
that we look at is the outcomes of your life We call it the fruits of your tree
um somebody comes into therapy or starts reading self-help or something they’re
like “I I I want to change something.” So we ask “Well what’s going on in your life what are the problems what are the
good things like what are the both the good fruits and the bad fruits in your life in all areas of life what’s working
what’s not working?” Um and sometimes with that you can just yourself like
what Tyler was just saying what bubbles up for you you can do an assessment You can just get really honest with
yourself You can uh go through it You can just take inventory
Um but sometimes and and this is it’s it’s crazy Tyler but sometimes we’re not
even aware of the outcomes that we’re creating in our life And it takes some outside reflection
um or other people in a in a way to reflect back like hey this is what’s
going on this is what I’m seeing right and and a lot of times when
they hit it dead on you you’re like you everyone’s like you know can I give you some feedback
and everyone’s like yeah please give me feedback give me feedback and then when somebody gives you feedback that’s dead on you walk away going like I hate that
person or why do they have to say that yeah it’s like Let’s let’s say I was jumping from job to job to to job and
like you talked to me Tyler and I was like “Hey will you give me some feedback about what I’m creating in my life tell
me about my career.” And you’re like “You’re jumping from job to job to job.” There’s definitely a pattern of not
sticking with something You’re you don’t follow through on things And I And I’m like “F you Tyler F you That’s about you
you jerk Um I don’t want to look at the outcomes of my life Um that’s too
vulnerable It’s too scary It’s too hard.” So the vulnerability starts right here at the at the at the fruit level
Overcoming Obstacles
when you start to take a some of some of the things you’re you’re very aware of and it’s like yeah I know like I I get
it like um and then some of the things it’s you’re aware of but you don’t want
other people to be aware of them and when other people are aware of them it triggers shame That’s right And a lot of
this is going to boil down to shame for most of us eventually but we’ll get there in a second So yeah So Brandon
maybe giving an example of what happened for me this weekend Like we went to a place the conference we went to was for
it was a a specific training for people who are healers in all different facets
of being healers who also want to be able to expand their reach and help help
more people and expand their business So it was like a weird combination of a healing meditative kind of a conference
with business principles mixed in It was awesome It was great Yeah And it was uh it was it was uh it was exactly what
we’re looking for because you and I and this is where I’m going with this is one of the outcomes in my life that I want
is is that I want to take our message to everybody Like I feel like what we have
here is something that can help millions of people Deep inside I feel that But
where the fruits are is is that I’m not very good at helping people who need I’m
not very good at help people who need what we have to offer to pull the trigger on actually joining what we have
to give them Call it sales Right Right I’m a bad salesman I’m I’ve been a I’ve
been a horrible salesman That’s one of the outcomes in my life Tyler I’m looking at your most recent post on
Instagram You have you Hey congrat you have four likes You’re killing it man
That’s That’s probably uh That’s probably my wife who didn’t really look at it but just hit like My daughter who
did the same thing Maybe maybe you and then maybe one other random person who just happened to be like accidentally
hit the like button or something right dang man So so this is the discomfort of it all
right like I’m sitting here in this weekend and and now it’s starting to dawn on me that it doesn’t matter how
Positive Environment
much heart that I have how much goodness I want to give how much I believe in what our product is If I don’t figure
out what is wrong with me in the way that I take that message to the people who need it I’m going to be depriving
the world of something that I really believe and that I believe God has called me to do Yeah Right So that’s an
outcome in my life that I don’t like and that I now have to kind of confront And it’s been so easy for me to rely on old
beliefs that are like well it’s greedy It’s greedy to want to be a good businessman or you know what is the
Christian famous money is the root of all evil or whatever else Don’t be annoying online Don’t be annoying People
don’t really want to be bugged by you So these are all the excuses there There’s something underneath all this These are
all the reasons the excuses why you’re not going to change That’s what I’ve done to produce That’s part of what I’ve
done to continue to produce the outcomes right those that’s kind of the behaviors So so that leads to the second tier
which is the branches of the tree right so the you got the fruits You’re terrible at sales Tyler The branches of
the tree are like I play small I don’t value what I have with other people
because I don’t want to cause tension and conflict So I’m a nice guy I I don’t
I might disagree with people I try to avoid friction with people like you know I try to play the wallflower
mask a little bit um that way right so So then it’s that’s actually helping to
produce the very thing I don’t want to have happen But I but I’m not even seeing it Yeah You’re you’re
automatically falling into those behaviors in order to protect against the the the shame the deepest shame the
exile parts you’re automatically unconsciously falling into those behaviors And this is where it gets
really kind of fun but it also starts to get a bit more uncomfortable where it’s
like uhoh now I’m now I’m outing myself Like all these tactics that I use all
these strategies that I use to uhoh I’m going to go from unconsciousness to
accountability Yep And and do I want to do that like do I actually want to do
The Power of Gratitude
that i I have to confront all of those things that I’m doing and that a part of me actually believes in what I’m doing
even though it’s not serving the outcome that I want to change Right so if you
know for example let’s say and and by the way these branches we call them different things We call them shame
screens We call them protective parts Protective parts masks They’re they’re just those those little roles that you
play or the the tactics that you use in order to avoid vulnerability Um but you know if I’m really really
oftenimes Tyler with these ones we’ll use what is our true self our
like our real good talent and just who we are and we’ll use that as a mask
because we’re good at it We’ll take it and we’ll use it to avoid um your masks
can actually inform some who you actually are Yeah They just get used in the wrong spaces to be effective
sometimes right like if I’m really smart I might use I might intellectualize and
use my brain to get me out of a bunch of things um to avoid vulnerability But
that doesn’t help when you’re trying to have connection with your partner over an argument if I’m really caring about
other people and I actually truly am and then all of a sudden that I’m I’m I
become a doormat because I’m caring about others and I I just my my bleeding
heart cares so much about you that I can never step up and have a boundary
It becomes a problem That’s that’s where it becomes a problem even though it’s a good part of you Right It’s a good part of you that is being used
um to avoid fear and avoid pain Yeah Um and so it’s really cool when you
start to become aware of these parts Um become aware of these masks because now
you you remove it from this automatic thing that’s inside of you and it
becomes this thing that you can look at and understand That’s right Right Yeah So so you have
the fruits that are being upheld by the branches And the branches are the those masks or kind of protective parts that
Real-Life Examples
are showing up but not not showing up in the right spaces sometimes And that’s where you start to
become aware and start to take accountability and say “Oh if I keep playing small if I keep playing just
like okay yeah well I think we’ve got pretty good stuff here but yeah you don’t have to really take a look at it.”
then I’m going to continue to have the outcome of being a terrible person at sales because of what I believe about
sales Right Right And what I what I’m what I’m choosing to follow through on about sales Right Right So moving down
the tree we have what’s called the core beliefs The trunk is what your actual
sort of core beliefs really are So So you have to tease out what’s
underneath the masks that you’re using to avoid to uh kind of protect And you
have to get underneath and say why am I showing up that way what is it that I believe about myself about the world
about other people that is leading me to put on these masks that are producing these
outcomes yeah And this is where this is where like it’s really interesting
because we all have our own paradigm We all have our own perspectives and we all
have our own systems that like Tyler even though we were raised we’re a year apart raised in the same family Um now
some some of the things that we believe and some of the the lenses that we look through are the same because we had so
many similar experiences and yet your experiences were very different than
mine in many ways And so you view the world different than I do right um just
because you’ve had different experiences So you know somebody might say something to you and it means one thing maybe it
maybe you get really upset about it and they say the same thing to me and I laugh and I think it’s funny you know
like like that And and that’s because it filters through these lenses It filters
through these belief systems and then you have a response to that That’s right
and and a lot of us have a hard time finding those core beliefs because the core beliefs a lot of times just
Conclusion
establish themselves as a byproduct of the the things that happen in our lives So we have to pause and actually get
really curious This is where curiosity has to come in and say why what are the beliefs and why am I starting to believe
why did I start to believe these things So you know yeah go ahead Go ahead Sure
I just want to give some examples of beliefs systems and there’s there’s a gazillion of them Um but the things we
deal with a lot are nobody will love me as I am Um like men won’t show up for me
Um I’m going to get rejected I’ll ultimately fail
um a and that the people with these beliefs probably wouldn’t say them out
loud but they’re inside of them feeling It’s more in your body the construct of the world they’re living in Um and so
then if that’s deep inside of them and what’s interesting Tyler we’ve been talking about sales for the last 3 days
And sales pushes you to actually look at what what are these beliefs that I have
that that’s really making it hard for me to be uncomfortable right and it’s interesting
because with something like sales um different beliefs can actually be the
thing that is in the way right you could have a belief about money like well you know trying to make money is greedy
There’s a belief system get in your way You could have a belief about yourself like well if I get if they don’t buy it
I’ll get rejected That means I’m not good enough or I’m a failure I’m not good enough I’m a failure Right So then
yeah So did you have an example no Yeah Just working through just working through the example that I was sharing
from this basically from this weekend is here I am I’m realizing that I’m I’m in the way of actually really fulfilling
what God has called me to do because I I have this lack of skill The lack of skill is actually as a result of me
showing up in certain ways And now the core beliefs around that are if I really start to dig deep and I challenge our
listeners if you’re following along with this with your own thing like you start to look at like what are the things that
feel natural to me but are actually just beliefs that I’m showing up with So one is for me I have I’ve never wanted to be
a burden on anybody I’ve always wanted to be nothing but a giver And you know I remember like in my
practice early days I I I started my own private practice like a long time ago
and like after the third year of being in business my wife came to me at tax
time She was like hey T hey Tyler like uh what’s this number that you have
written down cuz I was like going through and writing down like all of the different numbers of expenses and things like that She like “What’s this number
here that you wrote down?” And I was like “Oh that’s that’s the dollar amount
of all the free sessions that I did this year.” And it was like it was it was
almost as much what I had made You know I was basically doing I was basically doing sessions you know one every other
client was free my wife So it got to the point where my wife started to resent me and she started asking like every day like
“Hey how many sessions did you have today?” And I’m like “I had seven today How many were free?” “Uh uh
three.” Finally she went came to me and she’s like “Tyler you got a problem.” And I’m like “I’m just being generous
I’m just being kind Like I’m just being I just want to give I just want you know which I do because I am that way That’s
the good part of you That’s the good part of you.” And then my wife said “You have to realize Tyler that in all of
your generosity there’s also a wife and four kids here that need to be provided
for.” Ouch I’m like “H oh crap there’s truth
in that too.” Right so so what’s the belief underneath that then
the belief is something like “I don’t really feel like I’m worth what I’m
giving people.” Um it’s a harder one for me to say out loud because that’s the vulnerable piece
That’s the part that’s like uh like people don’t really want what I have to offer Um I don’t want to be greedy I
don’t want to like you know I don’t I want people to be known that I love them as people and not as a number Like that
kind of all of that is the mask All of all of that’s like the justification to
do it But there’s but the belief systems even it’s even underneath it underneath it It’s like I’m I am a burden or I’m a
burden I’m a failure Yeah My wife calls it my poor kid mentality She’s like I have to prove myself in order to be
loved Yeah Exactly Like that That’s the belief system that is driving the
excuses driving the behavior And then you can go to your wife and be like what
like look at how good I am And that’s what you’re going what what’s crazy is it’s a form of gaslighting without even
know that I’m doing it right And we all do it But what’s crazy is is these
beliefs these core beliefs is they are amazing because they
create what you believe They they perpetuate it If I
believe I’m unlovable I’m going to go out and find people who don’t love me Yep You go find proof And and when they
don’t love me it’ll drive home that belief And when that belief gets driven home what what am I going to do again go
find people that don’t love me You’re going to have it reinforced and say “Yep that’s the truth That’s what life is.” You’re not even going to question it
because you’ve lived it so many times You don’t even know you can question it It just is Right And and this is where
it gets unconscious because people look at the outcomes of their life and they’re like “Well I don’t want those
outcomes.” Well are you are you willing are you willing to go into the depths a
little bit here are you willing to actually like it’s interesting as you were talking Tyler because even for
anybody as you’re talking somebody kind of um got down to it with me uh over the
weekend and it’s like and it’s like a as you get down to it it’s like oh shoot
like there’s there’s this feeling of like uhoh like I’m actually hitting on something very tender This is way bigger
than a sales question now Yeah This is like a This is like when the dentist is drilling down and there’s that nerve and
it’s like “Oh you’re getting I I had a root canal and he popped through this part in my tooth and just pain
everywhere Just intense crazy.” It’s like that It’s like “Oh you just hit
it.” Yeah You had that happen this weekend Yeah I had that in like 10 minutes time with the guy asking the
questions Yeah Emotionally this weekend like “Oh he just he just hit that little pain point.” And he hit on a belief of
mine And I can share that belief but the belief is I’m not
important And when he hit on that belief it was like all of this stuff came up
for me Um and all of these all of these experiences all of the beliefs that I
have around that came up for me And it was like “Yeah oh yeah that one.” And and what’s interesting is I was asking
him about like um I was asking him about reaching out to people and you know
creating like cold leads basically So here I am talking about creating cold
leads and he’s drilling down to like my nerve to say like my nerve my my faulty
core belief to say like that’s where that’s coming from That’s where it’s coming from Yeah We’re not we’re not
going to we’re not going to do anything to change your problem with cold leads until we address this thing that thing
this belief here this I’m not and when he says that when he says that thing I’m like I don’t want to address that that’s
the last thing I want to touch I don’t want to get to that that’s too much just give me a tool or a skill on how to be a
better sales guy and then I then I’ll go out and not create any cold leads no I’ll keep producing the same outcomes
right and and by the way Just side note we’re talking about sales and stuff Tyler and I just got back conference
This is everything It’s it’s you know the the intimacy in your relationship
the the abundance that you have or create the the purpose that you feel in
your career the like it can be anything You can look at this and say “Huh I’m
getting this outcome What are my branches what is my
trunk?” Right and we’re not done yet No we’re not done yet So but that’s it So
if you’re following along with your own situation it’s like okay you got this outcome What are the ways that you’re showing up that actually might be
fueling the outcome what are the beliefs underneath it that you carry with you daily and this is probably going to be a
lot of these are going to trickle down into like the shame based beliefs of like what’s wrong with me i’m I’m not
good enough I’m second rate Other people’s feelings are more important than me I’m going to be a failure Like
whatever else If you sit with that feeling that’s going to be like a full that belief is going to come with like a
fullbody like a full body response And if you sit with that full
body response for a minute then you go then you can get really curious and ask the next question which is the roots The
roots are what are the life experiences that actually formed this belief in me
um what what are the key elements that have because the life experiences were things that happened that I interpreted
a certain way and there was a lot of emotion attached to it which then cemented in the belief Yeah And so if I
can go back and say so like in my situation this weekend the one that I was thinking of is like as I was going
deeper with the this thing where it’s like I’m a bad salesman had turned into like hey Tyler you don’t want to be a
burden and you don’t want to get in people’s way and you but you also want to be a giver Um it took me back to a
memory of my very first day at kindergarten Miss Allred Miss Alred was great Yeah
she’s great Miss Alred was great But but what happened is there was a couple things that happened Number one I was
just naturally kind of shy by going So I was really excited to go I was willing to go I wanted to step in I was kind of
anxious and kind of stepping in with courage Miss Allred was great kind teacher but I was shy So being shy I
didn’t really connect instantly with a lot of the other kids And then early on we did an art project and they had like
that pasty glue that the one weird kid would eat you know and Yeah I remember that Yeah With a with a wooden stick
Yeah The wooden stick you know like that And we’re like like cutting stuff out And I I think I was actually born
left-handed but didn’t know it And I was cutting with right-handed scissors with my left hand And it was just like jagged
and ripped and choppy and you know just like and I’m looking around at all the other kids and theirs is all like nicely
cut out And then the teacher came over and got like kind of mad at me and was like you have to put the scissors on
your other hand And I was like I thought I was in trouble even though they were just trying to correct me And so I had
like this like uh like I’m different I’m not as good Like I’m kind of embarrassed
now And something so small No one was mean to me No one was like overly but I
felt it and I could see how different I was And I remember going home and not
ever saying a word about it because I felt so bad about it But every day that’s the reason I’ve hated art my
whole life Wow Is because is because I knew I would never measure up when in reality it was just that I needed a
left-handed pair of scissors We’re going to do a webinar and we’re it’s just going to be your art
your art depicting certain topics and things Um but but the but the core belief that
came and this is just one and then you start stacking on you know five 6 10 20 100 other memories on top of that The
core belief was Tyler you don’t quite measure up You’re you’re a little bit different You know even though I was
willing and ready to step into whatever the new thing was I just I was afraid of I was afraid of failing and being seen
as different Well and Tyler you tell this story and it it’s it’s interesting because it goes both ways in terms of
like like I I watch my kids and I swear some of their belief systems are
contrived And I’m I’m not trying to like say I’m the perfect dad or anything but it’s not your fault Yeah But it’s like
it’s like you know something little like that will happen and it’s like Yeah Well they they start defining themsel Yeah Um
but then there’s so there’s the little things that you start to shape your reality with Um but then there are the
long-term um you know just things that last for a while that can really shape
your reality Um you know like if you’re an abusive situation for a while um
there’s big T trauma there’s little T trauma all of the trauma starts to
create your systems Yeah It starts to build the belief system Yeah And and the
more trauma that you have um that there’s a correlation between
the more trauma that you have naturally the more protection you’re going to have
around you So your ego your protective parts are going to be very activated
You’re going to create all kinds of sophisticated systems to protect yourself And that’s awesome that that’s
actually quite amazing that we do that as human beings The problem is is as
life starts to flush itself out you start to get certain outcomes because you’re in a state of fear and control
You’re in a state of protection and then you end up with talking to a therapist and wanting something different in your
life And the reality is is in order to create something different you’re going
to have to deal with these belief systems right um so
the yeah the the roots are the trauma the the experiences So you can kind of see the full tree now if you know as we
Let’s Let’s walk them through it Tyler outcomes are the fruits The ways that you try to protect
yourself and and show up that are actually contributing to the fruits are the the leaves and branches They’re the
masks the the protective parts of you The core of the tree or the trunk is
your core beliefs that are formed and at the roots are the experiences that help
shape and create the core beliefs Yeah Um so yeah go ahead I was just going to
say I challenge anybody who’s listened to this today to just do a little experiment Um think of a triggering
situation It might be your boss It might be your spouse Um and just get so
curious with yourself Huh what are the outcomes I have with this relationship
how close are we really um what do when I’m triggered how do I
show up and I think of like people I talk to guys talk to and they’re like “G my wife wanted to talk about a hard
topic and I I I was freaking out and I didn’t know what to do and I you know like Okay right right there you’re
starting to see your masks come up Um why are you freaking out when she’s trying to talk about a hard
topic because I have a belief inside of me that I’m a failure that I’m not good enough for her I’m not man enough Um you
know well why why do you believe that well because you know I remember when I
was 10 and dad left us for another woman and hardly ever visited and I just felt
like I wasn’t important or I wasn’t man enough or you know and so then when she
wants to have this hard conversation right now and to today I’m
showing up as that little boy that got abandoned when I was 10 That’s right Right
Um every piece of that matters Brandon because there are things you can do with
each piece So the the first part is the outcomes You’ve got to become conscious And those will either smack you in the
face at some point or you can be curious and find them But consciousness will then lead to a deeper
sense of awareness And that awareness will allow you to take responsibility or
accountability And then that accountability will allow you to go a little bit deeper And when you find the
roots it will lead to the practice of compassion and understanding I think you
skipped a really important one Tyler if you don’t mind me being Go ahead I probably did Well like okay I’m
conscious I’m aware I’m accountable But before we fully get to
compassion between accountable and compassion there’s courage like that that is the way that you undo this You
act opposite to to these beliefs and these fears You have to experience
something different The only way you’re going to actually experience it is by
stepping into is by sitting in the fear and practicing some courage Yeah it’s
beautiful And then the lower part is the compassionate part And you know that’s
something that I experienced this weekend And it was so crazy how it clicked for me that I had this imagery
of this kindergarten kid that I got to spend some time with once I found him
and located him And all he needed was for me to sit with him and go “Hey
you’re all right man This is life It happens sometimes People didn’t understand You didn’t understand It was
a new experience But you were willing You stepped in you have what it takes
It’s okay Like you you actually came through this okay even though you didn’t think you did right and he and I felt
that fif that that you know 5-year-old kindergarten self just kind of like huh like I’ll just I’ll just hang with you
now And it was so weird because now I can actually like look at my situation
right now and what we’re trying to do and and just that little bit of shift is makes it so much easier for me to then
go I I can’t play small with the life that
I’ve lived with the gifts that God has given me with the things that God wants me to do I can’t play small I would be
I’d be doing the world a disservice if I didn’t step in even though it still takes courage and say “You know what
what I’ve gone through and what we have to offer changes people’s lives It it
absolutely changes people’s lives That’s why we’re doing what we do.” No question And there’s and and I can’t play small
anymore because my kindergartener is now understanding that you can’t do that You can’t hide You can’t stay in the shadows
You can’t pretend you don’t like art You got to get you got to get in the game This process is available for for
anybody who who wants something different in their life and and really wants to practice the vulnerability and
courage to do it Um I can’t wait to get the p the picture that you draw or paint
or whatever on the family text thread today I can’t wait And I want you to do it and be like “Dude check this out It’s
pretty good.” It’ll probably be It’ll probably be birds on a tree I don’t want the birds one That That’s what you hid behind That’s your mask
That was that was the math He thought he was good at a like a toucan on a stick It was like a stick figure He’s like “Oh
I figured that out.” I was like “Okay that somebody somebody gave me one compliment one time about that.” So that’s all I ever drew Yeah It can’t be
the toucan Yeah It can be any abstract whatever But I can’t I can’t wait to to
see it on the acting with courage So yeah ma’am
Um so Tyler uh couple of things if you don’t mind me um saying this So
um actually on my therapy code.org website we have the traumatry you go to
programs and you can you can find the traumatry and it explains it Um so
therapy.org you can find it there Also reclaim your heart Um if you want to
start into really diving deep into this um
reclaimyouheart.org You can join our community there and you can start going through the process there This is what
Tyler and I have created Yeah In in much more depth than we gone over today But
uh yeah Well good conversation Brandon I I know I’m coming home a little bit more of a changed man And I feel like after
you got done that one day you got we were in breakouts when yours happened and you got back and you’re like I just had like the best therapy session I’ve
ever had and this wasn’t supposed to be therapy I know It was awesome I loved it It was awesome So yeah it was good Um
anyway we’re we’re glad you’re here with us Hopefully this is helpful Hopefully you can use at least those principles
Walk through become cognizant of your outcomes Get curious with how you’re showing up What are the beliefs that are
driving it and what are the experiences that form the beliefs just expand that awareness And instantly even that
expansion of awareness is already a massive step forward And always remember guys keep on
keeping on

Why are you getting what you are getting in life?

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